Porn Valley- Sex got set back two centuries this morning on the Howard Stern show when Playboy Playmate Cara Wakelin came on promoting a Playboy 2005 bikini swimsuit calendar. While Wakelin didn’t exactly say she hated sex, she gave the impression that she’d rather have her eyeballs poked with Miami Dolphin’s pennant holders than cozy up to a man in the distant future. And forget about anal. Stern really jumped on the sex issue and said someone like Wakelin was the ultimate challenge. Stern asked her if there was any money in the Playboy-thing and Wakelin said more than what she was used to making. But if things didn’t work out she could always rely on her college degree. Stern asked her what that was. Wakelin said she majored in philosophy. So this will give you some idea where that interview was heading.

Wakelin seemed nice enough but when the subject got on to sex, she just wasn’t budging. Stern told her she has big issues. Stern also suggested that she’d head for the hills and not give a tumble to a guy inclined to buy her calendar. Stern also proposed his theories why Wakelin was having problems orgasming and not having sex. “It’s a psychological thing- it’s not chemical,” he said. “The reason you do not like being with men is based on your unique background. Abandoning father.”

Wakelin, who was a Playmate in 1999, said she just mer her father four years ago. Wakelin said her mother wanted to have the children by herself, that she’s a control-freak. “She wanted to raise us by herself and didn’t want a man around the house.” Wakelin said they were never married. Attempting to probe her psychological depths, Stern surmised that Wakelin’s wanting to pose nude is her desire to get control of men. “But at the same time you have this difficulty enjoying sex.” To that Wakelin said her mother is the most liberal person imaginable and would probably pose for Playboy if she could.”

Stern asked Wakelin if it was true that she found a sexual experience with a man so horrible she prays that it will be over. “I’ve done that many times,” she answered. Wakelin claims that most of her boyfriends treated her like crap. “They were awful.” Wakelin said there was one nice guy in her life but that wore off. “I feel dirty after- like it’s gross. That my dead grandmotheris watching me. It’s weird.” In one circumstance, Wakelin said she turned the TV on to Gilligan’s Island while a man had his way with her. “That was the first time when I lost my virginity,” she explained. “It was so boring.” Stern said that was a turn-on for him. “You are a challenge. I love this. If I’m the guy who can unlock the lock, be the key, then I would feel fantastic. A woman with problems is attractive to me like you’d not believe.” Stern suspected that it was his unique relationship with his mother that was the cause of it.

“You represent to me the ultimate,” he told Wakelin. “You can’t enjoy sex. And somewhere deep inside I want to believe that I’m the guy who can solve this problem.” Stern told Wakelin his game plan would be not have sex for the first month. “I would go out with you and not have sex with you.” Wakelin said under those conditions he’s be the perfect guy. To which Stern said only a month. Asked if she’d like to make out, Wakelin said yes but was totally unconvincing. Stern said, on the contrary. “Nothing excites her.” Wakelin positively agreed. Wakelin said she doesn’t even think about intimacy and girls don’t even hold an appeal. On rare occasions, Wakelin said she’ll masturbate but it doesn’t occur to touch herself. “I don’t even think about it.” Wakelin also said she never thought about guys when she was young except in friendship situations.

Stern noted that she was one of quadruplets. “Two died; your brother lived and you lived. And the dead person watching you is not your grandmother, you know that. Elvis Presley had the same problem his whole life because his dead twin- Jesse- never got to enjoy his life. He always felt that Jesse was watching him.” As Stern attempted to wittle down her defenses with obnoxious piano music, Wakelin said she was going to cry. Wakelin said she was 18 when she had sex with a man. “It was not that it was horrible,” she said. “It was not what I expected. Maybe I though it would be fireworks. A bi disappointment. Then I wish I had saved my virginity and never, ever would lose it.”

Stern also suspected that if she was into a guy things would be different. But Wakelin said it’s never happened. Asked if she’d try anal, Wakelin said never, ever. Stern suspected that might be her thing. “No! And I’ve had boyfriends wanting to do that,” said Wakelin. Stern asked about the nice guy and Wakelin said she broke up with him. “I dumped him for an awful person that I thought was nice. He turned out to be a nightmare.” According to Wakelin, the nice guy was too nice- a lesson that nice guys still need to learn. “He was the one who treated me the best. He was my boss. He was older.” Stern guessed that Wakelin was the hot chick in high school. She said no way. “I was very shy- I went to an art school but most of the guys were gay any way.”

Another problem Stern assumed, is that Wakelin has only been in relationships where it’s all about her. “She hasn’t been in that relationship, yet. They’re all too into you.” Wakelin said her last boyfriend was a scumbag. Wakelin also said that she’s never dated a black guy and was told that’s what she needs. “Sometimes you got to pull in the heavy artillery,” Stern suggested. Wakelin figured that might be too intimidating. “I hear that, but I haven’t seen anything,” said Wakelin who grew up in Toronto. As far as dancing, Wakelin said she pretty much stunk at that too. “I’ve got no rhythm. But when I drink I think I’m a great dancer. I’ll get up on the dance floor.”

Stern asked her if she stunk in bed like she does on the dance floor. Wakelin said he’s fairly decent at blowjobs and brings the guy to completion but doesn’t enjoy it. “Who does?” she asked. “I don’t get it. It hurts my jaw. I think I need to be in love with someone then I’ll pleasure them. But I’ve never been in love.” Stern said who wants to put in the time.