New York- Hey, dad, when I grow up I want to be just like Jose Canseco. That’s easy, Jimmy. Just eat your Wheaties, say your prayers and take 1/2 cc of testosterone cypionate every three days; one cc of testosterone enanthate per week; and shoot equipoise and winstrol v, 1/4 cc every three days in your ass. Then you can title a book, “Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant ‘Roids, Smash Hits, and How Baseball Got Big” which takes longer to say than shoot your ass.
Today Jose Canseco, the father of steroids was on the Howard Stern Show. Canseco stands a towering 6’4″ and weighs around 250. He claims he’s not on the juice any more. “I don’t take illegal drugs.”
Stern also found interesting a comment Canseco makes in his book about being ugly. “You’re a good looking guy.” Canseco said that applied to his high school days and that you could do a TV reality show about his total transformation. Canseco says chicks didn’t dig him back then and he had the biggest crush on the lead cheerleader. For his part, Stern said he thought about doing steroids but always heard stories about your nuts getting smaller. “Mine are so small I can’t imagine where’d they go.” Stern then asked Canseco, politely, how his nuts were.
According to Canseco, he never said his nuts got smaller. “But it can happen if done improperly.” It was also noted that Canseco’s dick, if anything, got bigger. Canseco says steroids have nothing to do with the size of your dick. On hindsight, Stern thinks he should have done steroids. “I’m miniscule.” But it was Canseco’s opinion that unless you’re in sports, there’s no real use for steroids and wouldn’t recommend them just for looking good. Stern mused that if he got into a fight with a guy Canseco’s size, he’s getting his ass kicked.
Stern also imagined that Canseco was getting tons of crap for writing the book. To which Canseco said the climate is better now that people are realizing what he’s saying is the truth. “But are you throwing your buddies under the bus?” Stern asked.
Artie Lange was curious what Canseco’s motivation was- to clean up baseball or make money. “Be honest.” Canseco says his main objective was never to attack the players.”My main objective was to attack the Major League Baseball Players Association.” Canseco says the reason why he named names was to get players to come out and admit the truth. According to Canseco, the Players Association endorsed steroids and turned a blind eye to them. “And because they were benefiting from it financially.”
Canseco has stated that George Bush, when he was running the Texas Rangers at the time, knew of steroid use. “I think at the time everyone knew.” Stern was curious why Congress would even be addressing this issue. “The whole infrastructure of the country is falling apart. Terrorists can get in, the whole thing like that. I honest to God don’t care what baseball players do.” Canseco’s opinion is that it’s a social problem with so much pressure to succeed in sports, and a lot of wear and tear on the human body with the baseball schedule encompassing close to 200 games.
The advantage he experienced from taking steroids, says Canseco, was the ability to maintain his strength and stamina during the whole year. “Your recovery time improves.” Canseco noted that in the pre steroid era if you hit 30 home runs, you were a God. “Today if you hit 30 home runs you’re looking for a job. The competition is that stiff.” Asked to comment on Barry Bonds’ performance of the last five years, Canseco said it’s a combination of steroids and growth hormones. “If you analyze what a growth hormone really is, to me those combinations are definitely the fountain of youth. Just because an athlete is 40 years old, doesn’t mean anything.” Canseco said he’s 40 and can do the things a 25 year old can do.
Asked if the book was selling, Canseco says it’s been number the last three or four weeks. “This is like a national phenomenon what’s going on here. I really didn’t know how this book was going to influence not just baseball, but it’s influencing everyone in general.” Stern imagined that the players being named must be pissed.
“Mark McGwire must be on fire,” Robin Quivers thought. Stern asked Canseco mano e mano could he kick McGwire’s ass. Canseco replied that he was a black belt in three different categories. Artie asked about the guys whose lives must be in hell because of the book. “Is it just money you’re motivated by.” Canseco said it was the poorest excuse being offered, that he’s a multi-millionaire. Canseco said the same argument was being offered because he was selling his memorabilia; but that, in truth, between the book and the movie rights he’s going to be making about a hundred million. “But I’m still selling my memorabilia.” Canseco compared it to a relationship gone bad and the need to divest yourself of those trinkets and reminders. “You get rid of everything.” It was suggested that he might have regrets later on. Canseco didn’t think so.
“You really hate Major League Baseball although they made you rich,” said Stern. Canseco said he loves the game in its basic, fundamental form. “I hate the politics and I do have an issue with the owners and the Players Association for blackballing me from baseball.” Asked to explain, Canseco said in the beginning he was basically given a thumbs up to the steroids and was allowed to bring excitement to the game. “Then after awhile players came up to me and said what are you doing? I shared the secret with them in a private way.” When the steroid era started, the Players Association, according to Canseco, said we’re making a ton of money. “This is great- the game is number one again.”But things then got out of control, Canseo said. “The salary structure was getting out of control.” Canseco said he was told that a message needed to be sent to the players and that would be done by getting rid of him.
Stern took that to mean that the owners conspired against him. “No doubt,” Canseco agreed. “It was between the owners and the Players Association.” Canseco said he went to Donald Fehr to complain. “He basically ignored it.” That being said, it was suspected that Canseco wrote the book as revenge. Canseco said there was more to the book that it was an educational book about an athlete’s life. “My life in general, how the media has treated me.” Canseo also addresses domestic violence issues. Stern asked if it talked about Madonna. Canseco said nothing happened there but went on later to relate some stories.
“You turned her down because she was ugly?” asked Stern. “That she wasn’t good looking enough to marry.” Canseco simply said Madonna wasn’t his type. Artie said as a baseball fan he wants to hear about Canseco injecting Mark McGwire. Stern wondered if that wasn’t a bit gay. “You’d inject him in his buttocks? So he had to pull down his pants and you injected him.” Canseco said it was so common place back then it was ridiculous.
Stern wondered if there wasn’t a whole bunch of gay dudes in baseball. Canseco said if there were, he wasn’t aware of it. “Not even one.” According to Canseco, the only guy he saw being faithful to his wife, when opportunity presented itself, was Roger Clemens. “I was fascinated because in that era, there were so many women around. It was crazy. This man just turned them down left and right.” On the other hand, Canseco scored at will, according to Stern- Canseco’s first wife, Esther, being a former Miss Miami. Canseco admitted to cheating on her. “I’m not proud of it.”
Having “a body like a God,” Canseco said his options were almost ridiculous at the time. Asked if he could have done his 40-40 season without steroids, Canseco thinks now he couldn’t have. “I wasn’t the most genetically gifted individual. I had back problems. I remember one time just bending over and being paralyzed on the ground for half an hour. I’ve had four major back surgeries.” Canseco is saying he doesn’t endorse steroids and that they’re very dangerous for young kids. “If you’re going to do them you have to have some type of medical supervision.” But, at the same time, he says it’s better than going in a dark alley and using infected needles. “And steroids that are basically purchased in the black market. You don’t even know if they’re steroids or not.”
A caller-in asked Canseco why he didn’t name the names of his suppliers. Stern, answering for an obviously flustered Canseo, said probably because he didn’t want to be killed. Canseco said his gripe is no with the players but he needs some of them to come forward and admit he’s right. “I think eventually at least one player will come out.” Outside of Brady Anderson, no other players have called him, said Canseco. But Artie still couldn’t figure out for what purpose Canseco was making some peoples’ lives hell and dragging their names through the mud. “It’s a great goal I’m trying to achieve, so maybe you don’t mind me doing it to you.”
Canseco said none of these guys were buddies, more like acquaintances, and that he and McGwire weren’t really friends. “The media created this Bash Brother entity and tried to make us like we were related and hung out together all the time.” Canseco continued to emphasize that his attack is solely against Major League Baseball and the Players Association and that he was the only one to admit taking steroids.
A stat was thrown out noting that prior to 1995, only two men have hit 60 or more home runs; and since then, 14 have done it. Canseco was also asked about his house arrest. “That was an issue in a bar brawl,” he explained. It was also noted that fans would pay money to hang out with Canseco for a day. Canseco said it was never an issue about the money but something the fans themselves created. “How do we get to you?” Canseco said he had hundreds of people coming over to hang out for $2500 a pop. “And you had hot chicks and everything,” Stern noted.
Canseco said one individual wanted to pay $10,000 to sit with him at his dinner table. “He wanted me to wear what he wanted me to wear.” Stern imagined that to be a dress. “Like tight undershorts and a tight tank top,” Canseo replied. Stern suspected the guy was gay.
Canseco was chastised by Stern’s lawyer Dominic Barbera for bringing steroids into the game and being the reason for kids dying from them. “That’s the biggest thing among the teenagers today.” Barbera said Canseco was doing the book for the money. Canseco said Barbera’s contention that more kids were dying from steroids than cocaine was the most ignorant statement he’s ever heard. Someone named Irish John then called Canseco the Henry Hill of baseball. “I would put out a hit on this guy.” Irish John also quoted Mickey Mantle as saying that if he knew the 40-40 record were so significant, he would have stolen more bases.
Stern imagined that the toughest part for Canseco would be facing the guys he named in his book. Canseco said he’s testifying before Congress Thursday and they are subpoenaed to appear. “But Major League Baseball and The Players Association are completely responsible for this.” Another caller asked if Canseco smoked weed.
“I’m very, very anti-drug in that sense,” he says. “I don’t drink.” Asked if steroids contributed in any way to the bar brawl, Canseco said the girl he was with was attacked by a guy. “I went over to him and he came at me. I pushed him away in the shoulder. Then this gentleman’s buddy came to hit me. My brother got in the way and pushed him back to the bar area which was 20 feet away. Then they started scuffling. Then the gentleman who pushed off of me went to help his buddy. Now you have two on one against my brother, but my brother is also a martial arts expert.”
Stern then asked Canseco how he met Madonna. Canseco said he was playing in Arizona and she at the time was looking for a Cuban man to have a child with. According to Canseco, one of her representatives saw him at a spring training game. “I was being scouted as a breeder, I guess. Her agency got in touch with my agency.” Canseco was told Madonna wanted to meet him. “I would love to meet her.” Canseco said boning her was the farthest thing from his mind. “It’s an honor meeting her. I was very nervous.” At the time, Canseco was with the Oakland A’s. And on the day they flew in to play Anaheim his agent arranged a meeting at Madonna’s house. “I think it was in Hollywood somewhere.”
Canseco said he went to the house but noted that Madonna was wearing her hair in a very strange fashion so he didn’t recognize her at first. She was also wearing jeans.
“Being summoned to mate with Madonna is an amazing story,” said Stern. According to Canseco, Madonna then took him to her bedroom. “She said Jose, come here. I want to show you something.” She then showed him her film Truth Or Dare with the scene of her masturbating. Canseco said he was freaking out at this point. “I catch her in the corner of my eye looking at me.” Asked what he thought, Canseco told her it was fascinating. “We talked a little bit. She’s like interrogating me. This is cold and calculating.” By the time Canseco got to the ballpark with all the traffic, he was late and manager Tony LaRussa was pissed off to hear the story.
Madonna would then start calling Canseco at the ballpark. “Her code name was ‘M’ or Melissa. But everyone knew that it was her,” he said. “She called me almost every day.” Canseco saw her again in New York. “The next time I saw her we were scheduled to play the Yankees,” he said. “We flew into New York and that night we talked. She said won’t you come over to my apartment.” According to Canseco, the story going out was that Madonna thought Canseco was gorgeous. “He’s perfect for her.” Canseco said the problem was he was still in love with his first wife even though they were separated.
“I had no intentions with her [Madonna], sexually. None.” When Cansego got to Madonna’s apartment he took note of a black bodyguard about seven feet tall and 300 pounds. “Then there’s paparazzi behind me. People just taking pictures.” Canseco said he heard his name mentioned by someone. “We talk for two hours. She shows me her place. Now she shows me the childish side of her. It just changes incredibly. I liked that part of her. Her attitude relaxed and she was real normal.”
According to Canseco, Madfonna makes the first move. “You want to kiss me don’t you? This is in my book. I say no like an idiot. Then she comes on my lap and we make out.” Asked if he felt her up, Canseco said, no, that he doesn’t do that. “As I leave, now, the paparazzi that were there alerted more paparazzi.” Canseco says it was ridiculous as the numbers must have swelled to a thousand. “It was international news.”
Canseco’s wife called him the next morning. “New York knows. The whole nation knows.” During the game, Canseco had to be yanked because the fans were tossing things at him calling him Madonna’s bat boy. Artie, who was at that game, reminded him of an incident where one fan got on Canseco with Canseco threatening to hit him in the face with a bat. Artie said he was sitting next to the guy.