Milwaukee [JS Online]- Jimmy cracked porn, and man do we care.
People can’t get enough of this story of the swashbuckling James Van Iveren, who thought he was stopping a rape when he armed himself with a sword and burst into his neighbor’s apartment.
Turns out he had heard an adult movie being enjoyed by the guy upstairs, Bret Stieghorst.
That’s a better plot than you’re ever going to see in an X-rated video, or so I’ve heard.
It was Zorro vs. porno, and Zorro lost.
81328Would-Be Rescuer
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James Van Iveren, charged with three criminal counts
Recent Coverage
2/22/07: Swordsman’s claim disputed
2/22/07: TMJ4 Video: Man Attacked with Sword While Watching Porn
2/21/07: Man mistakes porn DVD as woman’s cries for help
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Van Iveren, 39, of Oconomowoc, is charged with trespassing, damaging property by kicking in the door and disorderly conduct, all while armed with a dangerous weapon: a 39-inch sword he got from his dad.
For sheer entertainment value, about the only way to improve this story is if Sir Lancelot were wearing a diaper and drove 900 miles to catch his neighbor watching porn. What’s amazing to me is that both Van Iveren and Stieghorst have discussed this embarrassing episode with the media.
Stieghorst, 33, the cheeriest crime victim you ever saw, invited at least one television crew into his apartment. He let them take close-ups of the television and speakers he uses to watch DVDs like the one in question, “Casa de Culo.” That’s right, he speaks porn as a second language.
“I only bought it for the hot chicks,” Stieghorst told a Journal Sentinel reporter who passed that quote along to half a million readers.
Times must be changing. I thought at least a modicum of shame was part of the appeal of porn. In his defense, it was adult porn and he wasn’t watching at work.
Stieghorst said he’s not going to let one medieval attack in his living room interfere with his viewing choices, though he might buy some headphones.
For a while there, people were lining up to give Van Iveren a medal for trying to stop a possible rape with a rapier. But we still haven’t heard an explanation of why he waited nine hours to unsheathe his weapon. The dueling came long after the drooling.
According to Stieghorst, the movie ended at 2:30 a.m. and the rescuer didn’t show up until 11:30 a.m., demanding to know where he was hiding the woman.
And the police, after a careful viewing of the evidence, did detect some female screaming in the motion picture but found that the sex appeared to be consensual.
As much as any porn that exploits vulnerable and coked-up young women can be consensual.
It’s fortunate that Stieghorst wasn’t watching “War of the Worlds.” Van Iveren might have shown up with the cavalry.
When he broke into Stieghorst’s place, Van Iveren probably didn’t know whether to run him in or run him through.
He managed to cede the moral high ground to a guy watching porn. It’s possible he misunderstood the adage – it’s “Fences make good neighbors,” not fencing.
Van Iveren shouldn’t get any prison time, though at least there he could try to stop some real rapes. I’m thinking community service at an adult video store where he could learn the difference between a damsel in distress and that faked female pleasure in porn.
Let’s chip in and buy him a phone so he can call police when he witnesses a supposed crime.
We don’t need any more proof that the porn is mightier than the sword.