If you missed the drama last summer, this is the incident www.adultfyi.com/read.php?ID=39503 Tanner Mayes is referring to in her following piece:

Tanner Mayes writes for www.whackmagazine.com – Some people shit their pants once in a while; others brain-fart. I love my fans and respect my co-workers. For any records being kept, I would never put them down to bring me “up.” Hell, no.

Just listening to them or reading what they say makes me laugh, sometimes hard enough to cry. I’m always catching times I want to kick myself after saying something off-the-wall, but I find it’s priceless when you want to kick the other person, instead. I chuckled at these; you may not, in fact, you may find some of your own works-of-art right here. Straight outta my GMAIL, IM’s, Myspace comments, msgs, add requests, phone log, or pure memory. Though tempted to leave a sarcastic or smart-ass comment following each one, I didn’t. I want the reader to draw his own conclusion.

Myspace Msg (male): “… [don’t] say the nasty word ‘condom’ as i hate them. i am very healthy”

Myspace Msg (male): “i am liking you even more now – i want you to suck on my love bug”

Myspace status comment (male), when I posted about a possible 12-person orgy: “Who DOESN’T like surprise butt-sex?”

Co-worker (male), after I commented on the female talent enjoying a good “cock-smack” – his response: “Who doesn’t!?”

Female talent (somewhat self-conscious? with herpes on her lip): “What’s wrong? You don’t want to work with me?” It was all I could do not to laugh. I hadn’t noticed the “herp-action,” haha, in fact I’m still laughing. I remember chaffing last summer, was no sight for sore eyes. I was self-conscious, too. I guess there are some days you just shouldn’t show up to work. LOL

TEXT MSG fom Massachusetts: “i have no power for last 2 days. bad storm. life sux”

TEXT MSG from New York: “I wish I could play softball with you” (Four minutes later) “Why aren’t you talking?”

DM on Twitter: “Tanner when are you going to let me stick my fat dick inside your tight pussy” (so NOT original, that’s the only problem)

On the phone with a guy in Phoenix, he’s got a friend in the adult industry, so he’s uhh – giving me advice?: “If he tries to mess around with you, just fuck him. He’s a powerful guy. If he likes you, you’ll go far.”

But here’s the real deal. You may need to sit down for this one…

A director on set last week? “Tanner’s responsible now.”

That’s the icing on the cake. I actually had to use this as a lead up to my main column: Tanner’s aDICKtion Issues: Cumming Clean.

I was in the same SHIP as hundreds of thousands of other people if I say that I was only so lucky as to see the Lesbian Bukkake “meltdown” clip, instead of watching the entire video. If you haven’t seen it, I’m warning you now, it is not pretty.

I know that I’ve been begging everyone to drop it, and I still ask for that, but let me be the first one to come forth with a public apology, because right now, I feel like there’s a lot I should clear up. Let me explain:

On Twitter I was confronted by a loyal fan, informing me that another clip of my “meltdown video” had been released on Dan Leal’s www.straightdownthetubes.com.

Fair ‘nuff. I decided to give it a whirl. I played the clip. The thing I noticed immediately was that I was slurring my words, barely finishing sentences, and only making sense half of the time, and even then, I was lucky to finish an entire sentence. This is the result of alcohol and Xanax. I was clearly impaired and intoxicated. I had no business even being on set that day, especially if was supposedly 4 hours late because I was wreckless the night before, which I honestly don’t doubt.

Let me turn back time, now. That entire summer I had a stash (about 500) of Xanax bars, which I’d gotten from a friend in Florida.

A lot of people in the industry use them, and I was hooking people up with them while at the same time, not using, but abusing them, myself. Completely oblivious to the fact that one Xanax bar was the equivalent to four regular Xanax, it was not unusual for me to be taking two whole bars at a time, twice a day, as if they were Tylenol. That’s actually sixteen Xanax at a time. SIXTEEN! I’m not sure but I think if you were caught swallowing sixteen of ANY pill, it would probably be considered a “suicide attempt.” And there I was, thinking, actually believing that I was functioning, when in reality I was walking around like a sloppy, brain-dead, statistical useless porn-whore. That’s how I look in the Meltdown video. Like a lunatic. I even sound like one.

I’m not just minimizing the Meltdown to JUST the Meltdown. Since I was actually on these pills for a few months, I’m accepting responsibility for any and all shoots (and companies… Companies that automatically come to mind are Bangbros, Wicked, New Sensations, and JM Productions) that I sabotaged for being selfish in the sense that as long as I didn’t feel anything during the shoot, I thought it was a good scene. How childish to think that nobody would know I was on drugs. Doing drugs on a porn set is like smoking cigarettes inside Grandma’s house. You can’t hide it! May I please add that I was not on drugs for every scene? Just a good part of them if they took place last summer.

There were a few things I noticed while watching the 2nd clip… One was me saying “I don’t care what company it is… Whether it’s New Sensations, Wicked, or JM, if my time’s being wasted, then what’s the point?” KICK ME NOW!!! What I meant to say, is I don’t care if it’s Santa Claus video taping me, just as I’m sure the Production Companies don’t care if you’re Mrs. Claus coming to shoot—if you’ve got a bad attitude, they don’t want anything to do with you. Well from a talent’s side, I prefer not to work with people who don’t have respect for the female talent. I didn’t mean anything directly towards Wicked. The New Sensations shoot was a dud, no doubt on account of ME. I was just using them for examples because I had left their shoot the day before. Even that day, I’m sure I had Xanax bars, which meant my head wasn’t on right then, either.

I’m sorry for bashing the people at New Sensations. You are a huge company, I looked like such a jerk saying that, and everyone knowsit. I apologize to anyone over at Wicked, you shouldn’t have been brought up at all. I wasn’t thinking of the effects my words would have, and just who all is actually WITH Wicked. . I meant nothing personal. I brought the company up with no logical reason only to prove a poor fact; that I was tired of being taken advantage of. I see the hurt in my face as I say that, because I know that I actually felt that way. The Xanax (anti-anxiety medication) made me numb to everything. I don’t even feel guilty saying it made me blind to a lot of things.

Then, as if my words and actions didn’t have you thinking I was completely out of my element yet, wait until you see me walking off of the set with a beer in my hand, like, “Yeah I’ll just take this one for the road…” Seriously? It gets worse. I’m making racist comments about the taxi driver because he couldn’t understand the directions I gave him. (Think it was me slurring?)

The Bukkake was more or less the straw that broke the camel-toe, if you will. Not only did I have enough toxins in my brain to give me the courage to attempt to speak my slosh-mind, I had enough toxins in my brain to make everything I said confusing as shit. I mean even my response to that just came out so fast, THAT didn’t even make sense. The guns I’m sticking to, are that I went above and beyond anything JM or Immoral Productions ever asked from me.

In the clip, they show about one second of me talking about “How many times do you want her to douche in my mouth?”… and “I’m not a Bukkake girl.” I pleased nearly every person in that building except Reverend Sandy, the BTS Cameraman, with no expectations, just for fun. Whenever they asked. Whenever they wanted it. Whenever I had to go pick up a paycheck. I believed we were friends. I thought we were just having fun. I didn’t mind letting them have their way with me, until they released that footage.

Hindsight, marketing is business. This is just a business. If someone can make a dime off of you or your name, they will. I’m not holding grudges against Porno Dan or Jim Lane, don’t get me wrong. I see people using my name to make extra money all the time. We’re all in agreement to just disagree. I’m not working for them, and they know not to ask. It’s a mutual agreement. I did damage to myself, and the Meltdown video was a wake-up call. But once bitten, twice shy. That goes for everything; people, places, and things.

If you bite me, if this thing bites me, if these drugs bite me, the next time they’re around, I’m reluctant to jump at them. For instance, the best analogy is if I were famous, and a lower-class friend of mine came over and jacked a bunch of my shit, there’s no way in hell I’m going to let that person over to my house again. I might say hi to them and talk to them over the phone, like a mature adult… But take the chance of getting screwed again? No way.

Not only has this had a major impact on my career, but it’s warping the way I wish to see myself. When I picture Tanner Mayes, I see this sweet, generous, humble, down-to-earth girl. That video would not confirm any of this. I can’t be known as a dumb porn girl, or a drug addict, or alcoholic.. That’s not me or Tanner. I don’t want drugs to make me look old when I’m 25. That’s gross. Search Youtube for the effects of prolonged drug and alcohol use. Disgusting.

I want to have a prosperous career, and look young forever. I can live without friends, but I cannot live with enemies. I guess because I see no reason to dislike me, except uhh, after Clip #2. I’ve been grateful enough to have a second chance, which quite frankly, I’m not even sure after watching that vid that I’d even give MYSELF another chance, had it been upto me. I mean this. I feel like such a jack-ass after that. I honestly think it was a “Meltdown”. Shit. I’m not sure how anyone is taking me seriously anymore… Wait, yes I do.

I’ve recently switched modeling agencies from Adult Talent Management to L.A. Direct Models. I’ve even gotten a comment from my roommate, “It seems like things are running a lot smoother now that Derek’s your agent.” I agreed faster than my mind could process his words. Perhaps it’s because I trust him. Things ARE, in fact, running much smoother with Direct in control of my schedule. I always have all of my information in advance, and my rate is consistent. I’m not getting x here, and y there for the same job. Above all, I feel that he’s respected among the companies. Signing with him is probably the best thing I could have done. And thanks to Adult Talent Management for letting it happen.

Someone recently asked me “adid you end up with Derek from L.A. Direct Models?” My reply?

“After all that standing still—rising, then doing everything on my own, making mistakes, slipping, falling, rising, falling, I feel like I finally landed where I belong. I just wanted a solid “foundation”. I’m focused now, I understand more. I’ve been through alot in six months, including going to work with the crew already assuming I’m crazy. I’m not. I was using xanax. The video caught me drunk, angry, hurt, and intoxicated while somehow trying to emit those emotions.

I know that nobody at L.A. Direct can tell everyone how shit. I’m not even positive of whom I owe an apology to because I’ve yet to watch the entire video, and frankly, I’m not sure it’s even on my To-Do list. I saw enough, though. I know I was just as wrong as I’d been accusing Jim, Dan, and Johnny of being. I am not sure who all I was bashing, but these, I believe are way overdue: Renee from New Sensations, BangBros Cali Crew, the girls on set for Lesbian Bukkake #15, and of course, Wicked staff, or owner, or sir-in-charge.

Making matters worse, I once referred to myself as “Zanner”(sic) ( Xanner). Xanax + Tanner. Very clever, right? It ended up sticking faster than “Tannah Montannah”. Fortunately, that’s not my game, anymore. And it certainly isn’t my name. I didn’t even care that they teased me with that name, because I was so “relaxed” from Xanax. What a joke. My head was in the clouds. I can’t apologize to you, or kick myself enough. Except, like I said, it’s over. I just wanted to throw in my two-cents about the second segment I’d seen, and come clean: I was out of control. I can’t handle my liquor, and the Xanax were getting out of hand, as well. First impressions are important. I may have left a negative one on the name “Tanner”, especially if you saw me for the first time on that video (Porn’s Most Outrageous Outtakes).

Can we try again? I’m Tanner Mayes. Young, articulate, generous, intelligent, sweet, funny (maybe retarded at times), laid-back, natural, and cute ex-college student, ex-Legal Assistant, notary public, and a full-time Adult film star. I have a big heart, and the only person I would ever let break it is myself. It nearly broke when I watched how uncontrollable the drugs were making me. I have too much pride to let thousands of fans think or believe I’m incoherent. I will not live that way. In my Hustler interview over a year ago, I said “I don’t want to be known as just a pretty face, I want my knowledge to be useful as well”. I’ve worked as a makeup artist, personal assistant, model, and performer. I’m always seeking new opportunities.

At least, I am now that I can actually think.