Did everyone enjoy the XBIZ Awards Friday night?

I know the big topic was Jenna and whether she was gonna be fucked up or not. I hear she was. No real surprise there. I mean, seriously did you expect anything different? You think she does a CNN interview all pilled out, but she decides for the XBIZ Awards she’s gonna do it sober? Please.

She’s gonna be like, “Yeah, it’s great to be here at the second rate awards show.” Because as much as I like to bust AVN’s balls, they are still the top dog when it comes to the porn awards. XBIZ is the second banana johnny-come-lately alternative. They still have a long way to go before AVN is knocked out of the top spot. I mean, Alec Helmy is the boss. Need I say more? Remember, he’s the guy who’s trying to sue me for an ad bill that Frank Koretsky owes for a movie he stole from me. But that’s another story and I’ve covered it already.

I also have a whole other story about the Jenna Jameson situation that we’ll cover later. Right now I want to talk about someone else. Someone who has really stepped up and made me take notice. That man is Will Ryder.

I gotta tell ya, as far as the porn industry goes, I think Will Ryder is the real king of the block now. I’m being honest.

Here’s the thing. You know I’m not a real big fan of the awards shows and all of that. But I was at Katie’s the other night and she was going through movies and stuff to sell on her website. I noticed one of the movies that she did for Will, a parody of South Park. I never knew she did that. I said, “Let me look at this fuckin thing.”

So I popped it in and looked at it. And you what? It was all right. I asked Katie about it. She said they shot the movie in like a 24 hour marathon. I said, “You did this whole movie in one day?” She goes, “Yeah.” I said, “This is a pretty good fuckin movie.” Especially for one day. I mean, most movies shot in a day are the drizzling shits.

I asked her, “What other movies do you have over here?” She showed me The Wizard of Oz. That was the one I heard everyone talking about at the awards show. That was the one that had all the nominations and was gonna win the awards. Now, I’ll admit I haven’t really seen anything Will’s ever done before. But I gotta tell ya, I put it in and it was pretty fuckin good. It really was. No bullshit. You know me, I don’t give a fuck. I’ll shit all over something if it sucks. I almost hate to admit it, but this fuckin movie was pretty fuckin good.

So when the XBIZ Awards happened, I expected Wizard of Oz to clean up. I know Will won Best Director at AVN for it. James Bartholet ended up winning Best Non Sex at XBIZ. But I was asking about whether Wizard won any other awards, and somebody said that Grease won the awards.

I said, “Grease? The Axel movie?” They said, “No, you’re wrong. That’s a Will Ryder movie.” I said, “Well, why did Axel talk about it in his press release?” They said, “It was the music thing that Axel won. Will Ryder did Grease. He took it off of Axel’s hands. Axel dropped the ball.” I go, “Really?”

I guess Axel was going to do the movie, but he only ended up getting the music done. I think they said he dropped about 30K. I never knew porn music cost that much. But nonetheless, Axel got the music done but never did the movie. Axel got his Wicked deal and told everybody to go fuck their mothers.

Will took it over and re-casted it, reformatted it and re-wrote the script. He basically did everything top to bottom. And this movie fucking cleaned up at the awards, both AVN and XBIZ. If a movie takes the top prize at both stupid award shows, that means it was pretty much a unanimous opinion that it was a great fuckin movie.

I got a copy of Grease and I watched it. Again, I gotta tell ya, pretty fuckin good. Now when do I pay compliments to anybody, ladies and gentlemen?

So far I’ve watched South Park, Wizard of Oz and Grease. And here’s another one I didn’t know he did. Charlie’s Angels. See, Katie had all of these. She was in South Park, and I guess Will likes to hand out his movies to people, so he gave her these fuckin things. Good thing, too. Because who knows if I would have checked them out otherwise?

I gotta state here and now. Right now, I consider Will Ryder the big time parody director. I don’t know why Axel Braun is getting all of these accolades now. I’m looking at these Will Ryder movies and they were all done recently. They’re recent, they’re relevant. These aren’t movies that were done fuckin two years ago, like Ironman. There weren’t done a year and a half ago. These are new movies that people are buying now.

I was duped into believing that Grease was an Axel Braun movie and I feel kinda shitty. Grease isn’t an Axel Braun movie. Grease is a Will Ryder movie. Jeff Mullen/Will Ryder did this movie top to bottom. Axel only did the music. He took 30K and probably spent 2 on the music and pocketed the rest because he has a wife, kid and Bentley payments.

Will started the whole parody thing with that stupid Brady movie. I think that was in 09. Katie had that one, too. So I said, “Alright, I’ll watch this one, too.” I threw it in and the fuckin thing was funny as fuck. The set actually looks like the stupid TV show. And I said, “Why the fuck does everybody talk about Axel Braun?”

I know this is gonna trip everybody out, but I gotta say Will Ryder is the fuckin king again. I never knew that the cocksucker made all of these movies. So you know what? Fuck Axel and his quid pro quo. I got a new quid pro quo with Will Ryder.

Listen Will Ryder, you cocksucker. I got an old decrepit fuck in the other room. Tom Byron, who actually reminded me that he did a movie for Will called Animal House. He played Dean Wormer and got nominated for it. I feel bad that I’m outta the loop with all theses epic movies that Will Ryder made.

So Will Ryder, I gotta give you props. You did a phenomenal job on this fuckin movie Grease. You did a phenomenal job with Wizard of Oz. I gotta wonder what would happen if somebody gave you a big chunk of money to go out and do a super hero parody like Axel would do? I’m telling ya, I’m highly impressed right now.

These movies that I watched were awesome and you really deserved all the awards you got from them. Again, I didn’t know about Tom Byron doing Animal House for you. If you use Tom Byron again, you’re gonna get some serious quid pro quo from The Rob Black Show.

Why is Axel getting all of these big movies when all he’s doing now is blow bang movies with Riley Steele? I’m pretty confused about what’s going on with the adult business right now. He’s doing Riley Steele gang bangs and getting 100 thousand dollar budgets. Will Ryder’s over here picking up the pieces that Axel Braun breaks and making epic movies like Grease.

Will Ryder, my hat’s off to you, ya cocksucker. All you company owners need to start giving your big budgets to Will. He’s really fuckin talented. He’s almost as good as Rob Black. Not quite as good, but who is?

You know what? I’m gonna say right now that Will Ryder is better than Axel Braun. There, I said it. Yes, I did. Will Ryder is better than Axel Braun. I’m thoroughly impressed. Because Will Ryder is consistently making good movies. I didn’t realize he was doing that. I thought he was still resting on the laurels of the Brady thing. I just assumed Axel Braun was the one banging out all of these epic movies because he gets all the press and accolades.

But Axel Braun is the one who’s sitting there and getting fatter and fatter like fuckin Orson Welles and Will Ryder’s out there consistently making these great movies.

So Will Ryder, congratulations on the well deserved XBIZ and AVN awards. If you got a role for Tom Byron, put him in there. Katie Summers said she had a great time working for you. She’s not really doing anything in the business anymore, but if you had a project that was right she would love to work for you again. You got two crew members of The Rob Black Show saying that they would work for you and you’re a great director.

Will Ryder is the new king of the world. You’re James Cameron, motherfucker! You’re the James Cameron of the fuckin business right now.

You can throw your arms up right now and say, “I’m the king of the world!”

Will Ryder is the king of the porn world.

And that’s the bottom line, cuz Rob Black sez so.

Seriously, congrats. Really good work.

Follow Rob Black on Twitter @RealRobBlack Email: [email protected]