New York, NY – Al Goldstein, 71, has announced his candidacy for President of the United States. Goldstein, who three short years ago was homeless, broke and now lives on his social security, chronicled his fall from grace in his recent autobiography, I Goldstein. Goldstein figures that after bedding 7,000 women in his storied career he is something of an expert at screwing the people, and being screwed himself. Ideal experience, he says, for the nation’s top job. Goldstein now writes his popular blog AlGoldstein.com, sponsored by adult search engine Booble.
“I had everything,” Goldstein says on his new web site. “Eleven million dollars, wives, girlfriends, everyone loved me, but I lost it all because of my flaws, which are too many. Until recently, I was homeless. I’m coming to you today, a man full of regrets, and great memories, a humble human being, who is here to tell you that the meaning of life can be found in pot and cunnilingus.”
A Korean War veteran, Goldstein received his degree in English from PACE University, and bounced around as photographer and tabloid journalist until he founded Screw Magazine in the summer of 1968. Within two years, Goldstein had accumulated seventeen arrests for obscenity, establishing his reputation as a champion of the first amendment. In 1976, Goldstein created and launched Midnight Blue, which become the most popular public access cable show in New York by featuring porn stars cavorting with Goldstein and celebrity guests.
Driven to declare his candidacy by his tradition of public service in New York as champion of the first amendment, and with a New Yorker’s rage at Republican anti-sex, pro-war policies, Goldstein hopes his candidacy will to attract sponsors to pay him and groupies to pleasure him. “I think the American people want honesty in a candidate. When I am going to screw you, you’ll know it.”
Bob (Booble Bob) Smart, Goldstein’s campaign manager, and also a New Yorker, says the following: “Al Goldstein is a national treasure. As the world’s dirtiest old man, Al has something to say about the world he helped create, and we Americans have a duty to listen.” Indeed, the candidate shares some of his controversial opinions on his new website.
Iraq: “I am against that war. I am against all wars.”
On Bush: “A liar, a former cocaine user, who has sent thousands of Americans to die for nothing.”
On Gay Marriage: “They should be as miserable as heterosexual people”.
On Obama: “He’s unelectable. No one can pronounce his name.”
On Hillary: “A fireplug with legs, a moralizer, no better than Bush”.
Goldstein is running as a democrat, but Booble boss Smart says he may as well switch to independent. “Without another sponsor, we can’t afford to travel Al to the relevant campaign stops in New Hampshire, Iowa and California, so we may instead wage an independent campaign, focused on the internet, radio, and the big porn shows, where Al’s mostly likely voters will congregate.”
A true romantic, Goldstein has very specific ideas about his running mate and first lady. “I really want to find a girlfriend. I haven’t been laid in over two years. I’d pay for it if I could afford it. Instead, I’m willing to trade sex for the Vice-Presidency.” Goldstein has famously said hookers only throw freebies to people with money.
Goldstein’s candidacy follows a tradition that began in 1968 with the candidacy of black humorist Dick Gregory, and was continued, most recently, by former wrestler and TV announcer Jesse “The Body” Ventura, who served one term as Governor of Minnesota. Pornographer Larry Flynt and porn star Mary Carey, each posted a top twenty finish in California’s 2003 free-for-all of a special Governor’s election. Liberal actor, writer, and talk show host Al Franken is now running for the Minnesota senator’s seat.
Goldstein says his candidacy is not a joke. “I hope to be funny, without being a joke.” says the septuagenarian pornographer; “my whole life has led me to this moment. I only want to make people smile, and maybe think a little bit before they vote.”