Crissy Moran writes on MYSpace: Well, first of all my real name is Christina not Crissy and my last name is not ***** (my old porn last name).  You can still call me Crissy though it has kinda stuck with me. Please bear with me as I pour out my heart and soul as honestly as I possibly can.   I grew up in Jacksonville, FL.  Most of my life has been a constant search for happiness and love.  I remember the happiest years.  My earliest happy memories were between the ages of 4 – 11.  I was raised in a peaceful christian home (at first).  My parents loved each other.  We would go to church every time the doors were open.  When we weren’t in church we would talk about God and pray.  My dad was a pastor in a church when I was younger actually before I can remember.  He was always active in church in some capacity.  My mom sang on the choir.  She loved to sing and was always singing every where she went.  She would cook, clean, and do most everything while singing praises to God.  My daddy was gentle and loving.  I have a younger brother who is two years younger than me.  He was my best friend.  My most favorite memory is sitting on my daddys lap with my head on his chest and hearing his heartbeat and listening to him read the bible to me.  It always gave me so much comfort.  He would tell me that he was my “daddy” but God was my “father”.  I fell asleep peacefully many times in his lap while he would rock me.  We were so financially poor and I never even knew it.  I was saved when I was just 11 years old.  I lived for God and loved him with all my heart!  Of course being so young I hadn’t experienced much of life yet and didn’t know what roads I would be led down. Even though those years were the best memories it was also when I was first molested.  When I was just 5 years old I went swimming over at a neighbors house. My brother was with me playing with the three little boys who lived there.  Meanwhile their father was fondeling me in the pool.  I was not sure what he was doing so I just ignored it.  He took me to the bathroom and did the same.  I remember being in the pool and seeing his wife inside the window looking out at us in the pool.  I assumed she knew but I was too young and didn’t understand what he was doing to me.    When I was about 12 years old things began to change drastically in my life.  My dad always would talk to me about God and tell me I was a virgin of Israel and to stay that way until I was married.  We moved a few times and my dad began to let different people live in our home.  We had a crippled man living with us at one point and then another time my dads work buddy and his son who was my age.   While they lived with us my dad began to change.  I still remember the first time I saw a beer in his hand.  My heart felt like it stopped.  His work friend drank heavily and soon they became drinking buddies.  Then his drinking buddies just started coming out of the woodwork and he stopped going to church with us.  He still preached and when he would get drunk he would feel the need to tell all his buddies how I was a virgin and if any man every touched me he would kill them.  I would get so embarrassed and so would my mom.   I could always sense men lusting after me even at a young age.  I felt many of his friends looked at me with lust even though I was a little girl.  When I would be alone with his friends they would make weird remarks about how pretty I was and it gave me the creeps.  I would walk down the road to a friends house and older men would whistle or yell out the window.   My dads friends son started to molest me.  We never actually had intercourse but he did a lot of other things to me.  He seemed to know a lot about sex.  This is something I just dealt with because I saw the way the little boys father beat him and I was scared he would kill him.  He always had bruises.  I would fight him kicking and screaming and my little brother would always try to jump him when he could.  I would feel so dirty but a couple of people had already molested me by this time in my life.  I was afraid also because my dad always said he would kill anyone who would touch me.  Eventually they moved out.   My dad had become an alcoholic.  My mom still took us to church and we just began being with her more and my dad was left out of the equation.  His thinking became irrational.  My mom was fearful of him and so were my brother and I.  He would go out to bars and come home with gun shots, broken knuckles, and with bruises and blood on him.  He would say he was preaching the word and someone didn’t like it.  He started being very mean to my mom.  One time he flipped over our dinner table because she cooked something in the microwave and he expected everything to be fresh and homemade.  He started using his fists to break car windshields, our french doors, and anything else that was around when he would become enraged.  He started giving us spankings more often but a lot of times my mom would intervene and say she would do it because she feared he was too angry and would hurt us.  He still preached the word all the while.   One day close to Christmas my mom and dad had went to his work Christmas party.  We stayed home alone and when they got home they were fighting.  My brother and I were in our bedroom crying as we heard my parents arguing.  My dad ripped my moms beautiful red satin dress off of her and I heard things being thrown in the other room.  My dad was calling my mom horrible names as she ran out the front door and saying he would kill her if she left with us.  Often when they would fight she would take me and my brother with her over to my grandmas house.  She left us there this time.  We were scared wondering what would happen next.  My dad gave us both a trash bag and told us to pack up some of our things and throw the bags into the back of the truck.  He then drove away with us to another city close to Orlando.  We weren’t allowed to call our mom for a few days.  When we finally could we weren’t allowed to tell her where we were.   After a couple of weeks he moved us into a half trailer/ half house on a dirt road.  My dad would cry the most saddest cries I have ever heard anyone cry over my mom.  He would tell us how much he loved her and how heart broken he was.  My mom started coming out to visit us on the weekends and holidays.  He would beg her to stay and be a family with us.  Other times he would be a raging lunatic and getting drunk and scaring all of us.  He could change so quickly and we never knew how he would act at any given time or situtation.   My moms visits began to slow down.  I was about 13 and having a hard time in school.  I went from being a straight A student to now making one or 2 C’s.  I was now the woman of the house (as my dad called me).  I had to make his lunches, cook dinner, clean, grocery shop, do laundry at the laundry mat, and take care of my dad.  He would pass out all the time.  He would preach to us all the time but even though he preached God’s word it was coming out of the mouth of a drunken man.  My dad and I would stay up for hours debating the word of God.  He would come home from the bars beat up, pass out in his truck or in the front yard, or do embarrassing things like climb the tree in our front yard and sing as loud as he could “Glory, glory hallelejah!”.  He also had times when he was totally normal and showed us a lot of love.  We would pray together a lot.  We were so poor that the church would donate us food and gifts on holidays.  He was drinking all our money away.   Not only was I dealing with this but kids at school were picking on me.  They said I was the ugliest girl in the school and would make fun of my lips, nose, eyes, and my clothes.  Kids would even try to fight me but I was so shy and unconfrontational that I would try to walk away.  I did get in a couple of fights with boys in my neighborhood and of course I would kick their butts!  I had so much inside I was holding in!!  I was a very sad and depressed little girl and totally confused about God but I still have faith he was there and things would get better. One day my mom told us that she was getting remarried.  My dad flew into a rage and told my mom and soon to be stepdad he would kill them both.  He cried all the time still and prayed with us that our mommy would come home and be the kind of woman God wanted her to be.  I didn’t blame her myself. Although my daddy was full of love he had weird ways of showing it.  I decided to go live with my mom and my brother told me he would stay and take care of daddy.  I told my dad and he cried and asked me what was he going to do without me he said first your mom leaves me and now you are.  I told him that I am becoming a woman and I need my mom.  I was strong and made the move.   When I first moved in I thought I was rich!  I had never been in as nice of a house as my stepdads!  He was a police officer and of course wasn’t rich but I didn’t know better.  I thought all of my dreams of having a normal life were going to come true!  I got to buy pretty clothes for once in my life and start wearing makeup.  I started going to high school and all of a sudden people weren’t picking on me anymore.  I was actually nominated in my home room for Homecoming Princess my first year in high school.  I didn’t make it past the nomination in my homeroom but I was very shocked.  I figured it was the pretty clothes and makeup because I was still the same girl on the inside.  (Til this day I have a fear of being seen without my makeup and am very insecure!)   My home life was not very good though.  I had bad posture and no real table manners.  My stepdad would pick on me about things.  My mom would just sit quietly as he ridiculed me.  A few times she would defend me but he would say something to her and she would back down again.  He was never violent and never raged though.  I started to become rebellious and even more depressed.  There were times I would say mean things back to him and cry and walk away.  I had lost respect for either of them.  I desperately longed for some alone time with my mother and she was too busy.  We rarely even spoke to one another about life, relationships, or anything.  We just usually argued.  I would try to stay with girl friends from school and get close to their mothers but it wasn’t the same.  My mom and stepdad didn’t go to church at all.   High school life was weird for me.  I was friends with mostly everyone but went through friends in phases.  I felt no one was really accepting of me.  My grades plummeted big time and from 9th grade – 11th grade I barely made it through.  I made mostly F’s.  I would come home from school every day and listen to music, cry, and write my feelings.  I expressed myself through poetry which I shared with my friends at school and various letters I would write and not show anyone.  I was in a very dark place.  I liked a few boys at school but they barely noticed me.  The ones who did would spend time with me and we wouldn’t have intercourse but still mess around and they would tell everyone they slept with me.   My dad kept calling me and asking me if I was still a virgin or if I had become a whore and my mom just told me to tell her when I had sex so she would put me on birth control.  I was so confused. Both boys and girls had molested me all my life and now I was starting to enjoy it.  I started to feel like the boys liked me because I was pretty now and maybe they would love me.  I eventually lost my virginity at the age of 17 to a much older man.  I felt so much guilt but then I was a little excited about it at the same time like I was getting back at my parents.  I was also feeling like I was loved now.  God was still in my heart but I started to push him away.  I dated the guy I lost my virginity to for about 6 months.  After I broke up with him I started to date another guy when I was 18.  This guy would come over and watch TV with me at my parents house but most of the time my parents would tell me to have him come and get me and hang out at his house which I never understood.  It was a hassle for him to drive so far and I thought my parents would prefer I was there so they could keep an eye on me.  This boyfriend was the one I wanted to marry.  I always thought about what it would be like to have his baby and have a family of my very own.  I thought that if I had a baby I would have someone who would always love me no matter what!   One morning as I was getting ready school I got sick.  I didn’t think much of it until it happened more often.  I had my boyfriend bring over a pregnancy test and sure enough I was pregnant.  I was so excited that I was going to get married and have a baby!  I was in 11th grade and it was almost summer.  A couple days after we found out my stepdad asked me if I was because he saw me run to the bathroom and get sick.  I told him I was and he told my mom.  They asked me if my boyfriend was going to marry me and take care of me and I told him yes that was the plan.  A few days later my boyfriend said he changed his mind.  My mom told me I had to have an abortion.  I was mortified!  This was my baby, my one true love!  They said I needed to finish up summer school for 11th grade and my senior year and since my boyfriend wasn’t going to be able to support me that was all I could do.  I told them I didn’t know how I was going to take care of my baby but that I would somehow and that atleast I could give my baby the one thing they never gave me and that was LOVE!  I was so rebellious and hurt.   A week later my boyfriend took me to the abortion clinic with the money my mom gave him for the abortion.  I went through the counseling and everything and I cried the whole time.  When it came time to do the sonogram they asked me if I would like to see the babys heart beat.  I said yes.  I looked and they pointed to the heart.  I saw this tiny little thing beating and I felt the life inside of me.  I realized it was really there now.  My very own baby!  I began to cry hysterically and told them I couldn’t do it and they escorted me out to my boyfriend and told him the news.  He looked mad and drove me home.  When we walked in the door my mom asked me how I was feeling.  I just ran into the bathroom crying and she asked my boyfriend if I did it and he said no.  When I came out she confronted me about it and I told her how I felt.  She took me back herself a few days later and made sure I did it.  I wasn’t knocked out during the procedure because I didn’t want to cost my mom any extra money.  I was awake listening to the machine suck the life out of me.  I was screaming and crying and three people were holding me down telling me to be still or I would damage something and not be able to have kids in my future.  Kids at school found out about it that summer in summer school because I confided in a couple of my close friends.  No one looked at me again the same way.  My senior year I stopped being friends with everyone and concentrated on school in order to walk with my class I had to make almost all straight A’s, take no electives, and go to night school.  The dean didn’t think I could do it but I did and I walked with my class in 1994.  My search for love and approval continued into my adult life.  I would date men and work hard to keep the relationships together by being the kind of woman any man would want.  The men I was dating were not Christians and honestly I didn’t care as long as they could tell me they loved me.  I had several long term relationships that lasted 1-4 years and I did have 1 year I was just promiscious.  I would have wild nights from time to time where I would drink a lot to get through the pain in my life.  I would hurt myself to see if anyone would care and no one did.  The men in my life never turned out to be the prince charming that I always thought I would have.  I thought someone would come along and see something special in me and we could change our lives together and have a family.  I thought someone would rescue me.  I got engaged when I was 21 years old.  I later discovered my fiance had porn stashed away in my closet.  I told him one day I would appear in those magazines.  We split up shortly after I had my first breast augmentation which I had because I felt I wasn’t quite good enough for him.   When I was about 22 I went through a rough breakup with someone I had only dated for a few months.  I had fallen hard and quick.  I could not get out of bed to go to work.  I felt paralyzed in my bed.  I could not stop crying and my cries were making me feel sick.  I began to have panic attacks frequently.  Everytime I would think about the situation it would propel me into a panic attack.  I went to a doctor and was put on medication to manage it.  The medication also numbed my desire to feel my normal emotions.   At work I began to be bored because even though I had advanced quickly I ended up in a job that was just boring to me.  I was filing voter cards all day and not using my mind at all.  I discovered the internet at work.  I began online dating and put my pictures up on a website where amateur models could solicit work.  The people on the website were just everyday looking people and not the type of models you see in magazines.  They had testimonials on how they got work and I thought if they could get paid to model then maybe I could also.   I was never thought of as “model” pretty and just wanted to see if I could do it.  I put some pictures up and the emails began coming in asking me to do nude modeling.  I turned them down for a few months.   After going through yet another heart breaking break up I lost any sense of self worth I had left and I took my first job.  It was only suppose to be a topless shoot and the first time I took my top off in front of the photographer I felt so inadequate.  I had never even been fully comfortable walking around in a bikini!  Day two of the shoot I got completely nude.  That was totally unplanned but I had a spirit of rebellion and just did it.  The photographer gave me the pictures and I then replaced my snapshots with nude pictures.  The newer pictures provided me more work.   I then met a new boyfriend who managed my modeling and would go to my shoots with me.  He was only looking out for himself and his own desires.  He pressured me into having a threesome with a girl.  I did not enjoy it at all.  It was weird to me because it hurt to share someone I cared about so much.   We eventually broke up and I took off one night to Tampa, FL and moved in with a photographer who shot me.  He later became my boyfriend and webmaster of my website.  He was very fatherly to me and we never fell in love.  I would stay in bed all day and sleep most of the time.  I was very depressed and he would take care of me.  The relationship ended when he broke up with me and even though I wasn’t in love it hurt just as badly.  I still continued to have panic attacks often.    I started internet dating again.  That eventually led me to my longest relationship which lasted about 3 1/2 years.  The person was extremely abusive and controlling.  He tried to kill me and everyday would remind me of how worthless I was.  The first two years I was just trying to “save” him.  I did pray for him and tried to share God with him.  I thought if I sacrificed myself (much as God did for us) that he would one day love me greatly.   He controlled my modeling career, my emails, my phone calls, my friendships, my bank account, my life!  He did drugs and I began to do whatever he did.  I thought if I hurt myself it would be his wake up call.  I did cocaine, crystal meth, marijuana, and ecstasy.  We would go through phases of drug use and I don’t feel I ever had an addiction.  Now that I look back I feel God was protecting me.  There were times during the drug use that I saw or heard demons but I felt they were on my side.  I was in a very dark place.  I would wake up sometimes in the middle of the night and see him looking at porn.  I would find other females phone numbers constantly and discovered he was cheating on me with many of them.  He had ads up on online dating sites.  I was so hurt that I was with someone who had no love at all in his heart for me.  I did so much to make him love me and he never did.   The remaining time during my relationship was me trying to get away.  I had fallen out of love but only felt sympathy for him.  He was with me every minute of the day.  If I was out of his sight got 5 minutes he would come check on me.  One time I jumped out of the car after he threatened to kill me.  I ran across lanes of traffic into a gas station crying and screaming for someone to call the police only to be looked at like I was crazy while my boyfriend carried me away.   I reached out to people who came to our home after establishing a connection of trust.  I told my mom who said she would help but that was as far as she pursued it.  I told people at shoots when he wasn’t around.  No one would make it happen.  I prayed every now and then asking God why did he hate me so much and not rescue me from this man.  I clearly saw the face hatred in this mans eyes. One day he tried to smother me with my pillow.  After hours of arguing I ran out of the house and down the street to a neighbors house.  They called the police and he went to jail.  I tried to make plans to leave but his friends posted bail and he came home before I could leave.  I had a friend from Los Angeles who told me he would come and get me.  He didn’t show up.  My boyfriend talked me into dropping things and trying to make it work.   One day we moved in a friend who became our makeup artist for a website we were shooting and our personal assistant.  He witnessed a lot of the verbal abuse and bad treatment I was getting and he came to me one day saying “Crissy, you don’t need this”.  One day we left my boyfriend for a few days.  I was free finally but I decided after talking to my ex I should go back and get my money out of his bank and some clothes.  He promised he would give me those things.  I went back and he tried to make me stay.  He physically would block me into corners and rooms.  When we would fight he would always put both arms around me and corner me and make me argue back with him.  Eventually after I told him how much I hated him he gave me one small suitcase and told my friend  “Get this whore out of here before I kill her!  I am going to put her 6 feet under!”  That was always one of his favorite phrases that he would put me 6 feet under.  We ran out of the house and we went to from Las Vegas to Los Angeles. I called my modeling manager and told him to book me.  I was broke and we were living off my friends credit card.  I started booking alot of jobs.  When I was with my last boyfriend I mainly did my website which allowed me to build up an online fan base.  I didn’t do much for other companies as far as movies, shoots, and magazines went.  I began doing everything.  I only worked solo and with girls.  I did some boy/girl movies and shoots in the past with an ex boyfriend but not very many.  I never worked with other men.  I just began working as much as possible and we found a place to live, I bought a car in my friends name, and started dating again.   I went through more heartbreaks and became suicidal.  I was taken to the hospital for panic attacks.  I tried to overdose on xanax, strangle myself, and cut my wrists but not nearly deep enough.  I was too scared of the pain.  I prayed God would just take me away!  I felt helpless.  I even went to church for a few months but the guilt I felt was overwhelming that I would feel as if I were choking when I was at church.  I had to choose and once again I chose to continue sinning.  It was easier and I needed the money. I later met a new boyfriend who I stayed with a year and eight months.  This was my last boyfriend I dated while in the adult business.  I fell in love the day I first saw him with his little boy.  He was a great father and reminded me of the good times I had with my own.  I saw nothing but pure love between them.  I felt if he could love so much he would love me.  He showed me how to have fun again and how to laugh!  I got off the anti depressants before I met him and was having withdrawals still but he helped me manage to get through it.   I finally had a normal life…. but there were still things missing that were needed for a successful relationship.  Since I was doing girl/girl scenes and modeling he used it as a way to get away with things he would do that I didn’t agree with.  I didn’t agree with a lot of things he did but dealt with them.  He was the best guy I had ever met.  I didn’t like that he had pictures of his ex girlfriends both nude and clothed.  I would find them everywhere… in the car, in his sons room, tucked away all over the house.  I didn’t like the magazines had because although they weren’t “porn” they were filled with beautiful women in provocative poses.  It made me feel as if I was not good enough.  I thought that by me being in porn I could be both the “fantasy” and the girl he wanted to marry and he would not need anything else.  I was so wrong!   One day while he was out of town working on a television show he called me up drunk.  He rarely drank so I was a bit surprised.  He said he was at a dinner club that had dancing.  I asked what it was called and then googled the name.  It was a strip club.  I was devastated.

He lied to me all that night saying he was at a restuarant and not a strip club.  We spent hours on the phone while he tried to convince me.  He didn’t admit it was a strip club until the next day when he called me.  That’s when he threw my job in my face.  He threw my job in my face often and when I would say I would leave it he would say I can’t because I need the money.  He revealed to me how he looks at other women and thinks about what it woud be like to be with them and how because he is a man it is okay and normal.  I told him that in the bible it says that if a man even looks at a woman with lust it is adultery.  He didn’t agree.  All I knew is how I had felt much of my life.  The thought of someone loving me and feeling these things towards other women broke my heart.  It also made me reflect a lot on what I did for a living.  As I spoke to him on the phone I said “I don’t understand why my family had to raise me in a ridiculous religion and teach me about God and love because that is not how it really is!  No one can ever just love me in a pure way…… I hate God!”.  I then fell to the ground crying. I spent a day alone unable to eat, praying, writing, and trying to sort out my feelings.  I did so much thinking about my life and my job.  I started thinking about the men who look at my pictures and wondering what their lives must be like.  I would get so many emails from men telling me how beautiful I was.  I got gifts from time to time.  I would get poems, erotic stories, and emails asking advice.  I wondered how many of these men were married men.  I thought about how many men might not be finding true happiness because they are glued to their computers.  I was in the business 6 years and some of them were in my life as long.  I started thinking of all the pain my own choice to do porn may have caused.   I thought a lot about other girls in the business.  I am not judging anyone because I have no room to.  I have made my own mistakes in my life but I felt a real sadness for other girls.  I was friends with several girls whose lives changed while being in porn.  I saw the looks fade with drug and alcohol use.  I witnessed their spirits being broken.  I saw the way the men in their lives treated them.  I wondered if they had the same pain I did throughout their lives. I thought about God and prayed a lot that day.  I barely slept.       The next day after I reflected I flew out to see my boyfriend.  When I saw him I felt different.  On one hand I was relieved to be hugged and touched and on the other hand I felt the results of his betrayal.  I thought about it every moment we were together.   That night we had dinner with one of his friends.  Our conversations were mainly of his friend trying to convince me that it is okay for my boyfriend to look at porn, go to strip clubs, and lust after other women.  I just felt why would he need that when he has me.  I can please him in any way he needed.  I am the fantasy girl and the perfect girlfriend.   The next day I went on the set of the television show they were working on to hang out and take pictures.  My boyfriends friend came over with a picture of his friends wife pulling up her top.  He showed it to my boyfriend, then me, and then this guy Chris who my boyfriend had introduced me to earlier that day.  He made a comment along the lines of “This is what married life is all about”.  I said “Well, I really hope that the man I marry some day doesn’t do that.  I want him to cherish me”.  He laughed and then Chris who was sitting next to me says “I wouldn’t show my wifes nude pictures to anyone… that would just be for me”.  Everyone else was laughing and Chris wasn’t.  He had morals.  I was in shock.  For so many years I have not heard any man say something so respectful.  I have always been with men who would email my pictures or want me to show my body to their friends or even want to share me.  I didn’t know there were men like that.  From that moment anything this man had to say I was going to listen to.    Later on my boyfriend was on his cellphone and took the call outside.  I was left there talking with Chris.  He aksed what I did for a living and I tried to avoid the topic.  He revealed to me that he overheard my boyfriend and his friend speak about it already so I told him I did porn.  We talked about my life and relationships.  He asked me if I believed in God and I told him that I did.  We talked about his struggles also which were simliar to that of many men the difference was the way he handled things.  He had God in his life and even though he struggled he kept in God’s word and prayer.  He didn’t just accept that he was a man and was destined to be that way.  His words were a testimony to me.    When my boyfriend came back later on Chris asked him if it would be okay with him if he took me outside the set to pray with me.  We went outside and talked for a bit and I accepted Jesus back in my heart.  I felt a feeling of God’s love come over me.  We prayed together.  Tears of joy fell down my face as I began to feel brand new again.  I felt God’s love.  I made the choice from that moment on not to go back to porn.  I felt close to God again and vowed to never walk in darkness again.  I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend and finding a place all by myself.  I have never lived alone!  I dealt a lot with spiritual warfare in the beginning.  I would wake up with horrifying nightmares.  I had a mini stroke before my breakup and had concerns about my heart.  I woke up one night having a dream that the devil was telling me he was going to make me have a heart attack.  I woke up in sweat and my heart racing!  I since have learned how to fight these things.   I have been going to church, conferences, and meeting great new Christian friends.  I still love my old friends very much though and always will.  I pray that my life will be a testimony to them.   I have begun to live a celibate life which has provided me much clarity and discernment.  It hasn’t been a long time and definitely hasn’t been easy!  I won’t lie!   My own choices led me to some of the pain I went through.  My choices were not that of God.  I wasn’t putting him first in my life.  Even still God will never give us more than we can handle and he will forgive you and restore to you what you have lost.  He allowed me to go through the pain so that he can mold me.  He has made me into the beautiful soul that I am.  He has forgiven me and made me a new creature! I am unemployed right now and gave up a pretty generous income.  I am about to go totally broke after this month.  I am giving it all up for God.  Just think what he did for us.  He died on the cross to forgive of us our sins.  If he can do that for me I should be more than willing to give up any earthly posessions I have.  If he chooses to take them all from me I will still follow him.  I know that my search for love has now ended!  I have found the one true love of my life……Jesus Christ!  The thing was he was always there!  I just pushed him away.  I hope that my story can helps others to not make the same mistakes I have. 

God is Love.