Porn Valley- If you look hard enough you’ll find it. Because every porn shoot has its defining moment when it can turn corners and experience meltdown. Someone looks crosseyed at someone else. There’s a comment made and next thing you know, an NHL hockey game’s erupting. But since that season is all but lost, Skeeter Kerkove’s Sensational Teens 2 shoot Saturday glided like untarnished rink ice. Though it did have its moments.

Hillary Scott had just been talking about stepping on a guy’s dick in her stilettos and how he was getting off on it. Now you hear Scott screamin’ in the back bedroom, “God, I fuckin’ love it!” Scott, who has yet to do a d.p. but fucks like a performer of the year, is being passed back and forth by Chris Charming and Otto Bauer as though the words “Government cheese” were stamped on her ass. Bauer, who does D.P.’s was telling me earlier how Tommy Gunn whom he lost Best Male Newcomer to, doesn’t. Then, again, Tommy Gunn probably didn’t have Audrey Hollander buying him a Corvette, either.

D.P. or not, Scott’s making enough noise to wake, well, Rachel Love. A newcomer of about a month and not to be confused with the cute little blond with the big tits who worked under that name, Love, as I can see it, is a bit removed from her namesake at this particular moment.

She’s just walked in the door and has brought both the spirit of Christmas and an autopsy along with her. Johnny Thrust will nickname her The Grinch. Johnny Thrust looks at Skeeter, www.bkmax.com. Skeeter looks at Johnny Thrust. It’s that look guys register when they’re trying to figure what just crawled up a woman’s ass and expired.

As the designated smoother-outer of things, Johnny goes to have a brief chat with Love, a tall, slenderish brunette. They talk outside. He’s explaining how Skeeter works. Mentions something about speeding things up because Love is basically moving like she bet heavy money on the tortoise to beat her in the foot race.

Love, however, takes Johnny to mean that he’s accusing her of being on speed. Love is insulted. Back inside, Johnny, far from being serious I’d imagine, nudges me towards an interview with Love who’s got this whole Valley of the Dolls vibe going. Practically keeling over, Love reminds you of someone who went to a hypnotist who forgot to snap his fingers.

I then ask Johnny if he patted her down for sharp objects. I’m being serious. “You’ll get a terrific interview,” is Johnny’s opinion. He thinks this is funny. Skeeter, whose goal in life is to complete a great five scene sex movie before the evening news, doesn’t. Skeeter, whose face looks like the restless two hours of sleep he had the night before, evidently hired Love sight unseen based on some glowing recommendations. Thrust’s was actually one of them. I keep hearing about this great scene Love is supposed to have done with Joey Silvera. Which was good enough for Skeeter who thinks Joey is a genius. “A man way ahead of his time like Jim Powers. That’s why he’s rich.”

Tiffany Holiday is another waifish brunette, who’s also working in this movie. She, likewise, has vouched for Love. It’s also Holiday’s birthday, and Skeeter introduces her as a fugitive on the lam from New York City, a point of origin which is fairly obvious because Holiday has that wiseass east coast way about her. Everyone in Skeeter’s movies is either a vagabond, a fugitive or a grifter which, of course, is the inside joke.

Holiday’s going to do a d.p. with Euro performers Alberto Ray and Pascal, two obvious health fanatics, and she tells these guys she hasn’t done a d.p. in a month so they had better be good. Holiday also wonders what Alberto’s dick looks like so he accommodates her. Alberto and Pascal are pretty funny guys even when communicating with one another like a French movie without subtitles. As they generally do on sets, Alberto and Pascal drop their pants and casually stroke their balls on Skeeter’s couch. It’s suggested that they’d make great guests to a Sunday afternoon football game just so you can watch them casually stroke their balls in your living room.

Alberto finds this comment very amusing and asks questions about Tijuana. He’s told to check out the donkey show. Alberto thinks he’s having his chain pulled about the donkey show. He’s told, no check out the donkey show.

Meanwhile, Johnny’s telling me Rachel Love has this thing for older guys, meaning to say that Love would probably do a better scene with me than “Beautiful Ben” [Benjamin Bratt] who’s scheduled to work later with her. Love comes back into the house and starts complaining about the extent of the air conditioning. Shaking like a Chihuahua, Love’s telling Skeeter she’s cold. Skeeter offers Love his jacket. “It’s an ugly jacket,” he says. Love declines. “I have a nice jacket- but it’s home,” she tells him.

Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t, but it would appear that Love’s intention is to bust balls. In a scene out of Pulp Fiction, Thrust starts telling Skeeter that he thinks his jacket is really nice, that Skeeter shouldn’t be downplaying the value of his jacket. Love, in the mean time, grabs a chocolate pudding and begins sucking it out of a container.

“Do you want a spoon with that?” Skeeter asks politely if not sarcastically. Thrust is practically on the floor. The good news on the set is always Skeeter’s stocked refrigerator. This time around he bought shrimp like there was a tsunami sale at Ralph’s.

Love then asks Skeeter if she might have a beer. He offers her a Tecate and her mood improves appreciably. I ask Johnny to keep count and call me after Love’s third can, figuring if an electrical storm won’t jump start her, that probably will.

Thrust begins telling Love about Beautiful Ben. How Beautiful Ben has curly hair. How Beautiful Ben has a bulbous ass. Johnny is describing Beautiful Ben like one of those hooker ads in the LA Xpress. Then Johnny juts out his ass and glides across the kitchen like Groucho Marx to give Love the idea of what Ben’s bulbous ass is like.

Johnny, who’s being billed as “Bad Bob” can make all the jokes he wants, because he gets to fuck a primo babe in this movie. From Finland, she calls herself Saana, so she has to put up with the Sauna jokes. With golden blond hair wrapped in German beer hall waitress braids, Saana reminds you a lot of Hannah Harper, but she doesn’t seem to think so.

Beautiful Ben is not as beautiful as Saana, but he does have a quick grasp of the situation. He’s thinking the same thing as Skeeter, that Love was going to “lay back and hang out”. So Skeeter starts giving Rachel Love the “speech”. It’s not exactly a pep talk as much as a discussion about how it would be in her best interests for her career to rise out of the coffin and stop playing the director like a fiddle. Muttering something about that just because this is one of her first scenes doesn’t mean she’s not going to be a big star, Love is swearing up and down that she’s going to give Skeeter a good run for his money.

Skeeter reminds her it’s an anal scene and Love suddenly remembers that she hasn’t evacuated. Skeeter wonders when Love was going to share this with him. In another point whose significance was apparently lost on Skeeter, Love also mentions that, heretofore, she’s only taken it in the ass in a bedroom. Which in a sense is artistically contradicting the fact that Skeeter wants her to get butt fucked in his living room.

But as narcoleptic as Love appeared all afternoon she comes surprisingly alive when the camera rolls and Bratt is deep to his balls in her ass and is as surprised as everyone about the results. Bratt congratulates Love on it being a good scene. “I was worried about your energy levels.”

Later, with apologies, Rachel explains to Johnny Thrust that she had been dealing with a toothache which made her miserable.

Hell, if Alberto knew that to begin with, he wouldn’t have had to go all the way to Tijuana for the donkey show.