Hollywood, CA- Dreamworks SKG has just completed extensive contract negotiations with Will Ryder to direct a $125 million dollar comedy starring Academy Award™ winning actor Tom Hanks [shown here throwing off an armpit fart] and comedian Tommy Davidson.
The project is scheduled to start shooting in June putting post production plans for Not Bewitched XXX in jeopardy.
Best known for X-Play’s smash hit adult comedy Not the Bradys XXX, Ryder was first approached by Dreamwork’s chief Steven Spielberg after the two met outside a Jewish temple in the Fairfax District of Los Angeles.
“No, but it’s a great place to meet executives in the film industry,” stated Ryder when asked if he was Jewish. “I come here all the time and wear those fun little hats especially when I’m not working on Barely Legal School Girls… the movie that is”.
Spielberg was impressed with Ryder’s natural instinct for forced comedy and his camera angles after watching the Brady Bunch spoof at Billy Crystal’s nephew Ira’s bachelor party remarking, “I’ve never seen any director shoot up like Mr. Ryder. Nobody points the camera in the air here in Hollywood. We just don’t shoot like that.”
“Wow, did Steven really say that?” Ryder said. “You know, I really liked what he did with Schindler’s List and Saving Private Ryan too although it might have been a little less depressing if he would have used some bright colorful throw pillows and blankets in the background.”
The comedy starring Hanks and funny man Davidson will be Ryder’s first production with a budget of more than $14,000 and the affable director seemed a bit nervous about taking on such a huge responsibility. “I suppose this is like a union gig or something and those film cameras gotta be pretty complicated. I have no idea how to run one or how I’m going to hold it.” When told that the Panavision cameras will be mounted on a dolly and shot by a DP, Ryder seemed quite relieved.
Hanks was a bit reserved with his comments when told that Ryder was taking on the project. “I have yet to meet him but I’ve heard he’s a really nice guy, drives a new Mercedes and likes to throw parties.”
“That’s good enough for me,” chimed Spielberg who along with partners Jeffrey Katzenberg and David Geffen argued like yentas at a free buffet about hiring a filthy-dirty porn director for their next big feature. “How the hell do you justify giving a job like this to a relatively unknown director and a porn director at that? I know he’s up for an XRCO award but that ain’t no Oscar™.”
When told that Ryder was a huge fan of Geffen Records, Guns & Roses and the Museum of Contemporary Art, the entertainment mogul smiled and said, “Well, I guess everybody deserves a chance. It can’t be any worse than Ishtar.”
“This all came so fast. I didn’t even have an agent. I tried to reach Derrick at LA Direct but he was at the bank so often, I couldn’t get him on the phone, so I had to hire Harry Weiss and he got so busy playing poker at the Commerce Casino we were barely able to close the deal”.
Ryder is unsure if he’ll leave porn valley next year for good if the movie is a box office success, but for now he’s looking forward to getting back to his summer schedule of X-Play spoofs. “I told them I have to shoot The Partridges XXX and our Beverly Hillbillies XXX movie so make it snappy.”
Hustler founder Larry Flynt seemed a bit surprised when hearing the news of Ryder’s mainstream contract saying, “I’m thinking of offering him use of my private jet and my two bedroom timeshare down in Boca Raton to quit this movie nonsense. The Dreamworks movies aren’t all that good anyway and we really need him working on Barely Legal School Girls and the next Britney Rears adventure.”
April Fool