Porn Valley- Toni English [pictured] is trying to park in the driveway but can’t find the clicker guy. The clicker guy’s the one to let you in off the street, otherwise you’re storming a pretty tall fence, meant to keep out prying eyes, and generally looking fairly obvious doing it. I get there about the same time as English and we’re both waiting for the clicker guy. But it’s only seconds.

English is an executive producer now with Penthouse which she tells me has been shooting two high-end movies a week for the past seven months. And since Penthouse has recently consummated this deal with Adam & Eve, English acknowledges that cable can be a pretty voracious beast to feed.

Hence, English is working two crews simultaneously to get the latest projects done- they’re both young girl movies. One’s called Frathouse; the other’s called Freshman Year. This is what the cable people want to see, says English. The crew is employing no-nonsense cameras. They’re roughly the size of aircraft carriers.

Whereas porn shoots in general used to have the luxury of cooks and caterers, this shoot’s the exception to the potato chips and Starbucks menu you see more and more of.

English is chatting with makeup girl Flick Shagwell, and you can see English thinking to herself, there’s a lot of bodies in the house, did we hire Flick for this one? Except Flick’s working the Metro shoot going on next door, she explains, and came over to bum a cup of coffee. English also tells Flick feel free to come over and bum some food if the case may be. Then Jade Marcela, who’s doing BTS for the Metro shoot, comes over to chat. She’s presented pretty much the same offer.

Now that she’s an executive producer and hiring other directors, English says she’s hearing the same grousing and complaints she’d have registered when she was in their shoes.

“I have to tell people I bleed for you,” says English. “I understand you’re an artist and have a vision. But, sorry.” English had to tell one very big-name director who shoots “moody” that moody doesn’t cut it with this client. Cash Markman’s also shooting for Penthouse, and English marvels how Cash has the ability to pull the kinds of features he’s been pulling down in two days.

One of the male performers working today is Marcos, and English is talking to his wife, performer Faith Leone who’s a tall, pretty woman with dark brown hair. Leone mentions that she’s just bought a three-story house in Colorado, about 40 minutes from Denver, up in the mountains with an 8,000 foot elevation.

“You couldn’t hit a neighbor with a rock,” says Leone. “There’s lots of privacy.”

Leone thinks she’ll commute for a little while but plans to settle eventually into “a normal job.” Marie Luv, a woman with glistening lips and a highly defined upper body, will be working with Marcos. English tells Luv her body looks great as usual. Brian Surewood’s name is on the call sheet and he was scheduled originally to work with Luv. So English is on the phone getting the lowdown why Surewood wasn’t there.

English lets out an oooooooooooh- the way you’d utter it when the person standing next to you has just fallen through a trap door into a crocodile pit. You figure there’s drama but English’s explanation is that there was some miscommunication, e-mails that went unanswered plus the fact that Surewood wouldn’t have been right for a college movie, anyway. Unless, of course, pirates were scaling the walls of a frat house.

One of the crew guys, who looks like he’s keeping a small octopus under his baseball cap, is telling English about how his girlfriend cut off one of his dreadlocks during an argument. English warns him that by keeping an angry woman that close to scissors, it’s dreadlocks today and John Wayne Bobbitt tomorrow.

English is also trying to get a progress report on Mr. Marcus who’s supposed to work with Emily Evermoore. Evermoore was the reputed lady in red to Mike Ramone’s John Dillinger. But English’s shooting schedule is running tight, and I don’t have the opportunity to ask Evermoore what the story was that led to Ramone’s ouster at AVN. There was something about Ramone leaving sexually implicating voice nails on Evermoore’s answering machine. But English’s attitude is, like, who in the business wouldn’t have.

“I love her look,” English is also saying about Evermoore. “And she’s smart.” English also thinks that Evermoore is “nuttier than a fruit cake.”

“But that could also be an act,” she suspects. Evermoore did a movie for English called Glam Trash.

“It’s about high class girls in low class places,” explains English. “She goes into a pool hall in the ghetto.” According to what English is saying, Evermoore starts addressing three black guys as if she were Don Imus.

“Girl, you have a mouth,” one of them tells her. “Don’t you know this is my neighborhood?”

“I built this neighborhood,” Evermoore tells him defiantly. English makes it sound like this line wasn’t in the script but it was sooo good.

About the fact that Mr. Marcus is running late, English states, “If I was young making that kind of money, I’d be on a set way ahead of time.” English gets word that Marcus is somewhere around Reseda on the 101 but Marcus never shows and Voodoo, who’s shooting BTS, fills in for him. English is curious about the sunglasses Voodoo opts to wear inside the house.

“Did Nicole [Sheridan] punch you in the eye?” she wants to know. Voodoo claims he’s light sensitive and that’s why. Someone asks Voodoo if he ever was in a fraternity.

“No, but I beat up kids who were,” he answers.

Meanwhile, Marcos, upstairs, is about to “tutor” Marie Luv in bedroom mathematics, and another crew guy- Sandor- [the butler in Bela Lugosi movies was always named Sandor]bellows out, “Quiet!!”

“I don’t know how to fuck quietly,” Evermoore, downstairs, whispers to Voodoo.