The late John Holmes was to acting what the late Christopher Reeve was, in the last years of his life, to figure skating. Holmes certainly carried the magnificent lumber in his pants but when it came to emoting, John delivered his lines as though they were tree trunks. And in Liquid Lipps, the sequel to Tell Them Johnny Wadd Is Here, Holmes delivers the entire sawmill.

Lipps, which is, as you’d expect, a Holmes sexual showcase devoted to the wonders of his penis, picks up the story after Holmes’ P.I. character has it out with the drug dealing bad guys in Mexico who’ve knocked off his pal, Sam Kelly. But the fact that bad guys central is established in San Francisco, has you scratching your head when their leader Tony Sorrento [Mike Weldon]- not the swiftest drug lord, you’ll note- obsesses why Holmes is in his neck of the words.

Let’s take a wild guess. Maybe it has something to do with putting Sorrento and his effeminate-looking stooge Augie Valentine [Vernon von Bergdorfe wearing a blond page boy] out of commission. But even for a mellowed out assassin, Holmes’ unparalleled nonchalance is quite out of character, one would think, with the pressing mission at hand. To get the job done, drug enforcement has set Holmes up with a new partner named Charlie Hammond [Monique Starr], except Holmes thinks it’s a guy, only to learn after getting her pants off in his hotel room that the first name is spelled differently.

In one amusing exchange, Holmes asks his new partner if the feds will compensate him for a hooker [Melba Bruce] who Holmes claims arrived at his room by accident. [Actually Sorrento sent her to get info.] Charlie informs Holmes that he’ll need a receipt before he even entertains the notion. That bit of haggling going nowhere, now it’s Johnny and Charlie’s job to convince Sorrento [not a real difficult task] that they’ve turned bad and want to make a deal for the white powder that Holmes confiscated in Mexico.

Actually, this interpretation may make the whole plot sound way more intelligent than it actually is. But, rest assured, much of the charm of the Wadd series is its unbridled nonsense, droll lines and stilted action sequences- like Holmes taking a time-consuming drive through the winding Bay city with no punch line in his destination.

And then you’re going to love the moment when a bewildered-looking federal agent [John Seeman] is held prisoner by Augie, tortured by striptease, shot full of smack and then fucked to death by wicked Wanda [Enjil von Bergdorfe].

As ludicrous as this situation is, Holmes’ bout of Wadd-fu in a parking lot with arch enemy Frankie [director Bob Chinn in an ongoing cameo throughout the series] will have you out on a stretcher from holding your sides.

This gem of priceless adult entertainment is brought to you by Arrow Productions.