Porn Valley- Seth Dickens who landed an atomic blast on Michelle Lay’s face only hours earlier, literally stepped in at the eleventh hour Wednesday night to save a Tom Zupko shoot. Vanilla Skye, www.amatalent.com, was scheduled to do an anal scene because she had made a deal with Zupko to shoot her pretty girls the day before, run to Vegas, get back, and on three hours sleep take it up the ass from Mr. Marcus. Marcus was ready and willing but Skye looked into the abyss and flinched. And the abyss was about ready to grab Zupko around the throat with a cancellation he wasn’t willing to entertain.

Skye, yelping to the high heavens as Marcus attempts to penetrate her lusciously lubricated rear end, said she couldn’t take Marcus, that he’s too wide for her.

Which comes as a bit of an unnerving experience for Zupko because Skye told him she’s worked with Marcus in the past. “But that’s when I was taking it up the ass seven days a week,” Skye tells Zupko from a couch, explaining this apparent contradiction. Skye hasn’t done anal in two months and her ass is out of practice, she says. The cameras aren’t running now, and Marcus is trying to get Skye’s ass back in quick practice by prison humping her. It’s not working.

Skye really wants to do this scene, she says. Zupko wants her to do the scene. He’s been like a kid all day anticipating Christmas. Earlier in the day, Zupko and I are reminiscing about women with great asses. I offer up Sara Jay. I shot her in a scene for Great American Ass, and Zupko says he shot her as well in his Big Wet Asses movie. Zupko remembers trying to get Tyler Wood to fuck Sara Jay, hot dog style in the ass- the penis sliding back and forth like a trombone in between the cheeks. Wood apparently couldn’t do it and Zupko remembered getting frustrated. He grabs Wood’s cock.

I wanted to be sure I heard this right. “You grabbed his cock?” I ask Zupko. “Yeah,” he says. Though not from Zupko, I hear about another astounding moment in porn- the time Arnold Schwartzenpecker finished a 10-man blowbang and, without so much as washing his hands, allegedly reached into a bag of cold cuts that was going to be served for lunch.

Michelle Lay has just finished her scene with Dickens, and Zupko’s wearing the remnants of it. That’s because Lay has wiped her cum drenched kisser in Zupko’s T-shirt but offers him a substitute- one of hers which she autographs. Zupko’s making jokes about a big time porn director wearing a sissy girl’s shirt. But the fashion setback doesn’t stay Zupko from licking his bearded chops. “You’re mine now,” he tells Skye with sinister implications.

“Lookatchu, lookatchu” repeats Zupko, taking recent fancy to the Artie Lange/Don Rickles/ baby gorilla story told on Stern.

Zupko’s telling me another story about his old man who drove trucks- Zupko’s old man telling him about a dock worker on one of his routes who would shit in the cab of trucks or shit in the boxes of Procter & Gamble products just for the shock value. Zupko is spasming trying to get the story told in one paragraph. “What would make a guy want to do that?” Zupko wants to know. “How wacked is that?”

Skye’s wearing what looks like a 50’s style two-piece bathing suit. For a tease sequence, Zupko wants her to talk dirty to the camera as she strips. Skye says she can’t talk dirty, that she’s no good at it. Zupko tells her, okay, be the girl next door. Skye apparently is. She’s dating a butcher and Zupko can’t believe his ears, telling Skye that with a face like hers she should be dating the head of IBM. Zupko’s telling Skye she’s one of the sexiest females he’s seen in a long time. If you had a nickel for every time Zupko tells Skye she’s smokin’ hot, you’d have enough to buy a fire truck.

Skye’s slowly pulling her bottoms down revealing her fully rounded sunset. And Zupko wants Marcus to dive right into dusk. But Marcus is struggling to get his pants off. Marcus is telling Skye it may have been her ass yesterday but it’s his now. Except Skye’s ass has other ideas. It clenches up like a fist and Marcus is having flashbacks to his scene the day previous with Jessica Kaine, Marcus thinking to himself, man, this can’t be happening twice on the same porn set. Photog Glen Baron is saying the same thing.

Skye is between screams and nervous laughter. You’d think Marcus was trying to fly an airplane through a keyhole.

“You’re gonna be okay, sweetheart,” Zupko assures her. Skye’s not so sure of that. “I can’t- there’s no fucking way,” she tells Zupko.

Marcus is attempting penetration in the mish position. “No-no-no!!! Ow-ow-ow!!!” Skye responds. Zupko is sweethearting her and giving Skye a grin and bear it, take it for the team speech, but Skye’s telling him that she’s not going to take it in the ass and pretend she’s enjoying it.

“Think of it like this,” Zupko tells her. “It ain’t happening but it’s happening.” Skye looks at him like what the fuh.

Trying a different approach, Zupko gives Skye a crossing the bridge spiel, that all Skye needs is to get Marcus past her sphincter’s Mendoza Line.

Marcus, a little disbelief registering on his own face, is looking at Zupko telling him, “You’re good. You sell it.” Encouraged, Zupko continues to run with the crossing the bridge analogy. By now Skye has crossed enough bridges to land in another country. Zupko predicts that once Skye crosses that bridge there’ll be tears of joy.

“I don’t like to cry when I’m having sex,” Skye replies caustically, her hands on her hips. “My ass hurts as I stand here.”

“I know in my heart you’ll cross that bridge,” Zupko continues to tell her. “You’ll get past that one point. Just let it go.” Zupko is telling Skye it’s mental. Skye is telling him, no, the pain is in her ass not in her mind. Like he did with Jessica Kaine, Zupko begins delivering Marine Corps pep talks about 20 mile hikes and finishes off with a nursery yarn about The Big Butt That Could.

Marcus, who’s got an orgy to do in the morning, is saying he has no objections to Zupko getting “a skinnier dude”. Only Zupko’s wondering where he’s going to get one this time of night.

“You’re so beautiful, baby, the fans are speaking,” Zupko tells Skye, possibly appealing to her sense of vanity. Skye’s agreeing with Marcus that this will possibly work with someone smaller, and that Marcus, realistically, wasn’t getting any smaller. Anticipating this as a disaster in the making, a story is being told how a David Aaron Clark shoot had to come to a grinding halt because a female performer suffered an asthma attack.

Marcus is putting his pants back on- a sure sign that his sex partner has put the closed sign in the window. Skye, however, is willing to entertain suggestions. Fuckin’ Seth Dickens Zupko is thinking. Seth Dickens, the guy who looks like Kiefer Sutherland with muscles. Dickens is called and is back on the set in ten minutes. Dickens, brimming with confidence, assesses the situation like a rescue team at a bomb site. He assures Zupko this will work and takes Skye for a test run.

His dick and her ass are a match made in heaven. Seth is riding Skye’s oily ass, and Zupko, regaining his sense of humor, watches the monitor in a trance.

“This is good shit, man.” Zupko again giggling. Yeah, what would possess a man to take a dump in a Procter & Gamble’s box?