I realize I’m giving away the secrets to the sawing the lady in half trick, but at no time on camera in the Showtime Deeper Throat reality series does Vivid’s Steve Hirsch actually choke Robert Interlandi, Arrow’s marketing director, www.xxxdeepthroat.com.

But Hirsch comes pretty darn close in Episode 5 as Interlandi continues to be irascible, and Paul Thomas continues to play the martyr as Hirsch stops by the shoot to see what all the hubbub is about. In Episode 4, Interlandi got through toilet papering Thomas car because he didn’t see eye to eye with the way Thomas and Vivid were shunting him in their efforts to remake Deep Throat.

By the time this episode opens up, Thomas is in Day 2 of the remake. Thomas describes his reinvention of the plot as a serious murder mystery about a girl with a deformity in her throat. Sasha Grey is playing the lead.

“The next two days are absolutely critical to the success of the movie,” Thomas is saying, not knowing that Interlandi’s about to wreak a little more havoc on the set.

“The asshole Robert’s got to say away from my set,” Thomas is saying.

His prayers basically go unanswered when Interlandi, who was skateboarding earlier in Venice, shows up with a beer pong table and draws the crew into some friendly competition.

Channeling Rodney Dangerfield, Interlandi’s saying he doesn’t get any of the respect that he deserves.

“I represent Arrow, the original owners of Deep Throat. We’re supposed to be their fucking partner but all I’m getting is the runaround.”

Thomas is perplexed.

“I don’t have the slightest idea why he’s doing all these strange things.”

Thomas also believes in the old Al Pacino adage about keeping your friends close but your enemies closer.

“I’m not going to let him know that he’s affecting me or my show,” continues Thomas revealing his strategy.

“I’m just going to kill him with kindness. Let him play his little ping-bong game. But if I’m going to have to stare at this punk’s face all day I’m going to at least put him to work.”

Which means Thomas wants Interlandi to be an extra. Interlandi tries some lines of dialogue but Thomas feels it’s probably best if Interlandi melts into the background.

“I’m so tired of being disrespected- fuck P.T.,” says Interlandi in frustration.

“Fuck Vivid. Fuck the whole fucking project. They can shove it up their fucking ass.”

For her part, Grey’s back is killing her, she’s on her period and she’s late arriving to the set. Also nervous about her anal scene with Evan Stone, Grey expresses the hope that everyone isn’t high on the set but comments later to her boyfriend that everyone was drunk.

On the other hand, Thomas expresses confidence that Grey can dive into her scene cold. But Grey wants time to warm up and is now the object of more gossip because of that.

“She needs to do what she needs to do and I’ll give her more time,” states Thomas.

Marci Hirsch, Hirsch’s sister is using her son Jordan who’s been hired as a P.A. to be a spy in the set. Jordan, in turn, gives her the skinny on how P.T. kicked one of the female performers, Sarah Vandella, off the set.

Grey has an accident, and P.T. muses that Jordan’s getting a crash course in feminine hygiene. Jordan, later, admits that although his mother works in porn, she’s pretty uptight about it.

It’s also brought to P.T.’s attention that Interlandi gave an interview to one of the porn gossip sites about how he wasn’t getting any input. [The site was Adultfyi, but no mention is made of that.]

After reading the post [Hirsch also has a look at it], Thomas comments that, “all of this shit is so inconsequential- who’s got time for it?”

Hirsch also makes a strange comment.

“I never thought I would have a chance to make a new Deep Throat movie and I hope some day my kids understand- really I do it all for them.”

Mentioning that going to the set is one of his least favorite things to do, Hirsch is now informed that he really needs to get to the set to diffuse the Interlandi situation.

“I’ve got a ton of money riding on this,” he says.

Calling Interlandi “disruptive,” Hirsch wonders how you deal with him.

“What is this guy, 8 years old? He’s a punk.”

“He’s obnoxious and childish,” Marci Hirsch adds.

By Day Three of the shoot, Thomas, in abrupt-mode, notes that cast and crew are tired and everyone’s making mistakes. One dialogue scene in particular is going haywire. Thomas complains that a machine shop next door is intrusive and that two of the extras couldn’t deliver their lines if their lives depended on it. One of them is fired for stepping all over the crime scene.

In Vegas, meanwhile, Pistol is getting reports from Interlandi to suggest that Arrow’s going to need to take the bull by the horns and shoot their own version. Convinced that a girl named Ariel whom he auditioned [in Episode One] may have what it takes, Pistol invites a sex educator named Morgan Ray to give Ariel lessons on deep throating and how to overcome the gag reflex with some mouth exercises and a banana.

Interlandi makes attempts at a peace offering by passing out Deep Throat energy drinks, shirts and DVDs – none of which is appreciated especially when Interlandi hands Grey some swag and chats with her while she’s in the middle of taking some pretty girls.

Interlandi’s idea behind this is to piss Hirsch off, and he succeeds. They take it out to the parking lot.

“She’s trying to work,” Hirsch tells Interlandi. “In the most pivotal scene why is it you need to have a discussion with her?”

“We were team deep Throat,” says Interlandi. “I didn’t get to know who the chick is that you picked. You didn’t do a talent search.”

“Are you nuts!?” Hirsch asks.

“You got the usual suspects,” continues Interlandi who reminds Hirsch again that he’s vice president of Arrow.

“I don’t care what you are,” answers Hirsch. “I give that zero credibility, your track record as a producer and director. It’s time for you to head on out. You’re a punk kid.”

“I’m vice president of a fucking company,” Interlandi keeps reminding him. Hirsch has one last comment to make.

“You haven’t shot a fucking movie- thank you, good bye.”

Interlandi kicks a gate on his way out and gives Hirsch the finger.