Las Vegas- [Complex.com]- Saturday’s on its way, which can only mean one thing: yes, the annual Adult Video News Awards! Capping the weeklong AVN Expo (it’s the Comic-Con of porn!), the awards bring the entire flesh industry under one enormous surgically enhanced roof to celebrate the very best of anal-themed series, tranny POV, and other things we’re frankly too squeamish to ever want to see.
Seriously, the nominations list is 45 pages long. But one of the most exciting awards is always Best New Starlet, which in the past has been bestowed upon budding superstars like Jenna Jameson, Tera Patrick and Stormy “No, I’m Not a TV Weatherman” Daniels.
We’re not about to predict this year’s winner, mostly because we haven’t heard of most of them, but we’re gonna go ahead and put you on game. This way, come Monday, when all your coworkers are gathered around the water cooler, you can drop a gem like “I gotta say, I thought Jayme Langford was a lock thanks to her scene in Muff Bumpers 5.” And then you’ll probably get fired, but at least everyone in your office will know that YOU REALLY REALLY KNOW PORN.
LEXI BELLE: Best Movie Title Of 2008: Girls With Daddy Issues. Co-starring every single woman in the porn industry!
TORI BLACK: Best Movie Title Of 2008: Full Streams Ahead. This is kind of clever, but mostly gross.
CHAYSE EVANS: Best Movie Title Of 2008: Face Invaders 3 Another example of the retro-video-game naming trend that swept porn, along with Donkey Dong, Bump ‘n’ Jump ‘n’ Humpin’ Stumps and Joust (Me With Your Cock)
JAELYN FOX: Best Movie Title Of 2008: Face Fucking Inc. 4. We temped there once during college. Surprisingly tiring workdays.
JAYDEN JAYMES: Best Movie Title Of 2008: Oil Overload 2 (but only because Holy Fuck It’s Huge 1 came out in 2007)
NIKKI JAYNE: Best Movie Title Of 2008: Defend Our Porn, which is her only movie from 2008. Which raises the question: WTF must have happened in that movie?!
JAYME LANGFORD: Best Movie Title Of 2008: Finger Licking Good 5. Bring your wetnaps.
JANDI LIN: Best Movie Title Of 2008: Diggin’ in the Gapes. Cameo by Lord Finesse?
MEGGAN MALLONE: Best Movie Title Of 2008: Meggan and Hanna Love Manuel. Really? That’s it? Where are the puns? Where are the vaginal euphemisms? WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS?
PRIYA RAI: Best Movie Title Of 2008: Busty Beauties: Breast Meat. Clearly meant as a companion to the Finger Licking Good series.
FAYE REAGAN: Best Movie Title Of 2008: Belladonna’s Cock Pigs. Ms. hailed this as “a huge step forward for women.” Except they didn’t. Nope. Not even close.
RYDER SKYE: Best Movie Title Of 2008: MILF Soup 6. Couldn’t they do better? Like Manastrone or Gettin’ Jambalaid? Hell, MulligaHORNY would be an improvement.
MISSY STONE: Best Movie Title Of 2008: Hookers and Blow. Finally, a movie named after a douchebag ironic catchphrase!
STOYA: Best Movie Title Of 2008: Sex Offenders. We’re not sure, but this just feels a little obvious. Like changing the name of Entourage to Dickheads.
ANGELINA VALENTINE: Best Movie Title Of 2008: Taco Shop 3. Do you think they sell tacos, or just fix them? And isn’t it a funny coincidence that the movie features a taco shop when “taco” is a commonly used slang te—OH, WE SEE WHAT YOU’RE DOING HERE!!!