Porn Valley- With movies called Horrorween and Zombie Strippers [a role Lindsay Lohan reportedly turned down for whatever un-Godly reason], coming out in months ahead, Jenna Jameson celebrates her 34th birthday today.

And it’s true, Jameson did name herself after a whiskey, although Jenna Smirnov would have given her a slightly Euro-edge.

With over 20 prestigious adult film awards to her credit, Jameson has been THE woman to put her face to an industry, heretofore, commonly associated with Goombahs, baseball bats and nine innings played in the trunks of cars.

Born in Las Vegas, Jameson always wanted to be a showgirl like her late mother but grew up to be too short for that. Jameson’s trials and travails are well-documented in a book titled How to Make Love Like a Porn Star which was actually written by Neil Strauss who apparently did a far better job with fancier words, colorful lingo and humorous insights in his own book, The Game. Which is the way it usually is.

The book was subsequently published in Spanish as Como Hacer El Amor Igual Que Una Estrella Del Porno, although many mistook it to be a book about the late singer Perry Como.

Publisher Judith Regan and Jameson wound up suing one another later but not over the Como matter.

In her book, Jameson, who competed in beauty pageants as a child, details how she was beaten with rocks, gang raped and sexually molested by a biker uncle- probably good reasons why she was never invited to White House cocktail parties for social chit-chat among the Republicans. Although Mary Carey, with only the mentally challenged to boast in her family tree, was.

With fake ID’s, Jameson, no stranger to pharmaceuticals and detox programs, went on to work as an underage Vegas stripper calling herself Jennasis. A story goes that Jameson was rejected from the Crazy Horse Too because of the braces on her teeth. Which is kind of ironic in a way since Uncle Sam braced the club because former owner Rick Rizzolo overlooked a small matter of $17M he owed to the government which now owns the business that used to boast $1M a month in revenues.

Jameson also tells the story we find hard to believe about how she posed nude for Suze Randall only to discover that after being paid $300, her photos appeared in several men’s magazines which prompted Jameson to call Randall “a shark” who took advantage of her.

Jameson’s always claimed she got into porn as revenge for a boyfriend who cheated on her. And one of her first hardcore porn projects was an Up and Cummers [volumes 10 and 11] with Randy West which might be taking the concept of revenge to certain extremes. But we’re saying that only because we’ve always liked Randy and his trail boss persona even though wagon trains are now in museums.

Also Jameson, according to what we’ve read, but don’t know for sure, has never done an interracial scene, either. Perhaps a reason why she’s never been invited to the White House to chit chit socially with the Democrats, although Mary Carey, we’d like to remind you again, has.

During the course of her career, implants have been in and out of Jameson’s chest like gang members through a New York City subway turnstyle.

In the middle Nineties, Jenna became a big contract girl with Wicked Pictures, following the immortal footsteps of Chasey Lain, who to this day, holds the porn record for being the subject of the most number of erroneously reported suicides.

Ironically, Jameson shares another detail with Lane in that they’ve both been impaled by the penis of Jay Grdina, a former VCA ranch hand, who used to chew his ponytail on sets.

Although she always espoused her preference for the skirt [witness sapphic stories about mainstream personalities Britney Spears, Jenny McCarthy and Cindy Crawford] plus her relationship with porn chick Nikki Tyler, Jameson eventually wound up marrying Wicked Pictures director Brad Armstrong.

But as a tiger who eventually shows it stripes Jameson pretty much emasculated Armstrong in her book, suggesting that draperies and slipcovers were vital concerns to his lifestyle. Apparently Jenna didn’t appreciate Armstrong’s flair for interior design and they divorced in 2001 after only ten weeks together.

It wasn’t long before Jameson embraced her new Svengali- Grdina- who appeared with her on Howard Stern’s radio show in 2001 and because of the way he talked was castrated by Stern in pretty much the way Jameson disengaged Armstrong from his testes.

But Grdina, who reportedly comes from a family of rich cattle ranchers, had the last laugh. He created ClubJenna and sold it to Playboy, a deal which is now referenced in the Encyclopedia Britannica under the heading, “left holding the bag.”

Not surprisingly, Jameson and Grdina divorced. Grdina, who may or may not have punched out a stripper in a niteclub altercation and made the news because of it, went on to Shanna Moakler while Jameson is currently with UFC fighter Tito Ortiz whose won-loss record got heavier in the loss column once he began seeing Jameson.

In January 2008, Jameson, deflecting story after media story about her puzzling weight losses, announced at the AVN show that she was retiring from porn and would never put her skinny frame on lascivious display again.

Prior to that, Jameson had raised controversy by leaking reports that Scarlett Johansson would be playing her in a biopic. However, inside sources tell us that Johansson with be playing boxer Ingemar Johannson before that ever occurs.