Marcia, Marcia, Marcia, what could you have possibly been thinking?
The adorable Hillary Scott plays Marcia Brady, but this isn’t that Brady Bunch where Marcia in real life may have done “sister” Jan. No siree. And that point’s made abundantly clear a couple of times in this comedically inspired Will Ryder-penned romp about a middle class family pitching in to save the old man [Mike Horner] from losing his shorts.
They just happen to resemble the TV characters, is all. Especially Lynn LeMay, who, as Alice the house keeper, is about two inches short in the wig department of turning into Marge Simpson. LeMay, though, is the amazing ballast in a household wackier than the straight laced Mike and Carol [Alana Evans] might even imagine.
While this isn’t the first time a Brady parody has made it to the porn screen [I should know since I wrote one years ago], it’s certainly the last statement in the attempt. Because, realistically, it’s not going to get any better than this, future porners should take note. Secure this edgy, sophisticated exhibit under glass in the TV sitcom spoof museum.
As we were saying about Marcia and her attempts to stem a possible mortgage foreclosure, Scott answers an ad in the newspaper. It advertises $1,000 a day modeling jobs. Which as anyone anchored to reality knows translates to sexual compromise, compromise, compromise. So the naive Marcia winds up at this sleazy operation in the Valley known as Chatsworth Models. It’s run by “Uncle Lu”. [Lu Bricate as a porn producer stereotype may be way too on the mark to be considered funny.]
Which is not to say Bricate, ain’t good. He’s just creepy. And creepy sells it in this instance. While there, Marcia takes note that Sam The Butcher [Ron Jeremy] appears to be moonlighting by humping some broad. So Bricate gives it to her straight. Bikini modeling don’t pay squat. But the things he’d like her to do, translate to big pay days.
Besides, Uncle Lu assures Marcia that this is an international business and what she’ll do will only be seen in Guam, Saipan, Tangiers, Siberia and Transylvania.
“Remember, don’t tell anyone- especially your father,” Uncle Lu also warns her.
But the rumor’s also confirmed that Jan’s [Aurora Snow] boyfriend Ramone’s sister Katie is a porn star. [Jasmine Byrne achingly sexy in a multi-positioned hump].
“Marcia, it’s only a blowjob- don’t you like to suck cock?” Katie tells her. So Marcia, keeping Sam’s secret to herself, is convinced this is what she ultimately needs to do.
As Marcia devises the bigger plan, she helps out siblings Snow and Leah Luv with their backyard bikini carwash. And dad is so proud but still concerned over finances while mom Carol will take the edge off him later with her hands and her mouth when the kids are out.
Enter another slimeball, this one played by Kurt Lockwood, and a scene right out of a 2257 manual. Luv, you understand is packing braces, cute pigtails and the ripe smell of jail bait. Lockwood, in a cut off leather vest showing off his arm muscles and tats, picks up on the scent and acts accordingly.
“I really like this little girl vibe you’ve got going on,” he tells Luv. “You are great for guys into that Barely Legal look.”
Shameless commercial plugs aside, Luv’s asked if she wants to make $200 for the next hour. She’s willing because there’s scant money in soaping rear view mirrors.
“Open your mouth and close your eyes,” Lockwood tells her.
Rest assured the script finds some way to allow all the Bradys equal pillow time. While Marcia finally decides to shoot her own porno and sell it to Uncle Lu.
The fact that she does it with her step brother Greg [Benjamin Brat] might ruffle a few feathers and disturb a couple more sensibilities. But Ryder, after this act of bravado, pulls a Wizard of Oz resolve out of his hat at the end to make it all seem plausible and quite charmingly innocent.
And you were there, too, Uncle Lu.