Ladies and gentlemen, I gotta ask you this.

There’s a new project that’s coming out. You gotta help me understand this. I’m not being an asshole and you’re all gonna say I am, because you all know how I feel about big fat bitches, but you gotta help me out here.

Jessica Drake and Kelly Shibari are collaborating on a “plus size” movie.

It’s such a long-winded press release, but let me give you a little of the nuts and bolts. Because I’d like to know where in this video is helpful information that could actually help save fat peoples’ lives. We’ll elaborate more on that later.

“Wicked Pictures contract star Jessica Drake will collaborate with BBW star Kelly Shibari on the first-ever educational DVD on plus-size sexuality.”

So, they are going to do an educational video. You understand what I’m saying? A fat girl and a skinny older lady are going to do an educational video on fat girls. An educational video. OK? This means they are going to help people. That’s what education means. They are giving people knowledge. You are educating them so they can better themselves. That’s what education normally stands for.

“The DVD, “Jessica Drake’s Guide to Wicked Sex: Plus Size,” will be released by Wicked Pictures. Casting for the project is currently underway; production begins shortly after the January adult awards show season.”

“I’m so thrilled to have Jessica and Wicked Pictures support me in the creation of this DVD,” Shibari said. “This is a project Jessica and I have been discussing for well over a year. She has been a great supporter and a true inspiration in the field of positive sexuality and agreed there was a lack, and a very obvious need, for a sex education video for people of size.”

Again, education. Remember this. Education.

“I hope the DVD will help men, women, and couples of size become more confident in their sexuality, explore their amazing bodies, and communicate better as to their sexual desires.”

“As a BBW model/performer, Shibari is passionate about introducing body-positive messages into the media spotlight, and promotes her ongoing mantra of “confidence is sexy” through a variety of mediums. Her article on plus-size sexuality and pornography on Jane Pratt’s Say Media site, xojane, was well-received.”

Never heard of this. If you’re gonna tell me that this is on par with CNN, Huffington Post and other mainstream news outlets, I’ve got a bridge to sell you.

“Shibari has written for several adult industry sites, and was a featured guest editor for ex-Gawker Media site Fleshbot’s Kelly Shibari Week, and contributes to sexuality website Gasm.org, as well as XBIZ.”

Gasm.org? Really?

Next.

“A proponent of “intelligent hedonism,” Shibari speaks on college campuses and more on how to intelligently navigate female sexuality, negative media messages about size, and bullying, all while developing self-confidence, class, and inner strength.”

I’m telling ya, only our business promotes and celebrates something unhealthy. No other industry and no other independent strong woman who is not getting her asshole fucked for $100 in porn would tell you that being obese as a woman or a man is something to celebrate. It is unhealthy and will lead to things like diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, heart attacks, you name it. Everything that goes with being unhealthy. There is no reputable legitimate health agency that will endorse men and women to be unhealthy and fat. It doesn’t happen. I’m sorry.

This was none more evident than when Kelly Shibari was talking to the mainstream press and saying that as a young child growing up she was bullied and picked on for being a fat kid and her getting into porn has led to an acceptance. It is something that makes her feel good. Because in the porn industry you can be fat and be looked at as a sex symbol and that is a great confidence booster.

And the interviewer looked at her and said, “Are you serious?” The interviewer was literally taken aback. He said to her, “Excuse me Kelly, are you saying that when you’re an adult and you work for a law firm or the Senate or The White House that you will be ridiculed and called a fat fuck and bullied and kicked around? That doesn’t often happen when you’re an adult.”

The reporter was so taken aback by such a ludicrous statement. That Kelly would say, “Hey fat girls, get into porn to be accepted and loved, because it will help you overcome the trauma of being abused when you were a kid that weighed 400 pounds.”

It was a disturbing statement. It disturbed the person doing the interview. Because it was pure lunacy.

It’s like having kid who’s fat and gets picked on because he can’t stop stuffing his face and telling that kid, “Don’t worry. When you get to be 18 you can go into porn and be accepted and loved. And you will be able to win awards as the best fat person.”

Are you fucking insane?

“When I started my research into plus size sexuality, I found there were plenty of blogs and a few books on the subject, but no educational videos, either from lack of production support or hesitation about covering the subject matter,” Shibari said.

Yeah, because being fat and unhealthy is not something you promote, idiots. There’s been a push for the last six years to get America more healthy from lunch programs to fitness marketing. You people are amazing. Fucking insane.

Shibari continues:

“I’m so pleased to have Jessica and Wicked take this step with me. Wicked is a phenomenal company when it comes to sex education outreach everywhere, and having their support in creating this DVD is extremely humbling.”

Wicked Pictures is doing a fat girl movie to make money. Nothing “humbling” about it. They’re making a profit by exploiting a niche. Fat Bitches.

Life in the Fat Lane, No Fun Unless She’s Two Tons, The Fat,The Bald and The Ugly, My Big Fat Wedding , Heavyweight Hotties and Blubber Bangin Bonanza are other examples of the genre.

No man or woman should be morbidly obese. They should never make an excuse to stay obese by getting into a profession where that is their shining star and moneymaker. Obesity is unhealthy and dangerous. No way around that fact.

Jessica goes on to say:

“The plus sized community deserves better sex education, support, and inspiration, and Kelly Shibari is the perfect person to co-direct and narrate ‘Guide to Wicked Sex: Plus Size’ to ensure the project’s genuine authenticity.”

What Jessica Drake is saying, in a nice way, is they needed to get a popular fat chick in the movie to give it “authenticity” so it wasn’t a skinny 40 year old woman talking about fat bitches.

“From the day I met Kelly, I hoped to collaborate with her on this project, and over time I’ve gotten to know her both as a friend and fellow educator. Her knowledge and creativity, coupled with a desire to share both in order to better the sex lives of an underrepresented and equally important demographic, will take this instructional to a whole new level.”

“As always, I am extremely grateful to Wicked Pictures for their constant support and for allowing me to continue to expand the Guide to Wicked Sex brand, helping women and couples of all kinds enhance their sexuality.”

Kelly and Jessica, I have a very simple question. Not trying to be a dick, but if this is an educational video, and it’s about people being comfortable and enhancing fat peoples’ lives, do you think that there might be a 10 to 15 minute segment where you actually talk about health? Talk about maybe eating some vegetables? Maybe you talk about putting down the Ding Dongs and Twinkles? Just wondering.

If this is an educational video that is designed to help people, don’t you think you should try to educate people that being fat isn’t healthy?

Shall we go down the list? Clogged arteries, heart disease, high blood pressure, strokes, diabetes… The list goes on and on of problems that people face when they become fat.

You’re putting out a video instructing fat people how to fuck. What you’re asking fat people to do is to perform acts that could literally kill them!

You’re creating a roadmap for people who are already unhealthy, at risk for heart attacks, strokes, diabetes, etc. to perform strenuous acts that could be dangerous.

I don’t think an educational video that teaches fat people how to fuck is something they need. I would think fat people would need a guide to LOSE FUCKING WEIGHT!

You know, jumping jacks, toe touches, sit ups… How about Wicked Pictures produces a video that shows fat people how to lose 30-40 pounds before they perform strenuous sexual activity so they don’t die of a fuckin heart attack? How about that?

What do you think about that for an instructional video?

This is an educational video. What kind of educational video leaves out a chapter about not being fat?

If Kelly Shibari and Jessica Drake really want to be of service to fat people, they would use this video as a disclaimer:

“This is how you look naked and it’s disgusting. Yes, it’s unhealthy. Yes, you will die if you don’t lose weight. Burn the images in your head. Now we’ll go to the real educational part where we teach you how to exercise, we teach you proper nutrition and teach you how to live a long healthy life.”

“But you can always go back to the beginning of the video so you can see what it’s like to watch whales fuck.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, this is Jessica Drake. Please put down the Ho Hos, the Ding Dongs and the Twinkies and get some fucking exercise. Thank you.”

Now THAT’S an educational video.

Follow Rob Black on Twitter @RealRobBlack Email: [email protected]