Porn Valley- I’m on a Hustler set Monday afternoon at the LFP Studios, and director Anton Slayer’s shooting a Gilligan’s Island spoof.

The cluster of realistic sets look like various covers from old Les Baxter Tiki lounge albums. The only thing missing are jungle drums, macaws and dancing girls in skimpy sarongs. Someone’s pulled a commando raid on Pier One imports, it looks like.

The show’s titled This Ain’t Gilligan’s Island XXX. The title’s reminiscent of something Will Ryder might do, but Slayer no way would be mistaken for Ryder. At least, physically.

But Anthony Rosano, who’s playing Gilligan, looks so much like Bob Denver in that goofy, floppy white sailor cap that the whole thing seems more creepy than satirical. The last time I ran into Rosano was three years ago when he was buried deep in the ass of Avy Scott on a Tom Zupko shoot. And that was pretty impressive. Not just Rosano, but the entire Gilligan casting is really impeccable.

Which, of course reminds me of the time back in the day when the late uncle Milt Ingley shot a Gilligan’s Island parody on the cheap in a Brooklyn studio.

On the cheap, meaning, the set was something like a beach ball, palm tree and a kid’s wading pool because Ingley was notorious for shooting on the stingiest porn budgets around. And he bragged about it. The real humor was not the script, but in the fact that there was a restaurant in Coney Island called Gillie’s Island. Much later Cash Markman wrote and directed another Gilligan spoof called Ginger’s Island. Bringing the Gilligan cycle complete was the fact that Ingley played the skipper in Markman’s feature.

I’m telling this story or trying to tell this story, and I’m getting looks from people who evidently never heard of Ingley, and are staring as if I’m relating this story wearing a pair of jockey shorts and combat boots.

Which essentially describes the outfit Evan Stone’s got on. Only his shorts are black. And, get this. Stone’s playing a porn star in Slayer’s feature. I ask Stone if cyclist Lance Armstrong e-mailed him concerning a trademark violation. If you discount the combat boots, Stone looks like he just completed the Tour De France. His pants are provocatively tight, like a grand marshal’s at the Gay Pride parade. And there’s talk that he’s wearing a cod piece to accentuate his balls. In some religious circles, Stone’s balls are looked upon as gods.

Stone’s job today is to basically eat bananas and flirt with porn chick Regan Reese in the story.

The idea is that this porn company, headed by Director Rob Naughty [PM Jason Silver], who reminds you of a two-story building wearing a Hawaiian shirt, lands cast and crew on the island where the Gilligan people got marooned. Which was 6 years, 4 months, 2 weeks, 6 days and 17 hours to be exact. In 1963, according to The Professor who’s played by Jack Lawrence.

If you were to pick a character who can be intellectually annoying and physically perfect for the role in all other respects as well, it’s probably Lawrence. Lawrence with a beaming tan is stylishly coiffed and reminds you of Russell Johnson who played the part in the TV series.

Even Lawrence, who dispenses factoids out of his ass at an amazing clip, concedes that he can be an encyclopedia of somewhat useless information. For instance, Lawrence is relating where this one palm tree from the original Gilligan’s Island wound up. Apparently someone’s office. And that the Minnow- the boat- now resides in Pearl Harbor. The Minnow which Slayer is using is about the size of Verne Troyer’s yacht. But the illusion of angle and lighting makes it work on the monitor.

Unrelated to obscure Gilligan’s Island artifacts, Lawrence claims he makes out like a bandit with women at the local Trader Joes.

It could also be for the fact, too, that Lawrence just ditched his “pussy” Jaguar for pure machismo – a 1965 blue and white Shelby Daytona Coupe’. Lawrence is describing in minute detail for Stone, the things he’s adding to it which began with air conditioning.

“I like to drill holes and pop rivets,” Lawrence is explaining.

“You don’t have a small penis, why did you buy a car like that?” Stone’s asking him. Next, he informs Lawrence that he was cast, originally, as The Professor.

Lawrence gives Stone the equivalent of a your mother wears combat boots remark which may be true in the current situation.

“Oh yeah? When the show’s over I’ll see you outside,” Stone remarks.

“Maybe I should leave real fast, five minutes before everyone else does,” Lawrence suggests, chuckling.

The day before was, according to Lawrence, the best day he ever had in porn. Though to hear Lawrence describe it, someone was trying to drill HIM full of holes.

That’s because Lawrence and Tommy Gunn starred in this war movie, Hearts and Minds Part 2 for New Sensations and, on a set that was a stand in for Iraq, he and Gunn were dodging FX bullets, mortars and dust pellets in the thick of a hot afternoon. Lawrence describes the fact that his body was just soaking up liquids all day and that, because of the heat, he didn’t need to go the bathroom. Lawrence was also joking about selling his sweaty T-shirt from the movie on eBay.

But Lawrence has endured worse conditions. He recalls the time that he auditioned for a sham Hollywood director named Wayne Heyman-Hanks, who used the HBO mini series “Rome” to scam loads of guys, like Lawrence, into posing in gladiator briefs and growing their public hair under the pretext of a part. Lawrence said he was promised $1700 a day by Hanks and booked for six weeks in a project that failed to materialize. Which, of course, cost Lawrence a load of porn work.

“He told me I as going to be famous,” Lawrence recalls.

I remember getting irate calls from Hanks after my interview with Lawrence. Hanks claimed that he was going to sue me, that the original LA Times article had been false and slanderous and that they had printed a retraction. Turns out, the LA Times did no such thing and Hanks was full of shit. Particularly funny was the fact that Hanks told Annie Cruz, who was married to Lawrence at the time, that she could also have a part in the series.

“They had Filipinos in Rome,” Hanks tried to convince her.

Rod Fontana, who plays the skipper, had issues as well- but involving the NY Times and a female reporter. According to Fontana, an article that quoted him in the Times saying he was retiring from porn was about 80% false and that the reporter had been fired for writing it.

“I don’t know where she got her information,” says Fontana who first met the reporter on a set where she was writing a piece about the graying of porn with much of the focus on De’Bella. Fontana claims that the Times printed a retraction about a week later.

But Fontana also says the part in the story about him studying for the priesthood in the Episcopal Church was right. But that’s about it.

“I never said I was retiring,” states Fontana who, too, lost a lot of work because of that article. According to Fontana, he’s a good two years from completing his studies for the ministry.

“Eventually I’ll retire and be a minister somewhere,” he adds.

But first, Fontana has to get the people off the damn island. Penny Flame was going to play Mary Ann, but she’s been bumped for Sindee Jennings. And that’s because Flame’s AIM test wasn’t up to date. Ryder Skye plays Ginger, and she’s dyed her hair flaming red.

“I like the color,” director Slayer tells her. “My first wife was a redhead.”