Porn Valley- Was it Kismet or the Kiss of Death? I often thought about that when I first introduced Skeeter Kerkove to The Grand Vizier, wondering if it was a good thing.

Friday afternoon the three of us shared a conference call, and it was the effect of rubbing gasoline cans together. There would be fire.

“No, there will be blood,” corrected The Vizier. “There will be no more secrets.”

The Vizier, who often plays footsie with what he knows about the industry, said he was ready to go full throttle and that this conference was the start.

“So many secrets lie within that mustache,” I comment.

Skeeter, who was in Arizona during the time of this call, just wanted to make sure The Vizier wasn’t mad at him, citing the fondue palace incident recently when The Vizier, preoccupied, barely acknowledged him. The Vizier again apologized saying that his current girlfriend, Desdemona, who’s not entirely crazy about porn, would have truly freaked out if she had an inkling of who Skeeter actually was. The Vizier tells Skeeter the next fondue is on him, not to take offense or slight.

I asked The Vizier what he was up to. He said something about answering spam e-mails offering fake Rolexes. Skeeter laughed saying The Vizier’s probably got enough money to buy the actual company and not waste his time with ripoff merchandise. Skeeter was telling The Vizier about this great all you can eat seafood buffet- except it’s in Arizona.

Getting down to business, the first item on the docket was a rumor concerning Great Western Litho, porn’s number one printing company. I heard rumors they were closing or had closed. I could hear The Vizier falling on the floor with a gasp.

“No way! They’re a fucking monster,” declares The Vizier who began dialing people who knew people. Skeeter was shocked as well but, in minutes, The Vizier had someone on the line who spoke to the owner Mike Warner. Warner apparently told this guy there was no truth to the story, that maybe his competitors wish it were so.

Skeeter next says he still hasn’t received a $900 check Johnny Thrust owes him even though he was told there was one in the mail going out last week, mailed supposedly from Sherman Oaks.

“I had a conversation with him the other night,” Skeeter relates. “He got into it about telling lies on the Internet. I said as wealthy as I am, then you should find an attorney and sue me if it was lies. He goes, ‘it was only a misdemeanor.’ I said that’s because Jim Powers paid for your attorney. You were going to prison.”

Skeeter dangles this morsel as a teaser and said there will be more to follow to explain the significances. I could swear I heard the zipper on The Vizier’s pants come down and asked if he was getting wood.

“I told him [Thrust], bro, I don’t care if you’re guilty or innocent I want my money,” Skeeter adds.

“By now you should have gotten the check?” I ask Skeeter.

“Let me tell you about the other phone call,” Skeeter replies. “It was about an hour ago. I call Jim Powers from a restricted number. Jim won’t answer a restricted number unless he’s waiting to hear from a girl. He answers the phone. I go, Jim, this is Skeeter. Put Johnny on the phone. I didn’t ask is Johnny around. He goes here. I tell Johnny, hey my mom who’s sitting in my commercial property- bought and paid for- has not had from you the check, you, the handsomest man in porn, the most beautiful man in porn, the most endowed in porn.”

“Right away he does the Johnny Thrust-thing. Uh, uh I’m late because we’re just trying to get a location. I said I don’t give a fuck about you and what you’re doing. I want my motherfucking money today and I hung up. That’s all I said.”

Noting that he and Mr. Jibs also have some real issues, Skeeter asks me if I heard from Jibs after posting some items about him not only being a wife beater [there’s a witness, and I’ve seen inklings] but a major conniver when it comes to partnership deals. I tell Skeeter, yeah, that I received a veiled threat phone message with Jibs telling me to “keep it up.”

“And you never mentioned his real name so he was admitting to being Mr. Jibs by responding to the story,” Skeeter says, marveling at the stupidity of some people. According to Skeeter, Jibs has two-strikes and one more he goes up for life.

“I hope you kept that message,” states Skeeter. “Terroristic threats go over big.”

I tell Skeeter Jibs was also dumb enough to send me an e-mail. Talk about leaving finger prints. Skeeter says he’ll have more first-hand stuff to lend to the Jibs story. According to Skeeter, Jibs called him about what has been posted so far.

“I said, hey, motherfucker, you got a problem? Come to my house instead of crying like a baby over the phone. Of course he didn’t show up.” Jibs figured it had to be Skeeter who was the original source.

“Then I warned Jibs. I told him I had a girl there and did he want to continue the conversation in front of a witness? Jibs said he didn’t give a fuck. I said, okay, let’s go at it in front of the girl.”

Then we discuss the story about the porn company owner who apparently went into Sunshine video with a baseball bat. Some female bystander got injured and, supposedly, the issue was settled out of court.

“I heard that was about a year ago,” says Skeeter. “The porn company owner goes in there demanding money. He smashed something and glass went into the secretary’s eyes. When I heard the story I thought this guy’s fucked and is going to jail. But he obviously bought his way out of it.”

The Vizier laughs when he hears this saying people will assume it’s Rob Spallone at the mention of baseball bats, seeing as how Spallone and the late Peter Kinsler shared a similar exchange of warmth one time.

“But it’s not Spallone in this story,” Skeeter notes.