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from www.houstonpress.com – Pornographic parodies of mainstream films and television shows, also called parallel porn titles, are a lot like licensed video games, honestly. Some of them are great, but most of them are kind of an embarrassment to themselves.

I’ve owned the Rocky Porno Video Show, Twin Cheeks, and a hot, but ridiculous Scooby Doo title that has Bree Olson as Daphne. Watching every single one of them has left me asking, “Exactly what is in the water in East Houston that I paid money to be experiencing this?”

Then again, there’s an even bigger quandary, how the hell do companies get away with this in the first place? True, satire is protected under the First Amendment, but is it satire if you just remake the movie and hit the “add fucking here” button?

The law is actually really unclear on this point, and in several cases there have been legal challenges to planned porn projects that have derailed our chance to see high end Rule 34 in action. There’s a really great article by Peter Nowak on this issue that you should read. Today we celebrate you, the legal system, for patiently saying, “Yes, I will listen to you argue about porn.” Whatever judges are paid, it’s probably not enough.

Fifty Shades of Grey: Universal is making a Fifty Shades of Grey film because apparently movie theater ushers don’t have enough shit to deal with without having to throw out soccer moms surreptitiously masturbating in the local multiplex.

Smash beat Universal to the punch with Fifty Shades of Grey: A XXX Adaptation. Universal, realizing that allowing an actual porn to compete with their pseudo-porn was a legitimate threat, sued Smash.

Here’s where it gets hilarious. Smashed countersued Universal arguing that Fifty Shades of Grey was public domain. Why? because the whole thing developed from a Twilight fan fic called Master of the Universe on online forums under the username Snowqueen’s Icedragon. I’m pretty sure that’s the stupidest sentence I’ve ever typed, by the way, though it does explain the whole phenomenon and also why other countries hate us. The countersuit went nowhere. Just because something is hilarious doesn’t mean it’s right, and Smash and Universal settled.

Ben & Jerry’s: How do you porn parody ice cream? That sounds like a Zen riddle, but there’s a straight answer. Rodax Distributors and Caballero Video ran out of puns at some point, and decided that the oh so clever names of Ben & Jerry flavors would easily lend themselves to descriptions of people boning as well as presumably the worst tie-in product ever. No one wants to eat porn ice cream.

Under the heading Ben & Cherry’s, we saw videos like Boston Cream Thigh, New York Fat & Chunky, Peanut Butter D-Cup, and the ominous-sounding Chocolate Fudge Babes. Ben & Jerry’s successfully sued over the matter to halt production of the titles, and said that they had been besmirched. Apparently this is where they draw the line. I would have thought naming two evil businessmen in Twin Peaks after the company would be worse, but what do I know? I’m a guy whose getting paid to talk about pornos and ice cream.

The Three Stooges: Believe it or not, C3 has in no way been messing around when it comes to the Three Stooges brand. They’ve been protecting it since it was set up by the Stooges themselves more than fifty years ago. You might remember that a new movie recently came out, though to judge by the box office numbers the odds that you actually saw it are slightly less than my odds of flying the space shuttle.

Still, Will Rhyder wasn’t worried when he put out Not the Three Stooges XXX. He should have been. C3 made with the cease and desist letters, and Rhyder did exactly what any one of us would do in this situation. He leaked the letters to TMZ because suing someone over a porn parody is just stupid enough to be mocked on TMZ.

Super Mario Bros: In 1993 the world got one of its first real professional video pornos in the form of the two-part epic Super Hornio Bros starring the one and only Ron Jeremy. The film remains very hard to get a hold of because Nintendo actually did the smart thing rather than the dumb thing.

Why beat ’em when you can join them? Nintendo owned a string of “love hotels” in Japan before becoming the creator of childhood fun, so they weren’t necessarily shy about sex. Instead of suing Midnight Entertainment, they just bought up the rights to distribute the film. Which they then proceeded to absolutely not freakin’ do, of course, but they faithfully renew the copyright whenever it comes up so they have the grounds to successfully sue anyone that would try and release the parody.

Doctor Who: Here’s something that you may not know about the BBC and Doctor Who… they care way more about the Daleks than pretty much every other aspect of the show. It’s true, and it makes sense if you look at how well the monsters have done for themselves. On the other hand, it sort of says something about the BBC, doesn’t it?

So while there are already two Doctor Who porn parodies out there that the BBC doesn’t seem to care about, when Abducted By The Daleks came out showing three women kidnapped and sexed up by the denizens of Skaro they swung into action and sued the ever loving crap out of everyone involved until copies were blasted off eBay with more force than a Dalek laser.

Dalek creator Terry Nation’s estate respond with “The reason the Daleks are still the most sinister thing in the universe is because they do not make things like porn,” which I believe I will get printed on a T-shirt. BBC has also won a lawsuit over whether or not they own the images of police boxes despite those being an actual thing that predates the show, so if they send lawyers, make like The Doctor and run!