Porn Valley- Roman gladiators at least used to get the benefit of a clean cut to the throat when they failed to perform for the emperor. Not so Rick Shameless who must be asking himself tonight why the hell he picked that for a last name. Shameless was the leadoff scene for Taylor Rain’s Spunk in the Trunk for Defiance/Torrid- an anal cream pie movie. Shameless was working with his new bride Tory Lane. Lane and Shameless, who are working mutually exclusive, want the set cleared which is like Ray Charles asking if you’d mind turning the lights off.

But it wouldn’t have mattered if Lane and Shameless had attempted a private performance in a Motel 6 because Rick, a mainstream photographer by trade, couldn’t snap his shutter. Billy Glide happened to have an extra Viagra on him, and Shameless tried that. And he waited and he waited for the beanstalk to start sprouting. While Rain was working on exit strategy, Shameless and Lane were off in every nook and corner of the Kanan Rd. house attempting most of the morning to relive their honeymoon night. Must have been someone else’s honeymoon, though, because this wasn’t happening.

Although theirs isn’t a honeymoon, Rain was telling me about the week-long cruise she and her boyfriend Anthony Sepian are planning beginning Sunday. Rain and Sepian are going to Puerto Vallarta, Cabo San Lucas and Mazatlan. And Missy Monroe’s going to Catalina for four days because it’s her 21st birthday on Monday. Monroe’s upset, though, because a circular has been put out announcing a porn birthday party. Except it’s got Kurt Lockwood’s picture on it and Monroe’s name isn’t even on it.

“It’s supposed to be MY birthday party,” Missy says, a little irritated. Someone asks Missy if there’s anything she hasn’t done. One offered reply suggests, yeah- get her I.D. and be legal to drink. Missy has done 12 guys at one time in her ass, and Rain proudly calls Missy her on time hooker because Missy showed up early.

“What would people do without hookers?’ Rain asks. “Hookers make the world go ’round.” But Rain, who just celebrated her 24th birthday, is also preparing mentally for when she hits her Forties.

“I know I’m still going to be pretty but shit’s going to be hanging everywhere,” she says with a shrug. I’m going to have tits like flapjacks but I’m going to be way hot.” Rain was saying that her birthday was a dramatic crisis for her. “I was trippin’ but I took Xanax- thank God for Xanax! Right on, I’m 24!”

When opportunity permits, I also have a brief chat with Rain’s boyfriend Anthony Sepian- a very nice man who reminds you of a tormented character in a Dostoevsky novel. Sepian’s a civilian, met Rain at a porno pot party in Calabasas and lost 25 pounds by going on the all-fuck diet. Rain says she would never be with a bad cock, so take the hint about Sepian’s.

Rain, who’s also got a trip planned to Nantucket Island after Labor Day with Scott Fayner and another porn chick whose name I didn’t get, mentions that there’s a book that’s going to be written about her. Asking if anyone wants to smoke a bowl, Rain says it’s going to be by the same ghostwriter who did the Jenna book.

Before I get to talk to Glide about his recent Catalina shoot, and the fact that Shane’s husband shoots for him, Glide and photog Tod Todd are exchanging girlfriend anecdotes. Todd comes out ahead in the exchange. Todd, who’s marrying Defiance contract girl Bobby Blair in Tahiti, is telling Glide that Blair may be the smartest computer person he’s ever met. Forgetting that, Blair, the other day sent Todd off to work with a porn set survival kit- a bag filled with a pipe, weed, Advil and a condom. Todd was very impressed by this gesture.

Glide says his exes are for the most part nightmares. Glide used to date a Ninn Worx contract girl, Anais. Glide, who took time off from porn to romance her, says she was okay, though. Todd looks at Billy Glide’s physique and says Glide’s inspiring him to do pushups in the garage. Glide says he trains on five chili dogs a day. He might be kidding. Glide tells Missy Monroe that it’s a real good idea to have, like, nine chili dogs the night before an anal scene.Glide is working with Keeani Lei, a woman who grew up in Panama. I ask Lei, who’s repped by L.A. Direct Models if she ever fucked along the Canal. Glide and Lei, however, fuck by the pool, and Glide’s cock is the size of a diving board. And it’s noted that Glide is one of the few male performers who enjoys working in the sun.

Lei’s cries are heard yodeling off against the surrounding hills, and Rain has to chase off a bunch of guys who stop to watch.

Rain is relating the story in the makeup room as Shameless is off talking to his dick and Lane, her hair now pinned up, is cuddled into the couch.

“A bunch of Beaners were watching our shoot,” says Rain, amazed. “I chased them off- sorry – I’m like a bitch on the rag.” Barry Wood, who’s shooting camera, says these guys do it all the time, that they’re day laborers.

Rain gives her theory about directing porn: “Give a girl a bowl and wait.”

I ask Todd how Finch, the P.M. made out with Claire Robbins the day before. Last time I checked, Finch and Robbins appeared ready to procreate on the makeup room couch. Todd says this is funny because Robbins was telling Finch that she had done a scene earlier with Brian Pumper and Finch all of a sudden mentally switches to ESPN as soon as he hears this.

Todd tells me that Finch gets his name because he looks like Finch in the American Pie series and that Finch used to be a pizza delivery man. Todd swears this is true, that Finch whose former nickname was “dollar boy” lived in the same building as he did and that when Todd hurt his back, Finch, a guy he didn’t even know, started running errands of mercy for him. This so impressed Todd that he introduced Finch to the JKP people where he got a job as a P.A. Finch is now P.M’ing for like four different companies.

The Shameless-Lane pairing is going into extra innings, and still there’s no score on the board. I’m telling Jason Silver, who’s shooting BTS, that you could send for Saddam Hussein, fly him over here from Iraq in his jockey shorts, go to the local Wal-Mart, outfit him and get him on the porn set in the time Shameless was going to get hard. Todd is thinking that his bet with Keith O’Connor is looking pretty safe. Todd was betting there’d be a wrap by 11 pm. O’Connor was saying nah, 8pm.

If Glide trains on chili digs, then Jason Silver must train on the truck that serves them. He’s a big man. And fuckin’ funny. I hear Silver mention that he’s part Jewish and Filipino, but I tell him his look is totally The Sopranos. Silver says, yeah, now that you mention it, he could do The Sopranos. Silver used to play high school football with Scott Justice and that’s how he got into the porn business. Silver used to work on Michael Raven sets when Raven was still with Sin City.

Missy Monroe asks Silver if he’s available to work the first movie she’s directing which is August 28th and the 29th. Two days later Silver’s going to the Czech Republic to work on a project with Dillion Day. Day’s father is also going to work in the movie.

Silver’s take on Taylor Rain is very simple: “She’s not a dumb whore,” says Silver. “She’s very charismatic. The fact that she can captivate you for hours is saying something.”

The logistics of the shoot are beginning to take on a resemblance to the script from The Big Lebowski. Rain is calling people and their people are calling people. It’s a very complicated situation- a lot of ins, a lots of outs, a lot of what have yous.

For possibly one second, and one second only, Rain drops the charisma and growls about how she sent Anthony Hardwood off to come back later when now the Shameless circumstances look like she could use Hardwood then and there.

But Rain immediately apologizes for losing her composure and being very un-Dude, calling Lane half a hooker.

Lane used to be a great whore, Tod Todd agrees. “But she married a photographer.” Being a photographer, Todd was willing to be the butt of his own observation.

“All girls are hookers,” chimes in Rain. “We know how to make the money. We want power, dawg. Girl power rocks!”In the ever changing cast of characters, Missy Monroe’s now going to work with Hardwood whose abdominals resemble an Hungarian stepladder. Monroe, who just gave herself an enema, is stating, with great etiquette attached to her words, that she doesn’t want water coming out of her ass all over talent.

Julie Night arrives and I mention here’s a woman whose sphincter knows no fear, can absorb a family of midgets and that Julie on KSEX once ass squatted over a wet floor cone and got down to the “or” part. Night says she’s been asked to come on The Lorrainiac show and try it again. Night is saying something about doing anal calisthenics to prep for that but that she’s deathly afraid to be on a cruise ship after Rain tells her about the upcoming vacation.

Jason Silver shoots some BTS footage of Rain explaining the best type of container to store pot in. I’m telling Silver that if nothing else, fans have to buy this movie simply for the screwy BTS. Rain brings up the time that Silver practically backhanded her during an automobile ride.

“He bitch slapped me on the way to a shoot one day!” says Rain, laughing. As she tells the story, Silver was apparently driving a Ford Focus that he rented from Ben English. Silver explains that he got tired of what Rain was talking about and started licking the lower palm of his hand. According to Rain, she told Silver, “Dawg, what are you doing?”

“You need to be put in your place,” Silver replied then gave her the symbolic karate chop. In another story, Rain proves that she’s lethal around a car and a ignition, relating how she smacked her truck up in the Defiance parking lot because she got distracted.

Keith O’Connor arrives on the set and when presented with the full circumstances of the Tory Lane fiasco plus reminded of the fact that he had made the out by 8 comments the day before, O’Connor’s saying win, lose, or draw, the production shuts down at 7:45. O’Connor’s not losing any bets. Suspecting he isn’t, but Rain’s asking him if he’s really serious, offering alternate game plans about moving the shoot to another location, etc., etc.

O’Connor mentions that he got a call from Tory Lane wanting a sit-down and asking O’Connor what he was doing at the moment. O’Connor said he was stopping at a Wal-Mart and asked Lane, sarcastically, if he could get her an application.

“Don’t write that, you motherfucker!” O’Connor laughs as I make like I’m reaching for my pen.