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from www.miaminewtimes.com – We are thankful that pornography has reached a certain degree of mainstream acceptance. When we circulate links to our favorite scenes to our friends we are met with appreciation as opposed to derision. Starring in a porn video can be someone’s first step into celebrity, or at least fast track them into becoming an athlete’s third wife.

Unfortunately, though, while porn is becoming acceptable to discuss, it has not reached the level of acceptance of other art forms, and thus there is a serious lack of porn criticism. As a result, some awful trends in porn go unchecked. We narrowed down the worst offenses in the hope that we can improve a nascent art form.

Chatty Cameramen:

At some point in pornography’s transition from theaters and home video to the Internet, producers began to move from making films with one cohesive narrative (sexy cheerleaders will go to whatever lengths necessary to get to Nationals) to individual scenes with vague thematic relation to each other (Haunted Assholes). As a result, the fourth wall is constantly broken in film.

The trend could be overlooked if not due to the growth of talkative cameramen. They usually all uniformly have a nasally voice and seem like the worse people on Earth. And like a Monday Night Football announcer, they can’t help but give play by play, particularly annoying if you are trying to get into a ‘girl-girl’ scene and the cameraman keeps talking about how hard he is.

Awful Soundtracks:

OK, we all know that porn has terrible soundtracks. However, at some point people just learned to accept house music that sounds like it was made from a 19 year old in 1993 or throbbing rock music composed by the third best Nickleback cover band in your hometown. That doesn’t make it OK.

Hardcore porn should take a cue from Cinemax’s softcore fare: bland, inoffensive, royalty free smooth jazz. We aren’t expecting the next John Williams’s score. (Though we must recognize porn director William H. Nutsack for compositions.

Lengthy Introductions:

Let’s be frank, we watch pornography for self-gratification. And we can’t get down to business if the actors aren’t. So when a porn scene begins with a seven-minute-long video of the girl dancing, we hit the fast forward button with our free hand as soon as possible. We pay good money for full-length videos (or we download them for free due to the government’s reluctance to persecute porn piracy) and we expect our money’s worth. The only thing worse than a scene that starts with a boring dance is one where the cameraman decides to interview the girl like he was conducting the porn equivalent of Frost/Nixon.

Slapping Genitalia:

We acknowledge that there is a litany of things people can do with their genitals that can fall under the broad spectrum of arousing. However the growing trend of porn actors smacking each others’ nether regions just isn’t something we can abide by. It would make sense in BDSM-themed porn, but it has even invaded run of the mill porn. Dudes ‘masturbating’ a woman by slapping her vagina like they were imitating a drum solo from an obscure Rush B-side. Worse is when men use their penis to hit women’s faces during fellatio, an act that is pleasurable for no one involved, except maybe viewers with a very specific ‘penis baseball bat’ fetish.

Creepy Locations:

Modern porn utilizes two main locations for any given shoot. Either a generic motel room or a garish mansion. The generic motel location is bad enough, what with the vague feeling that the film you are watching could turn into a new entry into the Saw franchise, but at least a motel makes sense to set a porn in: a lot of freaky sex happens in hotels at any given time. The garish mansion location makes very little sense.

Are we supposed to draw the conclusion that because the porn takes place in a mansion that the actors themselves have become wealthy due to their starring in a handful of porn scenes? If you want us to get immersed into a scene set it in a condo or a duplex, now that’s something we can get into.