Porn Valley- If you deal with Nicole London you will get fucked. It’s as inevitable as the cold fingers of death gripping your throat and the penis of the damned unloading in your mouth. I’ve been spending this past week talking to people who’ve been there in the crypt and know the haunting specter of Nicole London leaning over the coffin rim making vague promises of money. There’s always a story, they tell me. And it’s generally the stories London tells you explaining why the check never got there.

I spoke to Jason Sechrest, www.jasoncurious.com today. The check never got to Jason, either, when Jason was taken on to handle p.r. for London’s company Outhouse, er, Outback Productions- a name now synonymous with The Grim Reaper.

“I’ve had so many p.r. clients that have been more hassle than what they were worth,” says Jason. “When somebody else takes them on it’s like I’m warning you as a friend. She’s quite a number, little Nicole London. I remember when she used to ring me up and tell me all these stories about how HUGE her company was going to be. And how this was the biggest thing since Vivid. Her fervent stories of the grandeur of this company was just a little much for me to swallow. But I was, like, I’ll listen to your bullshit.”

“You were still dealing with her when she had this guy Jay Andrews as a partner, I take it.”

“I think, maybe,” Jason replies.

“He was an Australian guy. In fact that’s why they called the company Outback,” I say to Jason.

“That’s right. I was dealing with her when that was going on,” Jason replies.

“Then, somehow, he disappeared from the picture. I would love to know what the disappearing act was all about. Andrews vanishes from the scene in January. Everything was good up until the end last December. I was on a shoot where they were doing something, presumably, a rockumentary fast ticketed for HBO or something like that.”

“Oh my god,” says Jason. “That’s right around the time that she stopped returning my calls because the checks were never coming.”

“There you go- that was the time I got a bounced check from her,” I say.

“Lovely,” says Jason. “Every day I got the same old story- the check is in the mail. Oh, you haven’t gotten your check yet? And she was always so genuinely astonished.”

“That she was surrounded by assassins,” I say.

“Yes,” says Jason. “She really couldn’t believe that that check hadn’t gotten there yet. And it had been months. Eventually it got to the point where I had done very little work on it because I don’t work unless I’m paid in advance. I had just done enough work to get a few people interested in it in saying that they were interested in doing a story on the company. I had these guys on hold- hey, I’ve got these companies, and these magazines and websites interested in doing these stories but I really need to get that check to move forward with this. And it went on, literally, for two months until I started badgering her. It was like every day I would call her. Every day and leave a message: check’s not here! When are you going to call me back? And the bitch never called back.”

“Of course,” said I. “Same m.o. that I went through.”

“You can smell bullshit a mile away,” said Jason.

“Nicole London owns the bullring,” I said. “I had my own approach to how I was going to tackle this project. I’ve only been in p.r. for 40 years what the fuck do I know. Everything was going good until I went on this shoot and she was already late with the money. She was going to square up on the shoot but every time I got near her she would always find a way to get preoccupied. Finally I got her in a corner and she writes me out something real quick. Sure as shit it bounces. I go to her when it bounces, and the astonishment on her. She can’t believe this. She did make good on it but I was relentless with it. Then she literally disappeared. Her phone was disconnected….”

“That’s exactly what happened to me,” says Jason. “At first she wasn’t returning the phone calls. Finally the phone was disconnected. I had forgotten about that completely.”

“Then out of the clear blue she shows up in April of this year. She’s got a new money guy [Thomas Belvedere],” I say. “Of course I’m getting the revitalized bullshit story about how they’re going to the next level. And she blamed it all on Jay Andrews. Whatever it was, it was Jay Andrews’ fault.”

“She’s always the victim,” states Jason. “I remember when I first met her. All the shit that was going down with her ex-husband. Her taking him to court and something about a gun. There’s always a gun in a Nicole London story.”

“Did she envelop you in her website fiasco?”

“She would constantly make herself out to be the victim,” Jason replied. “It was a slew of different situations. And I wasn’t listening to it. I think every conversation that we had on the phone, she would ramble and it would go in one ear and out the other. All I remember is ex-husband, court and gun. Those were the three things that I remember.”

“And it’s either Peoples’ Court or a real one,” I reply.

“She was always in court,” Jason remembers. “She couldn’t send a check because of a court date.”

Asked if he had any other Nicole Londons in his circular file, Jason said, “I don’t think there ever could be another Nicole London. She was the master.” Albeit, he says, Jason McCain came real close. “In fact that’s where I learned my lesson about getting paid in advance. Jason was hell to track down for awhile when he was going through his problems and issues. We worked through it eventually and became friends again. But he really, really fucked me over as far as money was concerned. He eventually made good on it but it was a good six, seven months.