Porn Valley- Must be your weekend if you’re a former stand-up comedian working in the porn business. A profile of Vivid’s Steve Hirsch which appears in The Cleveland Plain dealer mentions that Howard Levine who handles sales for Hirsch was a former stand-up comedian. But Levine’s not the only frustrated comic working the adult business, not necessarily for cheap laughs.
“I did stand-up for three years because I’m a funny-looking guy,” said Jim DiGiorgio on The Distorted Reality Show Friday night on KSEX. DiGiorgio was filling in for the vacationing Quasarman who also happens to be a stand-up comic when he’s not sitting behind the mike at KSEX. DiGiorgio, who tendered apologies to Gauge for stiffing her show the week before, also claims to have won the funniest writer award from Mike South, which is tantamount to winning a best eyesight award from Ray Charles.

Grabbing what laurels he could, DiGiorgio said AVN wasn’t giving him any awards this week. “Fuck them,” said DiGiorgio. “Who cares about an AVN award. You take that fuckin’ statue down to Starbucks and it’s still going to cost you $1.70 for a Venti.”

Meanwhile, someone in the chat room challenged DiGiorgio to bend over and attempt to tie his shoe laces. And it was Gauge with a stand up comic’s timing, noting Jimmy D’s bald spot and commenting on it. It was Gauge busting balls rather than Jimmy D who said, “That’s what they got me here for- to bust a little balls. Quasar doesn’t bust balls. He tries to be fucking witty. He tries to be that comedian– the political one- Dennis Miller. But you’re not Dennis Miller, Quaze. No offense, but you’re not Dennis Miller. Just be yourself. Of course, if he was being himself, he’d be all fucking drunk and passed out on the fucking table.”

Someone in the chat room then wanted to know if Gauge did interracial. “I have done interracial before,” she replied.

“So you’re like a part-time smoke jumper?” Jimmy D asked her. “A coal burner? I’m trying to be nice here.” Gauge seemed to have lost her timing prompted by Jimmy’s quaint interracial euphemisms but did say that she worked with Lexington Steele. Jimmy said dick must have been coming out her mouth. “Actually he didn’t put it in all the way,” said Gauge. “I don’t think. If he did, he did it right to where it wasn’t, like fuckin’ crazy. Or it could totally have been the muscle relaxers I was on. I don’t know. You got to have something when it’s that big.”

Besides plugging Steven R. Schirripa’s Goombah’s Guide to Life, the efficacies of bong water on your mental state and cleansing your ass with Baby Wipes, Jimmy D brought up the fact that he volunteered to do an anti-porn commercial for XXXChurch which is using midgets as a part of an anti-porn campaign.

“I wrote an article and wrote them a letter saying I would shoot for free, they’re next commercial,” Jimmy D. said. “I would provide, lights, camera, sound, editing, a crew. Everything for fucking free. They wrote me a letter back and want to sit down and talk to me about it. I’m an equal opportunity guy. I believe in the First fuckin’ amendment. And if they think porn sucks, that porn’s awful and porn stunts you’re growth, it’s their fuckin’ right to say it and I’ll even go out there and spend my own fuckin’ money shooting a commercial that they can put on fuckin’ TV and blast porn because that’s the kind of guy I am.”

“You’re like the coolest guy I ever met, Jimmy,” Gauge cooed somewhat sarcastically. “I just want to let you know that.”

Gauge also said things were straightened out between her and Metro and that she’d be signing at AEE this week. “We pretty much stood up for what we wanted and we both pretty much found a happy medium. They didn’t get all that they wanted. And I didn’t get all that I wanted. They did pay back the money that was owed to me.”

Wondering why Metro didn’t pay her at the time, Jimmy D suggested that Metro was “a bunch of cheap fucks like everyone else in this business. This is a fuckin’ business of nothing but cheap fucks. It isn’t just Metro. The only honest fuckin’ studio in town would be one called Cheap Fuck Productions. That would be honest.”

Among other things, Gauge reported now that she and Metro have come to terms they’re going to make ilovegauge.com a free site and combine it with xxxgauge.com and that she’ll be shooting a new series to be a spoof of The Simple Life with Pat Myne directing.

Gauge also said she’s going to try to round up some girls for a game of naked twister at AEE. “We’re going to be totally in the nude with baby oil all over us.”