Porn Valley- Big Bob over at Dane is telling me this story about how Caren Caan, who’s in the middle of shooting a scene for them, stops to do some mathematical equations – of the A Beautiful Mind variety- on a blackboard.

Big Bob is saying this is no bullshit, that Caan, who’s a member of Mensa, has these incredible gifts. I’m inclined to agree after spending some time with her. Caan, who dives into Physics problems for recreation, might just be the most academically overqualified female in the porn business. When she’s not in front of the camera, Caan handles records documentation as well as sales at Dane and probably plans for a manned spacecraft to Mars somewhere in between.

Big Bob, I believe, discovered Caan on the tampabukkake.com site and Caan flew out to Los Angeles a couple of weeks ago. From what I gather, Caan really doesn’t like talking about the bukkake, so it’s with reluctance that I ask about Uranus, figuring you have to be deft with high I.Q.’s and their anal preferences. Ask away Caan is saying about anal, noting that a nice dinner might get you into her ass as much as anything else. Right off the bat we establish the fact that Caan’s no relation to actor James Caan and got in the business maybe last December.

From the sounds of it, Caan’s also been in more schools than an algebra book.

“I began in independent films and modeling,” she explains. “Then I started doing adult modeling, figuring I’m already used to being in front of a camera and doing adult and posing. Put it together with dialogue and you’ve got adult films.” But Caan also notes the modeling career was never such where she tried going Hollywood or land in a Victoria’s Secret catalogue.

“I was posing for individual photographers,” she explains. “There was some nudity and some ‘implied’ activities.” Caan always wanted to do something like that having looked at her dad’s magazines when she was a kid.

“I was thinking that those women were so glamorous,” she states. “I saw old pictures of Marilyn Monroe, then I eventually watched the Playboy videos of the Seventies and Eighties. I always felt really comfortable with it for some reason.” But don’t get the impression that Caan was raised the same way- open minded. She has a big chuckle over that.

“No not at all,” she said. “My parents were very religious and there was a lot of religions bred off of each other. My mom’s from a fundamentalist Christian background and an Anglican background. My dad’s from a Hindu and Muslim background. I went to so many different types of churches and so many types of ceremonies growing up- everything from sitting on the floor to getting water splashed on you. And everything in between.”

Caan talks about the time her mother tricked her as a teenager into thinking she was going to a barbecue/picnic.

“I go to this house and everybody starts chanting, and stomping and praying,” Caan recalls. “It went on for hours. And this woman walked around just sticking her finger into peoples’ stomachs They were falling down. And she came over to me and did it over and over again. I felt her nails jabbing into me and I didn’t feel anything. I was waiting but nothing happened. Everybody got really upset and my mom got really embarrassed. I felt bad for her because I thought maybe I should have fallen down or something. Then we went out back and finally got to eat. And they invited all these homeless people.

“That’s how my mom got me to do it- it was charity work- they invited all these people from the street and drug addicts and things like that. Then they closed the gates and walked everybody in. And they said now that you’ve had physical food, you’re going to have SPIRITUAL food. And they forced people to walk up to the front and accept Jesus. And there were people falling down on the ground. That was really weird. It lasted all day. It was very tedious.”

Caan was very religious when she was younger and was entertaining thoughts about going to a convent, she says. Eventually she got disenchanted with religion.

“Especially when I learned about other forms of worship, spirituality and different paths of enlightenment,” she says. “Then I just figured I don’t want to believe in all this bullshit just because everybody else does. I’d rather study and learn. The more you learn, the more you likely don’t know, so I’m just in flux. I’m just learning all I can about spirituality.” Caan’s first brush with sexuality came at the age of two when she discovered an orgasm.

“I don’t think I had a full blown one,” she laughs. “But I came kind of close when I was about two years old. I just happened to be riding the [arm of a] sofa. I always wanted a horse when I was a kid. And I got kind of sweaty and started feeling good.”

“At the age of two would you really know?” I ask her.

“I know that I liked the couch,” she laughs. “And I remember having fantasies back then but I really didn’t have one until I was 13. I mean a full blown orgasm. In Health Ed. class we had a very militant teacher; she was a female activist back in the day. I think maybe she was hiding from the law. Anyway, she was very firm about women knowing their body parts and getting a mirror and looking down there and getting to know yourself. We all went home and I did that, and I was the only one who started touching it. After about a week of doing that I could have an orgasm whenever I wanted to.”

But boyfriends were positively forbidden, according to Caan.

“I remember one day- it was a parent-teacher day,” she says. “I was in the hallway- I was a prodigy and I was a class president, things like that. Everybody knew me so this kid said hi to me in the hallway. And when I got home I got hit for that because he was a boy. My mom said I saw that boy come up to you. Then when I started getting older I talked to guys on the side. But I wasn’t allowed to date. It’s not like I could see them after school. So they ended up with other girls. I didn’t have my first official boyfriend until college. I was 18.”

At the time Caan was studying science research and what she studied in addition is enough to make your brain ache.

“I did a lot of internships,” she notes. “Organic Chemistry, Propulsion Research, Neurology- those were my internships. Then when I went to college I choose Chemical Engineering. I moved into some plain Chemistry. Then I wanted to take Physics so I moved into Computer Engineering so I could take advanced Physics courses and advanced math courses. Then I decided I needed some Business classes and some Law classes added to that. I’m currently in International Business.” And Caan is continuing with school.

“I’m going to finish International Business then I’m going to go to Law School,” she adds. “I’ll probably still end up getting my Masters in Physics.” At this rate Caan figures she’ll be in school for the rest of her life.

“If I can get my doctorate I will,” she adds. “And then I’d like to teach a couple of courses on campus now and then. And I’d like to stick to my independent research so eventually I might have my own foundation.” With all those credits and the money needed to pay for them, you’d figure that’s the reason why Caan got into the adult business. But it’s not, she swears.

“Part of me needs an outlet for the creative side of me,” she explains. “I tried doing acting, drawing and writing- that type of thing. But my brain gets starved for science. Then when I start getting too obsessed over Star Trek I realize that I miss school. I have to be both and a lot of people have been real negative about it, like you can’t do both- that you can’t do creative stuff like acting and modeling and be a scientist and do research and do writing. For me I have to or one side or the other will suffer and I get run down by it. I need to have outlets. I need to stay busy.”

Before she got into adult and stripping [yes, that story’s coming], Caan tried working as an extra in short films. Her first porn movie, however, was shot in December, in Florida. It was something titled Round and Brown. Even Caan has to laugh at how ridiculous it sounds.

“That was my first one in Miami- that’s a real subtle title,” she roars. “They thought I’d be nervous because I was real quiet. But I was reading.”

“Round and brown’s a movie about a basketball, right?” I ask her.

“It’s about my butt,” she laughs. “I had to bounce on a trampoline and shake my butt a lot and jiggle it and clap it together. It was one of those things where you have a nerdy guy on the beach who comes up and talks to you, saying hello. You go, hey, look at my ass! It’s very natural.”

“I did a couple of Internet-things and a couple of shoots in New York- that was it,” she continues. “I started talking to some models and agents and asked about people who were good to shoot for. I thought about it for awhile.” Caan explains that she lived in Florida about six years before moving out to California. She’s also quick to mention that she moved fast on this because she didn’t want to remain jobless.

“I’m used to staying busy,” she says. “I’m West Indian- I’m used to having two or three jobs at the same time.”

“Then I came out here last month and did my first real porn shoot here,” she continues. “That was for Alex Devoe; then I did one for Dane and that was Black Candy Asses #5. So I haven’t really shot anything else besides that.” Caan says once she gets her feet settled she’ll be shooting a lot more.

“I haven’t actively thought about an agent per se,” she says. “As I hear about stuff and people that want to work with me, I’ll take it. But for now I’m more worried about getting established and getting an apartment and making sure that school’s okay. School started Monday but I do want to shoot- fairly often.”

“With all the parental sanctions in place, how did you manage to have sex for the first time?” I ask her.

“I was playing chess with my boyfriend,” she says. “We were in ROTC together and it was very competitive. We were always neck and neck.”

Caan’s subtle hints suggest that she’s an overachiever and continues to be so.

“I still am and you can ask anyone here [at Dane] that I’m a pain in the ass,” she laughs. “My stuff’s filed so neatly.”

“So you were playing chess…”

“Yeah we were direct competitors,” Caan answers. “We were neck and neck for every competition- for drill and ceremony- for the officer qualifying exam which I beat him in. I was number one in my whole detachment. So we were playing chess. There was also fierce competition with that and just to break the tension I started making sexual innuendo jokes about the bishop pieces. He made a comment that he wanted to touch my bishop. And if you’ve seen the bishop pieces it’s like a breast with a pointy nipple. One thing led to another and I guess I was hypersensitive because I hadn’t been touched before. So I started sweating and he noticed that. ‘You’re really turned on!’ He leaned over and kissed me. That was my first real French kiss. Except for that foreigner that kissed me when I was 17. But that’s another story. We started making out and it lasted for seven hours. In that time I had a lot of firsts: oral and mutual masturbation and, of course, intercourse. Seven hours.”

“I want to hear about the foreigner now that you brought it up.”

“That was kind of weird,” Caan chuckles.

“I was 17 and he was 27 and he didn’t speak any English,” Caan continues. “I met him at the mall in New York City with a friend of mine. His friend was gorgeous, unfortunately, he was the one that liked me. He was a Merchant Marine in France. He was actually Algerian. We’d hang out together and he was trying to get me to cook for him. And I think he was trying to pressure me for sex but every time I confronted him about it, he’d back off. So we ended up kissing a little bit. But it kind of creeped me out because I never really got a full-on French kiss. He ended up quitting his job and buying a hot dog stand so that he could stay outside and wait for me. It lasted about two weeks. It was the first time I felt an erection, though, because he used to brush up against me all the time.”

Getting back to the chess game and the seven hour marathon, Caan says this all happened in an all-girls dorm.”We had visiting hours but I had to sneak him out because he stayed too long,” she relates. “Some times I would dress him up like a girl; some times I would dress up like a boy…”

“Just like in those goofy teen movies,” I venture to say.

“Except he got caught a couple of times,” says Caan. “His legs were hairy. Most of the time I would dress up like a boy and go to his dorm. I’d get away with that.”

“What would you wear?”

“Baggy clothes- and I usually had suit jackets because I wore leisure suits in high school,” she says. “Then I’d put a baseball cap on and walk really fast past the guard. They’d say, hey. And I’d go wassup and keep going.”

We got around to the subject of doing anal and Caan says she’s all for it if it makes sense. As if that answer makes sense.

“I like stuff that has a plot and a story to it,” she explains. “If it has a purpose to it, a little bit. I know it’s porn, so it’s very tongue in cheek most of the time. But if I get there and it’s, like, let’s do some anal for the hell of it, I’m thinking well you first! It kind of shreds your ass for awhile and takes awhile to heal. It’s not something you want to do every day five days a week. Buy me dinner first! But I’ll do it every once in awhile.”

At least in her experience, Caan says you get some pretty incredible orgasms from doing anal.

“Let’s be realistic, though,” she continues. “If you’re going to get shredded up and can’t work for a week or two, then you can’t fuck yourself up. But if you’re with a guy and you’re together, you have time to work into it and stuff like that. In a scene it’s bam-bam-bam. And your ass opens up like a fault line.”

The first time Caan ever tried anal was with the chess-guy.

“He was a freak,” she says. “We were only going together a couple of years but I missed that. He was very open and I’ve never had a lover like him again. He could do it three or four times a day. He could do quality.”

“So he spoiled you for other men?”

“Oh yeah,” replies Caan. “He’d do anything. We met in ROTC. He had that kind of masculinity that allowed him to be sensitive and allowed him to be vulnerable, too. A lot of guys just can’t balance that. I don’t know if it was his age or what. But it was just as much fun as having a girlfriend to take a bath with.”

“You’ve peeled away the layer of another onion- that sounds like one of your first experiences with a woman.”

“Taking a bath?” Caan asks, knowing full well the question. “I tried that the first time I separated from my husband. It was my birthday and I had just asked for a divorce and I wanted to celebrate.” Caan explains that she went to this island with a group of friends and was the only single person there.

“There was this dance club and there was an amazing girl there,” she recalls. “She had beautiful chocolate brown hair and she was so open. I usually like open people. She taught me how to pee standing up. And she was so refreshing, honest and unpretentious. I loved that. I wanted to squeeze her and ended up doing a lot with her.”

“In this little resume of yours, how did you end up getting married?” Caan’s asked.

“He was a friend of mine and used to come into my strip club,” she answers.

“And you were a stripper?”

“He was one of those guys that all the girls stick with- they let the guy hold their money and hold their drinks and they trust them because they’re there every day. I thought he was kind of psycho at first because when I’d walk back and forth to my martial arts class, he would always honk: Do you need a ride? I figured out that in the south not a lot of people walk so they freak out when you’re walking. They think you broke down or something’s wrong. That’s why people kept honking at me but I thought he was just a pervert. But the girls were, like, he’s really sweet and I started confiding in him about the trouble I had with my boyfriend [the chess-guy]. We’d talk to like four in the morning. We started off as friends at first. He was there for me. he took me in and me, him and his son became a family. Later we were married. We were married for two years and five years later the divorce was final.”

According to Caan, her about to be husband told her about how much money strippers were making and convinced her to become one.

“My parents put me on a $40 every other month allowance- it was ridiculous,” she says. “I was living off pancakes on a hotplate. He said with dancing you can make a $1000 a night. Well that wasn’t true! I was in Alabama at the time and if you notice, I’m dark. I wasn’t making a grand a night. I had customers who were in the Klan along with bikers that had tattoos. Really hardcore guys. They weren’t giving me a grand but they’d buy me a beer and tip me a little bit. They were cool with me.”

“So you got to know these Klan guys.”

“They’d be really friendly,” said Caan. “But they’d tell me- don’t walk into us at night. Go straight home. But as long as we’re here, it’s cool.”