Everything takes longer than you think it will, including cleaning out an office. And sorting through the stuff at home.

Gene Ross said that I would find out who my friends are. He was right. Happily, I have even more friends than I thought.

For all we think that everybody reads the porn gossip sites, they don’t. I still surprise people when they hear I’m at liberty.

People who appear on The Jerry Springer Show are insane. They will screw anybody who will hold still long enough, and if that person is a relative, all the better.

People who sit in the audience at The Jerry Springer Show are also insane. They will interrupt the discussion to flash body parts for beads. Man and women.

People who watch The Jerry Springer Show on TV are, uh… watching to see how crazy the guests and the audience are, yeah, that’s the ticket.

The people who appear on the Maury Povich show are even crazier than the Jerry Springer people. The Maury guests willingly take lie detector tests and DNA paternity tests, and then deny the results if they don’t like them. The Maury staff will send decoys to try and seduce people accused of cheating on their lovers. If the Maury people invite you on their show, hang up the phone.

When Maury Povich was hosting Twenty One a few years ago on NBC, my mother said she could tell the right answer because Maury read it differently from the wrong answers. I thought she was crazy. But now, when he opens an envelope, by the way he says “In the case of two-month-old Snrthmsfh,” I know whether he’s going to say “You are the father” or “You are not the father.”

If you think losing your job is the worst thing that can happen to you, you are wrong.

If you are upset enough, you can use the word “she” eight times in one two-sentence paragraph and never notice until you see it posted on the Internet.

In a note of condolence, the most important thing is the signature. That somebody cared enough to say something, anything, at a time of pain is what counts. Well-chosen words of comfort are optional. From now on, if inspiration abandons me, I’ll just pass along a tried-and-true statement of condolence. And sign it.

A quick sojourn to The Happiest Place On Earth to revive your spirits is counterproductive when the place is festooned with “Happy 75th Birthday Mickey” banners and your mother died at age 75 a few days earlier.

And you got Mickey to send her a birthday card when they both turned 70.

And you remember when they both turned 50 in 1978 and there was free admission to the Class Of 1928 one weekend and the whole family went both days that and late Sunday we all decided they didn’t need that “Born in 1928? Show your ID for free admission” sign any more–so your brother stole it.

I’ve learned that the old movie stars had a sense of style. Sorting through my grandfather’s memorabilia at my mother’s house I found all sorts of gold and silver doodads given to him by movie stars he worked with. Not that they were expensive – what was gold in the ’50s, $35 an ounce? – but tasteful.

A self-portrait etching by Lionel Barrymore.

An autographed picture of John Barrymore.

Nothing from Ethel, though. Too bad. That would complete the set nicely.

And your son’s autographed picture of Drew Barrymore doesn’t quite fill the bill.

Death happens.

Life goes on.

I’m back.

Tod Hunter

Tod Hunter can be reached at [email protected].