Porn Valley- Call time was 9 am Saturday and the first sex scene of the day wrapped up about 4. But Mary Carey was betting that the shoot would be done by 9 pm. Her crew’s looking at her like, yeah, sure.

It’s Carey’s directorial debut, but she’s not debuting confidence. She’s always had that as she takes the helm of Kick Ass Pictures first girl-girl movie, Mary Carey Rules 3. As usual, Carey’s a fountain of information and gossip. She relates an episode about how, when she was 18, her then- boyfriend, a drug dealer, chopped off all her hair when he discovered that she was sneaking off to see another guy under the pretext of going to the gym. “That’s why I wear hair extensions now,” says Carey who goes to the same guy that does Pam Anderson. Carey gives everyone a close-up look see of the handiwork. It’s suggested that Carey, at 23, might have enough conversational material to write a book. She claims she’s got such a deal in place. “After all, how many people have two retards for parents?” she asked. She’s got a point.

Carey’s also spilling the beans about an imminent contract with High Society that will bring her, Belladonna and Hannah Harper on board in editorial capacities. Then there’s a move afoot to bring aboard another Kick Ass contract girl- a brunette who’ll serve as the polar opposite to Carey. Carey also mentions that she’s on the cover of a hip-hop publication, YRB for Yellow Rat Bastard.

Carey: It’s a hip-hop culture magazine which I’m definitely part of that culture because I like Eminem. No seriously. I like Eminem and he likes me back. But that’s something I can’t expose yet. I’m saving it until everything happens. He saw me on Celebrities Uncensored. That’s all I can say. [Carey introduces everyone to Ricky, the producer of the Celebrities Uncensored Show.]

Gene: Besides today, you were also shooting this past Monday.

Carey: Yeah, and oh God we had so much go wrong too. We did a spoof of Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie. It was a spoof of The Simple Life. I was playing a character named London. It was very funny This character named Vicky had sex with a farm girl. Fallon Summers who was in Run Marey Run and Club Carey, had sex with Mikala, a new girl who does girl-girl only. She plays a farm girl. Then in another scene I was Judge Mary. Olivia Saint played Little Baby Saint, a white rapper. She got in trouble…

Gene: For rapping genitalia?

Carey: Little Baby Saint raped a girl in the butt. But we won’t say rape because that’s a bad word. She fucked a girl in the ass, so she’s on trial and I was the judge. I found her guilty and made her get fucked in the ass by Holly Stevens.

Gene: In the scene you just wrapped up…

Carey: I was Miss Carey and we had Brianna as a student. She’s super hot. But Brianna gets a F on her paper about the gubernatorial elections. There’s other students in the class who were all dismissed. They were writing a paper about the elections but what Brianna did wrong she only talked about the real candidates. She forgot about the fringe candidates like Mary Carey Cook and Gary Coleman, Larry Flynt. She was reprimanded and in order to get an A, she had to have sex with me. She was very good and is now valedictorian. Next is a scene with me and Ashley Blue the AVN Performer of the Year. We’re these bad guys who are going to take advantage of August who’s this good girl. To make her a bad girl and be cool, she has to have sex with us. And we’re going to fuck Ashley in the ass. [Carey tells me a heartwarming story about how Ashley Blue taught her how to douche.] For the last scene, we have Brandi Lyons and Haley who are white rappers. I have a thing for white rappers as you can tell.

Gene: White rap occupies at least three hours of my listening day.

[Carey mentions something about having her AIDs test being faxed over by AIM]

Carey: But I do think they need to do testing every five days. Every 30 days there’s definitely room for error. But it’s girl-girl so it’s pretty safe. I love girl-girl. It’s more fun.

Gene: So you’re directing now.

Carey: I wrote the script. I came up with the scenarios.

[I digress and accidentally bump into Carey’s tits which is not a difficult thing to do. Mary digresses to display her quads and calves. As quads and calves go, they’re in pretty good shape.]

Carey: But you’ve been mean to me lately. I’ve been a little sad.

Gene: In what way have I been mean to you?

Carey: You said, what did you say… oh, Mary Carey, but I’m not going to even talk about the websites cause I don’t talk to any other gossip sites because they’re all mean to me. Everyone’s mean to Mary Carey. It’s like national be mean to Mary Carey year. But, for gossip, I’m doing a pilot. John Tesh is in it. It’s like a big mainstream-thing. My part’s very tiny. It’s like two minutes but what happens it’s this guy who’s a writer, he moves to Van Nuys. It flashes to his next door neighbor- which is me- playing Cinnamon. I come out the door and he’s like, hi Cinnamon. And I’m like, hey. I’m smoking a cigarette. I’ve got my cat. He asks me if I’m working. At the end of the show you hear me going, oh, yeah, and you hear the director go cut. The whole story is that he’s a writer for a sitcom. He’s from Oklahoma. He’s moved to Van Nuys. It’s a TV show. They’re shooting it like Curb Your Enthusiasm. It’s on two- cameras with improv. They heard I was good at improv.

Gene: Where are they looking to air this?

Carey: Showtime or HBO. I’m excited about this. I just did a mainstream movie. It’s called Lost in Transit. I have a small part in that.

Gene: There’s another mainstream movie you’re in…Sexy Movie.

Carey: I did Sexy Movie and Sapphire Girls and they’re both in Blockbuster. Sexy Movie was for Playboy’s Indigo Productions and Tower Records. I’ve also done something for VH-1. I was on VH-1’s All Access Makeout Moments where I talk about making out. They’ve been using Jenna Jameson a lot, but they’re going to bring me in, too.

Gene: If anyone’s tits should have been shown during the Super Bowl, it’s yours.

Carey: I think it’s cool that she did that. Seriously, she’s showing her boob during primetime television which is going to make everything more mainstream for all of us. Janet Jackson is basically like a softcore porn star, now. Everything’s becoming more mainstream. You see Jenna Jameson commenting on stuff all the time. And the E! Channel survives on porn stars. Howard Stern…

Gene: If anyone’s going to make the mainstream break it’s you.

Carey: Hopefully with this TV show. And I’m going through a lawsuit right now. I need to warn girls about my old webmaster. Before I ran for governor we had a 50-50 deal. I didn’t no any better. He wasn’t promoting my site. But when I ran for governor I switched webmasters. I guess he saw that I was running for governor and figured I was making millions of dollars which I didn’t. He decided to sue me. But in August and September I was only making $16,000. The reason I left him was because he wasn’t updating properly. I had a friends selection, and he was supposed to contact my friends from the 1980’s. The site wasn’t designed properly. It was slow. It didn’t work on dial-up. That’s why I left him. Now he’s suing me.

Gene: Which site was this?

Carey: MaryCarey.com the site I have now. Johnny Best is the one suing me and he’s representing himself. I think he had one other girl’s site. I don’t want to say her name. But the girl also hates me. I find it kind of ironic that the girl who hates me, her webmaster’s suing me. I won’t say her name because I won’t give her publicity. I never knew about this girl until she started saying mean things about me. Now I have a good webmaster. She’s Joanne from Manic Design. She does Tanya Danielle, Allison Chaynes…

Gene: Everybody I talk to has webmaster horror stories.

Carey: I know. I’ve already spent $25,000 on legal fees. The trial’s in June. It makes me sick. He’s trying to say he owns pictures of me. My husband took the pictures of me. It’s my naked body. But he was supposed to color correct them. He’s saying he owns the pictures of me that he color-corrected. Wait a minute. My naked body, my husband’s taking them and you own them? It’s not fair. My new webmaster, I pay her a salary.