Porn Valley- According to Julius Caesar, Gaul is divided into three parts. According to me, the XRCO Awards Show is divided into two- there’s the sober part when people stroll the red carpet with tight smiles and two by fours up their ass. Then there’s the portion of the program when the alcohol kicks in. Being that this was also the celebration of “420,” there might have been other things, herbal, to take into consideration. Anyway, it gets real colorful as the evening progresses.

In case there’s any fist fights or unauthorized wrestling holds, Tylene Buck, who used to be Major Gunns in the WCW, has put in an appearance. Buck used to wrestle for XPW when Tom Byron was carrying twins under his Hawaiian shirt. Byron’s since lost the load and is back performing again. Mike Barbella’s offering Byron a cigarette, and Byron who’s been off nicotine as well, accepts. Byron looks around at all the new girls and says that’s one of the reasons why he’s back fucking.

“Too much temptation,” he says.

I’m chatting with Jonathan Morgan, and Morgan’s saying within earshot of Lynn Lemay that her boyfriend hit her. The boyfriend as it turns out is Nic Andrews, but Lemay’s saying she won’t make any comments with the tape recorder running. But even with the tape recorder running, Lemay’s making it pretty clear that, yeah, she got popped. Lemay, wearing a red dress, has trimmed considerably and says she was carrying too much feel sorry for yourself baby fat.

Meanwhile, Scott Fayner’s trimmed his booze supply by allegedly tossing a drink on Sierra Sinn earlier in the evening. Sinn apparently mistook him for Luke Ford and Fayner, I’m told, didn’t take too kindly to the mistaken identity. Of course it’s Skeeter Kerkove who’s relaying this story.

“Scott Fayner was so high, he thought my hair was a wig,” Skeeter, who’s been assuming a Keith Richards look, adds with a laugh. “They don’t make wigs this bad.” According to Skeeter, Fayner also offered to buy him a drink if he could yank at Skeeter’s head like in one of those toupee commercials.

Every week’s a new home renewal project for Skeeter. Contractors are currently putting a stone facade up on the front of his Sun Valley home; and Skeeter particularly likes the fact that he’s becoming the Phil Spector of his neighborhood. I remind Skeeter that Spector also has a reputation for being the ultimate partyer where the guests don’t always return home alive.

“His place is totally ostentatious, though,” states Skeeter. Sierra Sinn says she likes the word ostentatious, and used it in some cerebral context earlier in the day. The next home project on Skeeter’s agenda is having a 40 foot pole put in the front lawn where he can fly both the American flag and the Jolly Roger.

I came to the XRCO show with Skeeter in a stretch limo. When he’s not locking Kelly Wells up in a closet at her insistence, Skeeter’s been seeing Sierra, and it was her idea to take a limo ride. Skeeter calls Sierra 89 pounds of anal fury, and she’s pouring a Heineken in a champagne glass.

“I’m glamorous goddamn it!” Sinn exclaims. She says that if I’m writing a story would I include the fact that she’s wearing a toe ring.

Sierra brings along her, roommate Miss Meadow and Georgia South. In a complex explanation of housing arrangements, Sinn’s telling me how she and South are also semi-related by living space. South’s a very attractive brunette who came into the business at the time of the last AIDs scare. Miss Meadow’s also saying that’s about the time she came into the business. South mentions that she’s not repped by an agent and doesn’t plan on it anywhere in the near future which is to say she works when she feels like it.

“How do you pay your bills then?” Skeeter asks her. “Do you have a sugardaddy?”

Although she doesn’t put a response in precise language, South says she likes men and that “porn boys” don’t do it for her. The sugar daddy remark perks Miss Meadow into a comment about how she’s now embracing the commercial entitlements of prostitution. With the Exotica 2000 bust making New York too hot for comfort, Tokyo’s evidently the place where porn chicks are going now to establish international relations. Mia Bang recently went there, and a story’s told about how her mulatto pimp insisted that she fly him out for a three-day stay which cost her $2400 plus hotel fees.

Miss Meadow, however, seems cozily entrenched in the limo at this moment. Miss Meadow looks like a babe in an Antonio Banderas movie- her blond hair’s pinned up and she’s got the legs of a tango dancer, accentuated by a short dress and sexy pumps. On the red carpet, Miss Meadow flashes a great set of dimples for the cameras. In the limo, Miss Meadow wants to celebrate 420 with an extra inhale, but the limo driver isn’t particularly keen with the idea of rancid smoke polluting his ride. Miss Meadow’s politely asked if she could possibly hold out for another 15 minutes before they get to The Century Club.

Georgia South’s also liking Sierra Sinn’s “foo-foo shoes.”

“They’re in the Top 10 of shoes,” South tells her. Sinn remembers how, when she was in high school, she’d be warned by her mother not to wear black eye liner but she would, anyway. Another time she shared a DUI class with an Amish guy who was arrested for drunken buggy driving. Sinn swears this is a true story.

On a totally different issue, Skeeter’s having an anxiety attack. This is his first appearance in porn public since his ex-wife and mother-in-law gave him reason to declare Mother’s Day illegal. Spurious character-destroying legal claims aside, Skeeter’s got other drama to deal with, however. Some broad with big tits has magically swept Sinn’s cellphone and his wallet off the top of the bar into her handbag.

Only Skeeter doesn’t know these details yet, and he’s conducting a crazed search through his various pockets. Alec Knight’s telling me about the time he lost his wallet at another porn party at the Knitting Factory. Knight’s wallet somehow wound up in Orange County where it was mailed to an insurance office.

But security’s all over the broad with the big tits like Kid Rock lawsuits on Redlight District. Skeeter gets his property back and tips an extremely alert bartender one hundred bucks each for the cellphone and wallet. Except now Skeeter’s lost Sinn in the crowd but Sierra is found later passed out in a heap in the parked limo. Skeeter thinks that I air lifted Sierra and put her in there. He thanks me. Except I tell him this is how I found her which begs a lot of questions considering the fact that she’s in a coma. Before Skeeter even discovers the disappearance of his wallet, Sierra’s cellphone and Sierra, Roy Karch joins us at a table.

I ask Karch about the alleged Somalian diet from one of his recent shoots. I alluded to this in a piece I wrote about Skeeter’s Mexican girl movie, having heard the story on the set. Karch’s face gets real serious as though he’s ready to blow a controlled gasket. Karch is saying something about how he was going to respond to that but later decided he wasn’t going to dignify it with comment.

“It’s beneath me to speak about this,” Karch adds, claiming that he’s used primarily the same menu for every shoot. Someone makes a comment about a bag of potato chips and 24 bottles of water being the menu, but Karch’s raised octave suggests that he’s providing infinitely more than that.

“It costs me $375 to feed 22 people,” Karch insists. “Do you think I would run a shoot where no one had anything to eat or drink? Please, I’m Jewish.”

A couple of weeks ago I ran into Michael Raven in front of a Pier One Imports. I didn’t think too much of it at the time, but Raven introduced me to his female companion. And it wasn’t Julia Ann. At XRCO, Raven casually mentions the fact that he now has three divorces on the scoreboard, and, if my math is correct, Julia Ann’s one of them- a fact one can logically assume because Raven still’s squiring the same companion. Raven says they met online and also likes the fact that she’s a civilian.

Not that I was particularly aware of it, but Khan Tusion tells me he’s been gone for awhile but is now back. The way he says “gone for awhile” makes you imagine mystical places where weights are lifted, butt cracks are oiled pre-emptively and tattoos are drilled into the skin.

Michelle Maylene’s date for the evening is Andrew Blake.

“I’m with ANDREW,” she gushes. And the way Michelle says that makes you imagine mystical places where boyfriends fall from old trees. Not exactly the most physically overpowering woman in the world, Brandi May’s wedging herself through the bar crowd to get a drink.

“Who are you?” Tom Zupko asks her. May has to explain that Zupko shot her in a Hustler movie last year. Or tried to since May’s husband couldn’t get it up to fuck her in the ass and the scene was struck.

Gino Greco proudly announces that he’s retired but no one can figure out from what.

“He used to sell insurance,” Dino Bravo acknowledges.

Justice has also prevailed in Hillary Scott’s case. Scott, who’s apparently shared world views on the definition of carnal knowledge with Skeeter as well as half of Sun Valley, has been named XRCO’s best New Starlet. And Scott’s told the recognition is long overdue.

“I’m going to gloat,” she says.

Before the evening wraps, I find it imperative to tell Jeff Mullen that he doesn’t remind me at all of Kato Kaelin although someone in the www.xxxporntalk.com forum is of the sworn opinion that Mullen does. More importantly, Mullen’s dealing with the whole Jessica Sweet- Britney Rears dilemma. Mullen, who orchestrated the P.R. campaign, hinted at it on his KSEX appearance last week, and the cat’s pretty much out of the bag this week that Sweet won’t be back for any more sequels. Mullen explains that Sweet had it put in her head that she should be a millionaire by now and apparently embraced an attitude accordingly. Mullen likens the whole idea of seeking a replacement to the James Bond franchise assuming, one might imagine, that Sweet’s the George Lazenby of Britney Rears’.

“I love her,” says Mullen. “But fuck her.”