Burbank- This year it was pizzas instead of the Palomino Club. But that didn’t diminish the fact that the annual KSEX Listeners Choice Awards remains a little bit tacky and screwy but always a delectable event – although this year’s festivities were by invite only.
That’s because the 4th Annual LCA’s – as voted on by fans- were held in the studios at KSEX where space is a premium, alcohol poisoning’s a certainty, the Burbank police are imminent and toilet privileges are passed on in a will from generation to generation.
Leading this year’s polls in death threats, Lorrainiac [pictured left] took the big award of the evening which goes to the top KSEX peejay. Wankus, who appeared to be wearing the bottom half of his, did the casual play-by-play announcements on his Wednesday night show which also won an award for the fan favorite show.
Michelle Lay serves as co-host on Wednesday evenings, and Wankus never lets an opportunity ride to get on Lay’s case about her dangling tampons. And the show was no exception for Wankus to plant a few more digs.
Lay noted that she and Wankus have won that award two years in a row. KSEX’s Chris Rock, the presenter, made a sexual gesture towards Wankus who told him, thanks, but no Mac Turner shit for him. Wankus told Lay she hasn’t shown up in three weeks, that they should give the award to someone else. Lay laughed about it being two weeks and that she’d be out next week as well.
“They’re voting for the string,” Wankus ventured to say. “Every time we do a fucking show, Michelle has got her period. Just about- that’s how you got the name mouse tail Michelle.” Lay groused about not getting a trophy last year and thought maybe it was packed in a box somewhere at KSEX with a bunch of granny porn.
I then got to present Lorrainiac her award [and hold her beer] for Best Overall Porn Jock.
“I tell you why he’d [Ross] would be great because Gene Ross listens to KSEX faithfully,” Wankus said. “He listens to KSEX so much that he reports on it- he loves it. People have accused us of actually paying him off to do press for us and we don’t. He believes in KSEX. He loves KSEX and he wants to touch my feet [inside humor from an Adam Sandler movie].”
“I do love most of you,” Rainey said, accepting her award. She explained that comment.
Rainey, who’s been broadcasting 15 years, announced on her Tuesday night show, that there were several people in the KSEX chat room that were out to get her for reasons that still seem rather obscure. Something about her not really being in the porn business- a notion that’s almost as silly as the demand for a US president to be intelligent.
“Tonight’s my last night in radio,” Rainey declared, echoing the threat that had been made to her. “I will never be back because I got these fucking guys- I don’t do porn, I don’t suck dick- well, not for money unless you count the whopping twenty cents an hour I get here.” Because of the threats, Rainey noted that there was muscle, such as it was, in the KSEX building.
“With Powder out there working security, I feel fuckin’ safe,” she laughed. “Psycho fan A recruited Psycho fan B,C and D in the chatroom and every time they came in the chatroom they had to talk about this one person; and then he wrote on the Porn News Network- I believe it was- and all sorts of other things that I’m a horrible person and shouldn’t be in radio. Why am I on KSEX because I don’t do porn. So he was going to take my radio career down and he was going to destroy me.”
Wankus ventured to say the moment Rainey accepted a KSEX radio job, it was all over for her career, anyway.
“Every year I do this I’m frickin’ already like 20,000 Leagues under the fuckin’ bottle,” Rainey continued. “I’ve already drank myself out of my twelve packs and I’m drinking Coors Light as opposed to Miller Light. I need more beer.”
Minutes before, Wankus was explaining the importance of the Mike Rick Award, noting that Rick, the founder of KSEX and a major Internet innovator along with his brother Chris, died relatively young under a mysterious set of circumstances that have to be adequately accounted for.
“The speech I had to give at his funeral? I’ll never do that again,” Wankus said. “I couldn’t make it through it. Holding back her tears, Rainey told a story about when she first came to KSEX from the mainstream and Rick had the biggest doubts about how well her show was going to work.
“In three months time he said I don’t know exactly what the fuck you’re doing, but just keep on doing it.” Rainey said she misses Rick very much and it was a very sad day when he died. Wankus said although the KSEX partying may have tempered down, Rick was the cause of it in the beginning.
“Mike would stay with us all night long- he was- I’ll be right back and go out get a bunch of beers,” Wankus continued. “Then when he knew we wanted him to stay longer and party with us, he’d say, ah, let me get a couple of more beers. Then he would go home. He knew if he said he was going home we’d yell at him. Meanwhile his poor wife was at home waiting for him. He’s like calling her I’m going to another business meeting here.”
Wankus said Rick was a great guy and a hard worker. The Rick Award this year went to J. Soxxx Von Moore.
“Our unbelievable tech friend who never quits,” said Wankus. “Soxxx is a great guy who’s done nothing but support KSEX and all the people he’s worked for in the adult business. You can always count on him.” According to Wankus, Soxxx works his ass off for shitty money and never complains.
“Whether it’s KSEX or not, you’re always super supportive and awesome. You’re the best guy we know.” Mika Tan, another KSEX peejay, attempted a faux blowjob and Wankus laughed about how Soxxx always turns down porn girls because he’s dedicated to his woman and his job.
“If my woman saw that, I wouldn’t have a home to go to,” Soxxx laughed, noting that he went to a porn pool party one time and thought there was money in it
“One day I might see some of that.”
“What’s the sound of one-hand clapping?” Wankus asked, summing it all up as he made his intros at the beginning of the show which was being sponsored by www.pornstars.com . As opposed to a more formal venue, Wankus said he was happy the show was being presented in the studio and felt more in his element. “I can relax and fuck up- who cares? Like always.”
There was also supposed to be a new studio couch to grace the evening. If nothing else, KSEX got a free one out of the deal when the furniture guys delivered the wrong goods to the studio to replace the DNA-saturated sette that wears out every so often from the on-air shenanigans. When told they brought the wrong color couch, the furniture guys said, fuck it- keep the thing. They’ll bring another.
“Every year we like to award our hosts for what we call gas money,” Wankus told his audience, thus explaining the philosophy behind the event. Wankus noted that big name porn stars come to KSEX on a daily basis and that this was a fan-judged event, devoid of caucus where advertisers got your balls in a grip for the fix. “We don’t do none of that shit,” Wankus said.
The Favorite Porn Star award, which generally goes to Jenna Jameson, was won this year by Gauge. “The winner’s not a KSEX host,” Wankus explained. “They’re out of the KSEX family and doing their thing on film.”
Regan Anthony presented the award, and Gauge accepted via phone from Arkansas, proving that telecommunications have finally made it to the state. Jill Kelly, Vicky Vette, Tera Patrick and Jameson were runners-up in that order. And Gauge, www.ilovegauge.com was elated that she beat Jenna, noting that she was getting ready for Vegas.
The next award went to the peejay with the Best Insight into the Adult Business. Luke Ford from www.lukeisback.com presented it, and even put his tape recorder down for a minute to do so. You gotta love the way Ford interviews- a polite smile, a cordial bow of the head and repeats what you’ve just said- just like a Chinese waiter.
Kyle Ireland got the nod but wasn’t at the studio to accept the award; and Michelle Lay was the one to suggest Luke as a presenter.
“He has the least insight- I think that would be good,” she said. Of course, Lay’s credit rating will be posted all over the Internet Thursday but what the fuh…Carrying on like Sally Field, Ford thanked the industry on behalf of Ireland and Bryn Pryor. “We’d like the industry to come together and be united at this time of our distress,” Ford said.
The Show with Best On-Air Variety was won by the movie review program, The Porn Honies with Maria Menendez accepting. Menendez, who actually dolled-up for the occasion, extended particular thanks to everyone who sends her movies for free each week.
Mika Tan, whose show follows Wankus’ on Wednesdays, then got on air for a little chat. Tan has been doing the show a couple of months, and Wankus noted that she was in an automobile accident the other day. [The infamous KSEX curse].
“Careful- driving while Asian,” Wankus said. Tan, www.mikatan.com, joked about it being her fault because her eyes are slanted: “DWA,” Tan added, noting that she’d just signed up with LA Direct and they were working her like a dog.
“It’s a sweatshop over there,” Wankus agreed. Tan joked about there being a lot of mileage on her pussy, that she did two scenes Wednesday.
“I was scratching off dried cum on the way over,” she laughed.
Wankus then took pause to bring newcomer Taylor Hilton to the couch. Hilton’s from Colorado. She’s 20 and is originally from Coco Beach Florida where she was a cosmetologist. Hilton is with Exotic Star Models and has a website under construction. Wankus was trying to place Hilton’s look. Hilton said she’s heard Ginger Lynn especially with her hair crimped.
“That’s it – Melanie Griffith had sex with Ginger Lynn and they had a baby, and it was you!” Wankus roared. Hilton gave out the award for Best Radio voice which seemed like a foregone conclusion since it went to Wankus. Wankus said he always gets it from people wanting him to do his radio voice.
“I am.” Wankus said it’s like being a comedian. “Oh, you’re a comedian? Say something funny. I fuckin’ hate that shit.”
Taylor Wane, who arrived later with a busty blond girlfriend, was named Funniest Porn Jockey- probably because of her excessive on-air berates of Dick Nasty, her partner on The British Are Coming. Wane gave a belated speech and said KSEX could have at least provided a wooden stand for the award.
“But we got pizza in the back!” Wankus told her.
“That’s great,” Wane replied sarcastically. “But I could sit on it and you could eat it off my ass.”
Wankus suspected there’d be a lot of different flavors involved in that experience. Wane said she was so excited that she couldn’t believe she won something.
“You beat a lot of funny people,” Wankus informed her. Wane didn’t know what to say and Wankus chided her for not being funny-on-the-spot.
“I should have won,” he laughed. Wane suspected it was because Wankus was getting old and he took that to mean that fans were getting sick of him.
“My humor is just a little bit newer and my tits are cuter,” Wane suspected. “That’s probably why I won.” Wane told Wankus if this was his way of copping a blowjob off of her, he could go fuck himself.
“Alright- take your cock out,” Wane said on second thought. “We’ve established that with 15 years in porn, I’m easy.”
The Favorite Guest Award goes to someone other than a KSEX host. Another stipulation in winning is that they’d have to have been on the air at least once within the last year.
“The fans love to see this person and always enjoy their appearance,” Wankus explained. Katie Morgan announced the winner as Taryn Thomas. Wankus said Thomas, like Gauge, would have to be sent her award.
“We’re going to spend more money in postage than we did on the awards sending out these fucking things,” Wankus laughed.
Max Hardcore, Lexi Lamour, Chris Rock and Steven St. Croix were runners-up in the favorite guest category. Wankus explained that Rock was not to be confused with the comedian who’s black. “Come to think of it, he’s black, too!” Wankus laughed.
When St. Croix’s name was announced as recipient of the award for adult star fans wanted to see hosting a show, Wankus took the opportunity to announce that St. Croix and Mari Possa would be hosting a new show on KSEX in January. But Wankus wouldn’t speculate who was being fired to allow for the opening in the time slot.
The Favorite Hummers on Film award is best remembered for the time Gauge won it two years ago, asking, “What’s a Hummer?”
“This is the KSEX radio host who works on camera and sucks the best cock,” Wankus explained, mentioning that 30 girls were in that category. Although she was one of them, Dee gave out the award which was won by Mika Tan.
“I can’t say I’m the Susan Lucci of porn anymore,” said Tan who won her first award after eight years being in the business. Tan went on to say that she enjoys sucking anything that’s phallic. Wankus said he noticed that when she went down on a microphone earlier.
The Favorite KSEX host to watch having sex on film award went to Tyler Faith. “Best what?” Faith asked. Wankus thanked her for paying attention to the show.
“You do a good scene,” Wankus acknowledged.
“I know,” said Faith.
Stormy Daniels was acknowledged as being the Sexiest KSEX Babe. Mike Moz was named The Best Looking Male Porn Jockey; and Katie Morgan won for having the Best Porn Jockey Body.
The winner of the prestigious KSEX award for Most Sick and Twisted Porn Jockey went to Dangerous Dick who co-hosts a Tuesday and Thursday show along with Dee and Skibba. It was mentioned that Dick was getting a booty call and wasn’t there to accept the award.
“I said to Dee if Dick didn’t win this, there’s something definitely wrong,” Skibba said, accepting the award for him.
“The guy has smoked shit- he’s smoked human feces. He got hustled out of 60 bucks in a beef kabob in Times Square- a guy sold him shit that he said was hash. He [Dick] smoked it. It was catnip. A lot of his stories involve fecal matter- let’s just put it that way and meeting girls in strange locations. He’s turned it into an art form. Dee and I have listened to him for an entire year about how he doesn’t get any blowjobs around her. Now here’s about 50 of the hottest porn stars in the world and where is he? He’s in San Diego getting laid.”
Wankus assumed it was probably some ugly bitch. Dee said they’ll find out Thursday and Skibba re-emphasized that Dick was probably more sick and twisted than the entire porn community put together.