If Kismet is hell, than Kismet brought Arrow’s Ray Pistol and Vivid’s Steve Hirsch [pictured] for a dance together in the fire.

I say “together” in the sense of a reality show which has been airing on Showtime. The Showtime project was put together by the World of Wonder guys Fenton Bailey and Randy Barbato- the gents who did such an illustrious job with the documentary, Inside Deep Throat. Whereas Bailey and Barbato now do an even better job in bringing the inside, inside drama of the adult business to the screen with Pistol and Hirsch slugging it out over the re-making of Deep Throat, an idea which Pistol has had on the plate for at least the last ten years I’ve been talking to him about it. And Pistol, just as long, has been searching for a new Linda Lovelace.

Prompted much by what apparently happened during the behind the scenes of this Showtime mini-series, Pistol is now suing Hirsch, as we speak, over Hirsch’s creation of Deeper Throat. And to tell you the truth, I’m still vague on some of the issues.

Pistol never struck me as the kind of guy who would just relinquish control to something he holds close to the heart, and why he now does this is never really made clear on screen. Although the behind the scenes agreement that brought this Showtime deal to the table was Pistol’s apparent consent allowing Hirsch to produce a new Deep Throat with Pistol being given the first right of refusal to buy it.

But you never get the sense of that except when Pistol says on screen if Vivid screws it up, then Arrow will take their shot.

To that extent is Pistol’s edict to his employees to come up with their own version and cast for a new Deep Throat within a week. In one sequence Pistol auditions a girl named Ariel Kent, and after a thorough gynecologic examination concludes she has what it takes to be the next Linda Lovelace.

The first episode begins with Hirsch chatting with AVN’s Paul Fishbein at the AEE convention telling Fishbein that he needs an encore to the hits he’s had with the re-makes of Debbie Does Dallas and The Devil in Miss Jones. Ever the showman looking to do a bigger and better show, Hirsch hits upon the idea of re-making the all-time adult classic, Deep Throat and wants to talk to Pistol whose company Arrow owns the rights.

[The Butchie Peraino geneological history of Deep Throat is thus explained by Pistol.]

Hirsch has never met Pistol, and this isn’t surprising. I’ve always said that if the entire industry attended a party, half the room wouldn’t know the other half. But the fact that Pistol and Hirsch have their first conversation inside Arrow’s Deep Throat Corvette [a huge reproduction of the Linda Lovelace deep Throat poster is emblazoned on the hood] on the AEE show floor smacks a little of contrivance.

Needless to say, Pistol, a grizzled gent but always a man of his word, ain’t too keen with the idea Hirsch is pitching. But Hirsch is annoyingly persistent and feels he’s the only one who can bring it off. This idea set in motion, the reality show now plays like the Beverly Hillbillies with its notions of big money and societal opposites, all imagined with the Frank Capra touch.

Pistol is obviously Jed Clampett, and Hirsch is Mr. Drysdale. The Capra touch is Pistol being the aw shucks kind of guy who might be mistaken for the country rube that he really ain’t. And, in Capra fashion, Hirsch is playing it obviously with great relish like the city slicker out to connive him. So sets the mood.

“I’m an old marine and in no mood to be fucked with,” snarls the shotgun-toting Pistol at one point in dressing Hirsch down. In other words, he’s showing who’s boss. The only thing missing is the jug and the banjo music whenever Pistol’s on camera because that’s the impression the storyline lends of the man.

On the other hand, Hirsch must also be given credit for being an astute businessman much like Pistol.

[Pistol’s take of himself is that he’s an unconventional businessman which is putting it rather mildly.]

And while Pistol’s not living in a shack by any stretch, Hirsch dwells in this modern Versailles-like residence where he and his wife are kind of like the Marie Antoinette and King Louis XVI of the porn business. And this is as much a statement of the industry’s hierarchy of the haves [Hirsch’s sister Marci is seen driving a white Rolls Royce], have-nots and almost haves.

In another segment, it’s mentioned that Paul Thomas who’s directed for Hirsch over 20 years [“way too long,” mutters Thomas] has never been to Hirsch’s house, which if you understand the business and its inflated, artificial sense of personal values and distancing, makes a lot of sense.

To put it all in the right perspective, however, these are all merely pornographers, and they hire “models” who suck dick for a living. Though no one ever seems to get that point across in all those glorifying documentaries about porn.

In the early stages, Hirsch berates PT’s efforts in writing a Deep Throat script telling him he’s got a lot of guys waiting in the wings to take his place if Thomas can’t deliver on a good story. The initial script Thomas comes up with stinks in Hirsch’s estimation, although Thomas is blindly enamored with his own efforts at combining Deep Throat with a Cinderella storyline.

[Someone might remind PT he already made a porn version of Cinderella.]

With Hirsch’s merciless hectoring, Thomas goes back to the drawing board and next comes up with a murder mystery with blood being spilled.

“I think Pistol had a comedy in mind,” Hirsch quips with a dead pan expression. [Thomas most of the time comes off like a space cadet who’s still orbiting in space.]

Hirsch is taking a meeting with Pistol in Las Vegas and flies there on a private jet. Hirsch, his wife and sister are met with a stretch limo provided by Pistol and, from the get-go, Hirsch and Robert Interlandi, Arrow’s marketing manager, are locking horns.

When asked for his opinion, Interlandi, who’s take is that Vivid is “The Evil Empire,” tells Hirsch he saw the re-makes of Debbie Does Dallas and Miss Jones. Apparently Interlandi in flippant fashion didn’t think too highly of those projects judging by his quick-kill put downs, and Hirsch reacts in kind with Marty Feldman’s bug eyes.

[Freeze frame moments of an astonished Hirsch abound in this series.]

Hirsch later makes the comment that Interlandi’s “a moron,” and Hirsch’s wife acts like this is all beneath her dignity to begin with.

Hirsch? He’s right along with her especially when one of Pistol’s strippers attempts to give him a lap dance, and Hirsch shoos her away like a pesky house fly.

“I’m trying to do deals here,” Hirsch keeps reminding his wife every time she flashes annoyance that business calls him to the office.

Because Hanna Hilton [a short haired blonde who wears extensions when performing] might be signing as a Vivid girl, Hirsch, quicker than you can say Octomom, is ready to cut his Vegas meetings short and get back to LA.

Adding a bit of irony to this subplot is the fact that Hilton’s boyfriend is Jack Venice who’s now doing life on a rape charge in Washington. During Hilton’s initial meeting with Hirsch, Venice’s opinion is solicited as though it’s valued as highly as a member of the presidential cabinet. We later discover that one of Venice’s earlier paramours, Meggan Malone, is now also a Vivid girl.

You can’t make this shit up on a soap opera.