Porn Valley- Last week when he was filling in for Steven St. Croix on KSEX, Tony Batman gave the impression that St. Croix was locked up in some third world country prison. Far from the case. St. Croix was in Cannes and Tuesday night on KSEX, St. Croix gave a pretty colorful wrap up of his activities in the play land of the stars.

“The reason why I went- me and a friend put together a short film which was basically a scene from a feature-length script we had written,” said St. Croix.

“We shot it earlier this year in Costa Rica and San Jose and we submitted it and it got accepted in the short film corner at the Cannes festival. We decided to go. It was me, Alex and Tivo, we went. If you’ve never had the opportunity of going to a gala event or something like this- this grandeur and this stature, I highly recommend you go.

“This is a ten-day festival where all the buyers, all the film directors, and the producers and distributors- this is where the entire film community comes together one time a year and do their business,” St. Croix continued. “At the same time you have all the glamour of the celebrities and the movie stars coming in to promote their films.” The big film, of course, was The DaVinci Code but St. Croix said he didn’t attend the premier.

“But I got a chance to see Ron Howard, Tom Hanks and Paul Bettany,” said St. Croix, noting that the area in which they do the press interviews affords a great shot of the marina.

“You see all the yachts out in the water, the beach and the buildings- it’s a beautiful, beautiful shot,” St. Croix added. He didn’t know how he and his buddies got in, but they slipped past security.

“We had badges that allowed us in the international pavilion because we were screening a film there,” he said. “But somehow we got into a secured area where pretty much no press is allowed. We actually got within 30 meters of Tom Hanks and Jean Reno and the cast for The DaVinci Code. I was trying to take pictures with our cameras. And the security guys over there- they look like your classic Russian bad guys in the action movies. Big burly guys with these little things sticking in their ear. They show no emotion. They show no reaction on their faces. They lock eyes with you and you don’t know what they’re going to do. You don’t know that they’re going to run and tackle you, if they’re going to draw a weapon on you.

“I don’t know if these guys were packing heat,” he went on to say. “I’m sure some of them were. Obviously they saw us and we weren’t press. And about 8 guys turned their attention towards us and started walking our way. Of course I’m trying to shoot pictures over the shrubbery that was blocking my view. I got Jean Reno and Tom Hanks comes into view. I snapped pictures and trying to turn the camera off, put it in my pocket and walk away nonchalant. They get to us and say no cameras. You guys can’t be here. They were actually really nice and the guy escorts us. So we were in a glass enclosed area when the actors walked out. I didn’t get the great clear shots that I wanted to get.

“The money that comes into this town is fucking unbelievable,” St. Croix continued. “If you’ve never been around this kind of money, it makes you feel this fucking small. There’s people showing up in 50, 70, 100 million dollar yachts and just parking it.” St. Croix went to the premier of what he considered the best film of the festival although it didn’t win the Palm D’Or.

“It’s called Babel,” said St. Croix. “It’s directed by the guy that directed Amore Peros and 21 Grams- 21 Grams in my opinion is one of the best movies in the last 5 years. Just fucking a great movie.” St. Croix also noted that no one goes to a premier without wearing a tuxedo and black tie.

“You can’t even wear a black skinny tie- you can’t do anything you would normally see in Hollywood,” he said.

“You got to go in a tuxedo and a black tie. They will not let you in. I went out and bought a tux and learned to tie a bowtie which is pretty cool. So we were walking up the red carpet- if you’re not celebrities, if you’re not part of the movie, you get to walk in the entrance alongside the red carpet where all the photographers are lined up. And then there’s a little entrance where they kind of shuffle you in and you go up the red carpeted stairs towards the entrance of the pavilion. Doing that is actually pretty cool because when you turn around and see all these press and see the bulbs going off and see Cate Blanchett and all these people I don’t even know is just phenomenal. You’re definitely in a rarified air and it’s very cool. And at the end of the screening there was a 15 minute standing ovation for the director. This movie was really, really, really good and it’s a shame it didn’t win the Palm D’Or. It’s actually a travesty.”

However the movie that won was an Irish film, The Wind That Shakes the Barley, according to St. Croix who didn’t like it.

“In my opinion and nothing against the Irish, the story itself was really weak; it was a bad movie all around. The cinematography was bad. The acting was bad. It was the most boring 2 1/2 hours that I spent in Cannes. It was a shame that this movie won.”

St. Croix also got to attend the premier of a third movie, an Italian film and got to walk down the red carpet with an Italian journalist.

“She was kind enough to ask me to escort her,” said St. Croix. “You’re thinking that those bulbs go off for everybody. And I’m thinking maybe somebody will recognize me. It’s Steven St. Croix the porn star. They don’t know who the fuck I am. I think I got recognized twice.”

“The money that people have that I don’t have is absolutely gut-wrenching,” St. Croix mused. “On one hand it motivates to get your butt in gear and get yourself in a situation where you’re making real money. It kind of motivates you to get your balls in gear. And I thought I had it going on with my BMW. When these guys are pulling to the docks with their $100 million yachts….” St. Croix went to several parties being held on those yachts.

“I went to the Sony party,” he said. “Let me start off with this one- we weren’t invited. Here’s a theory, if you act like you own the place and you walk in, who’s going to stop you? Applying this theory- we went after premiers so I’m still in my tuxedo- they always say that it’s essential to a man’s wardrobe- if you’re going to wear a bowtie, learn how to tie a real bowtie.” St. Croix talked about how you look suave and old school with a bowtie untied.

“Of course they’ve got security at the entrances of these fucking yachts and they’ve got lists and stuff,” he added. “So we geared it so we would walk in the second hour. Usually the party lasts about three hours then everybody goes to another party. So we’re walking along the dock and pretending we’re having a conversation. You smile that million dollar smile and nobody stops you. So we got on this first boat. It had four floors. You had to take your shoes off and they give you these slippers. They’re teakwood decks, polished. You’re wearing a tuxedo and white fucking slippers. You feel like you’re in a surreal movie. Like a Fellini film. We start networking and actually met this girl from CBS and some other people. We’re drinking champagne- and the servers are all hot, French student chicks. I fell in love at least 25 times a day.”

Tony Batman asked St. Croix if he tried to compromise one of the servers in a porthole

“When you walk in there everybody’s checking everybody out,” St. Croix answered. “They want to see who’s who and stuff. I was being on my best behavior and I wasn’t being there as Steven St. Croix. I was there for other purposes other than adult.”

St. Croix being a billionaire guest as it were, Batman hastened to remind.

“I didn’t want to participate in any behavior that was going to get me beat up, thrown off or drowned,” said St. Croix. “Because they will drown you. These motherfuckers have money. They’ll drown you. Nobody will ever miss you and no questions will be asked. It’s that kind of money. For all I know it’s Saudi money.” St. Croix suspected all they would find left of him is slippers and a hot neoprene cock ring.

While a lot of stars were staying at the Carlton, St. Croix said he partied at the Majestic because it’s a closer walk.

“I’m sitting there smoking my cigarette looking all cool and shit,” he continued. “Harvey Weinstein walks around the table. I look up and he looks at me. I’m like oh shit. He goes to the back table. Next thing I know you see this big fucking guy get up and shake his hand. It’s The Rock. There’s beautiful women.”

St. Croix cautioned his listeners not to believe what they read in the papers or what the neo-right conservative Bush administration is telling you about France being bad.

“France is great,” said St. Croix. “France is where it’s at. These people have their act together but the women are so beautiful and they’re not all trying to look like fucking Paris Hilton or Lindsey Lohan.” It was his observation that all the women are very body conscious. Neither did he see armpit hair.

“Maybe in the mountain region,” he quipped. “They don’t eat fast food. All the food is fresh. It’s grown there and people take the time to sit down two hours for a meal and for dinner. And it shows. These girls have incredible bodies. You just fall in love.”

“No french fries for the French women,” Batman suggested. Asked if he was keeping his fitness regimen over there, St. Croix said he was drinking every night.

“It’s like going to Vegas- the drinks are expensive,” he added. “15 Euros for a Black Label. It takes $1.30 to buy 1 dollar in euros. Do the math. I blew a lot of money in the bars.”

St. Croix and his friends rented an apartment that was a 15 minute walk from the beach- uphill.

“I packed everything for this trip,” he said. “At 4 in the morning when you’re coming home from a bar and you’re staggering home and you’ve been in dress shoes and formal wear for 8 hours and you’re walking up a fucking hill, all you want to do is lay down and sleep. It is a bitch. But I did hydrate. I made sure I drank a lot of water to counteract the alcohol. I didn’t want to be standing out there on the beach in my red fucking speedos looking like sausage man. I had to look a little lean walking around holding my stomach in. But I took it to myself. It was one of those trips where you go fuck it.”

St. Croix said he was being careful on how he partied because he didn’t want to wind up doing a KSEX show from a prison cell in Monaco.

“Cannes was awesome and I highly recommend you kids out there grab yourself a passport,” he said. St. Croix said he and his buddy then planned to go to Morocco.

“It’s cheap, close by, didn’t go,” he said. “We met this hot French dancer-April-and she recommended we go to Tunisia.” St. Croix went and stayed at a 5-star resort that charged $60 a night.

“You can do everything there.” St. Croix came back vowing that he was going to learn French, that if he spoke the language he would have gotten laid.

“Not that I didn’t try- I did try,” he said. “In hindsight it’s good that I didn’t fuck. But my friend fucked three chicks and he’s nowhere near as good-looking as I am.” St. Croix went on to describe how his friend was texting him while he was fucking a Thai chick. St. Croix also mentioned how he ran into Helena Bonham Carter at the Majestic bar.”I’m standing there, looking cool, my cigarette dangling from my lips,” he continues.

“I’m doing my best Dean Martin. I look and I see this black-haired chick who’s leaning up against a window at a table. She’s looking at me. She’s not panning. She’s looking at me. I look behind me and there’s nobody there. I give her a smile and she smiles back. Oh nice. I look over to my guys and say, guys, it’s on! And I look back and all of a sudden I see this tall guy fucking walk in front of her and sit down at the table. It’s Tim Burton. It’s not going to happen. Tim Burton, rich. Me, a porn star. It’s not going to happen.”