Sadie Allison was on the Howard Stern show this morning claiming to be an expert on masturbation. Hey, aren’t we all? Allison said she’s been making a pretty good living telling everyone else how to jerk off. Asked why she would have to teach a woman how to pleasure herself, Allison said she gets many e-mails and calls from people having read her two [best-selling, she claims] books asking for advice. “I’ve been speaking with women for 20 years,” she said. Stern was curious if those women were in mental institutions or retarded.

Not being a woman, Stern said he touches himself in a way that gets himself off, what more does he need to know. Allison, the expert, said that most men know how to jerk off but the same doesn’t apply for women. “There are a huge percentage of women who don’t,” she said. Stern also wanted to make it perfectly clear that Allison wasn’t a porn star. And neither is she a Ph.D., according to her. “I don’t have a formal education on self-pleasuring,” she admits. “But I don’t know there’s a school you can go to.” Allison said she takes her perspective as the girl next door, albeit it a Chinese-Jewish one. “But I’m not a yenta,” she told Stern. Stern asked Allison, 33, what she knows about the subject that he doesn’t. Allison also claims to teach men the how-tos of touching women. “I love turning men into sex gods.” Allison said she’s never been married but has a boyfriend. Stern said Allison looked good in some website pictures but in others had a butter face. Allison claims her 34C breasts are natural. Stern thought they were fake and offered bizarre measurements describing Allison’s status.

Robin made some comment about Ron Jeremy going for something like that and Allison claims Jeremy would not let go of her. As far as touching a woman’s concerned, Stern challenged Allison to tell him something he didn’t know. Both Stern and Allison agreed that going slow was one of the primary requirements in lovemaking. “I tell guys to slow down, relax and be a generous lover,” she added. “Put you ego aside.” Stern suggested that men also pretend that they’re a chick and don’t have a penis. “Pretend you’re a chick with a vagina and you’ll probably do pretty good.” His other suggestion is to care less and leave as soon as you get off. Stern said a lot of men just don’t care any more. “Guys are saying it takes a long time to get her off? Why is that my problem?” Allison suggested with that attitude you’re probably not getting it as often.

According to Allison, the second basic step is talking to a woman. “You want to talk to her about what she likes and how much pressure she likes when you touch her. And where exactly she likes to be touched.” Stern said his girlfriend is too embarrassed to talk about such things. Stern said he’s heard all this before that, in his experience, when you ask a woman what she likes, she pegs you as a total loser. Allison’s opinion is that some women appreciate that. “If you show an interest in her pleasure, that’s really going to turn a girl on, and she’s going to want to give you more in return.”

Stern asked how long he should spend kissing different body parts before he moves on to the Big V. Sadie said you should pretend that she has a chastity belt on for about 20 minutes and make your moves accordingly. Allison asked Stern if he also plays with his girlfriend’s hair. “Which hair?” he wanted to know. Artie said he likes playing with his girl’s back hair.

Sadie told Howard that once the “chastity belt” comes off you have to figure out if you want to use your hand, your mouth or a toy on the woman. Stern said if it’s “some ho” he’s just picked up, no way is he using his mouth and that toys are for losers.

Several callers-in suggested that Stern “get that broad off the air.” Stern was of the opinion that if a woman was really into you, you could do no wrong with her despite advice from so-called experts.