(TAMPA BAY, FL) — Regardless of how many times I say I don’t like ’em, no matter how often I tell my friends not to buy them for me, somehow I still end up getting lap dances when I visit strip clubs.

Pre-KSEX, I was never a big fan of adult cabarets. I always thought, and still think, it’s a vicious tease, getting men all worked up and then not letting them back it up. I would love to see dancers swallowin’ some cob as a legal practice, I for sure would be visiting those establishments more often. I’m sure that with my job at KSEX, having naked porn stars on my lap nightly, the strip club urge is even farther from an interesting choice of entertainment for me, but again it kind of never was a top 3 choice for places I’d like to visit when partying with friends.

Saturday night, during ‘Tampa Show’ weekend, I made a stop with the caravan of stars at Deja Vu, a well set up club, good size, hot babes and a great sound system. Some friends of mine came out to the limo where I was downing a Kettle One with Coke [the drink] and said, “Wankus, you’re up, lets go!” I thought to myself, “I’m up? I just made stage announcements, why would they want me back so soon?” Then it hit me…’dem sons-a-bitches got me a lap dance.

One hundred dollars was paid to a decent lookin’ girl who was to bring me into some back semi-private room and rock my world for four songs. Of course it usually works out to about three songs because many of these bitches chat nonsense a lot and by the time it’s time to get down to business, you’re almost done with the first song.

After some insincere small talk, I decided to try an relax and enjoy the moment.

I couldn’t.

Two songs in, probably after seeing the bored-as-fuck look on my face, she asked me, “aren’t you enjoying yourself?” I replied, “Honestly? Not really. You’re very pretty and very nice, but this dry hump tease does nothing for me.”

Shocked by my honestly she said, “Well you can touch me, just not in-between my legs.” Concurring with my attitude towards these type of events, I told her, “Me touching and feeling something I can’t have is even a bigger tease.”

And a big tease it is. Not only are you showing these men what they can’t have, but you’re letting them reach into the cookie jar, but not letting them have a cookie.

By the fourth and final song I was exhausted. She did all the dance work, but I was drained from trying to put on a continual fake smile and make complimentary comments I didn’t mean, just so she could feel better about the experience [not that she gave a shit anyway].

At the end of the dance, even when paid for, you are still expected to tip the girl. I’m a tipping kind of guy, that doesn’t bother me, so I slipped her another twenty bucks.

Think about that. This girl spent fifteen minutes with me at the most, didn’t have to fuck or suck me and walked away with $120.00. The club gets some of that, but chances are she still made between $70 and $80. In other clubs, that’s nuttin’. Foreplay in Los Angeles, a girl can make about $500 an hour in the V-I-P room, performing the same bullshit, tease behavior.

Uptight Housewives

I always find it somewhat amusing when girlfriends and wives get mad at their men for going to strip clubs. While there are some clubs that don’t obey the laws and for a few extra bucks the girls will suck or jack off the patrons, most of the companies DO adhere to it, in some cases, very strictly. Spouses who don’t allow their men to attend these places are only building up a resentment from the guy, who in turn will eventually cheat on them, if he hasn’t already. Chances are with all the teasing going on, the spouse is going to get one hell of a good fuck when he comes home frustrated. Let him go have his time and reap the rewards later.

I think if you’re going with a bunch of buddies, just to have some laughs, drink a few beers and see some hot babes…all is well. A guys night out, innocent and cool. If you are going, like many, to meet the girl of your dreams, fulfill sexual fantasies or get some pussy, not only are you a moron, but chances are you need some therapy.

But it’s not always your fault. These girls tease you. By teasing you into thinking you have a shot, they get more money out of you. By lying and telling you you’re cute, or you’re so sweet, they fill a void you didn’t have growing up the High School loser. They talk to you the way you wished the captain of the cheerleading squad did. They have bodies seven times better then anyone you’re currently banging and they act like they’re going to give it all up to you–when in fact they won’t.

Not only will most of these girls not service you, but they will mock you in the dressing room. Comments like, “Oh my god, I just had this guy who told me he loved me, what a fucking dork!”

In some cases, you can push it and look for action of a higher dollar amount and you may get lucky. Some chick may take you up on sumpin’ sumpin’ outside the club on a break, after work, in the private area, etc. Most of the girls won’t. And even the ones that do, it wasn’t because they liked you…it was because you had the cash.

Again, so it’s clear, in the USA, it’s gonna be damn hard to find any stripper who will get you off, intentionally.

The point? Friends of mine leave strip clubs at times spending three to four hundred dollars each. What do they have to show for it?

Blue Balls!

They didn’t get laid, they got all sexually worked up, they could only afford two sodas because they were $14 each and now they still have an unfilled need to get their rocks off.

There’s also a good chance, one of these guys may have a few too much to drink and take it out at the next girl they see after leaving the club.

So what’s the solution, shut down strip clubs?

No. The answer is [using Asian voice] how you say, “Happy Ending!”

Sure it’s not realistic and probably won’t happen in our life time but why the hell not? If you give me the same girl I met Saturday night, have her tease the hell out of me for two songs, grind up and down on me, kiss my neck and get me all worked up, knowing she’s going to finish me off with some good ole’ spit and Mrs. Palmer, I’ll spend that $120 proudly.

She doesn’t have to put my dick in her mouth, she doesn’t have to fuck me…just close your eyes and jerk that thing bitch. I’m fine with that. How many times do us guys sit home jackin’ off picturing one of these hotties while we pull it ourselves? Quite often. So, imagine if she was there with ya, helping you through it? It would be fantastic.

Don’t make it a requirement. I don’t want to scare some good dancers away who are workin’ to get through school or put food on the table and would rather not partake in that kind of activity. Just make it an option when you hire them. Are you willing to give handjobs? If she says she won’t, then who gives a shit? Not every guys gonna want one…but it’s nice to know the choice is there, isn’t it?

When girls solicit for table dances, they can say “3 play for $60, handjob included” or something like that. And…when the songs end, you either pay for more or get out–whether you got off or not.

Not only would I pay for this kind of fun more often, but I’d tip better too. A girl that makes me feel like shit by teasing me, not getting me off and letting me leave the club frustrated, does not inspire me to tip her very well. But a girl who just helped me blow a load all over the place, she’s going to get a lot of love and I’ll bet money the club will always be packed.

Oh, and ugh, one more thing. We’re going to need some easy wipe chairs in the private areas now. And you thought your grandmother had seat covers because it was in style…hah!