Porn Valley – With holiday candles and seasonally sweet aromas filling the air, Thanksgiving turkey was being served at the Wankus household. But it was Rebecca Love and the Dago Bomber the ones being carved up.

Apparently there was a bet. Some kind of bet riding on the outcome of the Dallas-Miami game that if Dallas won, Daisy, preparer of the meal, Wankus’ significant other, and a Dolphins’ fan of no insignificant proportions, was to do the dishes in bikini bottoms with the words Dallas Cowboys scrawled across her breasts.

If Miami won [which was the case], the Dago Bomber aka Brian, aka Plus One, aka Cytherea’s man, was supposed to wash the dishes in a diaper and cowboy boots. All things considered, you had to be rooting for Dallas just to head off that prospect.

Dinner itself was about 6 pm. But long before that, Porno Steve took off for parts unknown, and his partner Harry Weiss on the Dee and The Fatmen Show on KSEX suspected that Seidman, having already blown through the appetizers was off somewhere looking for something additional to eat. Seidman later resolved the mystery by saying he was off in search of denture adhesive, apparently anticipating some heavy duty chowing down.

At one point in the afternoon, Rebecca Love, Wankus’ co-ho on Monday nights, gave a wonderful seminar on moonlighting opportunities for porn stars. Love then made a comment about money and Seidman turned around to me saying, ‘don’t you dare print that!’ Which I don’t understand because Rebecca was merely expressing her appreciation for currency. Samantha Sterlyng then chimed in by saying how she bought Skip Tracer software which allows her to examine the lifestyle traits of potential donors to her various causes.

Katie Morgan was also asked about the events that led to her probation [which ended this week] for transporting 100 pounds of a certain organic substance. It was speculated that Morgan, being a blond and driving a pimp mobile across the Mexican border may have stood out like a sore thumb as far as customs officials were concerned. Standing out like a sore thumb, too, was Lani Kahlua who has apparently caught the fancy of Cythrea. For a brief moment it looked like a girl-girl scene was about to erupt. Which would have been no surprise to me because a similar thing occurred at one of Tiffany Million’s Thanksgiving get togethers years ago.

Rebecca Love’s daughter was a model of restraint and remarkably quiet all afternoon until Jimmy Neutron came on. It was then that she threatened physical reprisals both against myself and Porno Steve who wanted to commandeer the TV and check out a basketball game on ESPN. Wankus offered her a dollar to keep quiet and that worked only so far until she realized she could work this as an extortion racket. Wankus then gave her a second dollar with instructions to tell her mother that she just made more money than she did for the day.

When so informed, Love, who was filling out a sweater that the legendary Jayne Mansfield would have been challenged to do, somehow took this as a throwing of the gauntlet and said she could do so on mere whim in Wankus’ neighborhood. Love was informed that the neighbor was gay.

By the time dinner rolled around, Love had negotiated a couple of glasses of the ruby red vino. So when her daughter had inadvertently hit a control button raising the volume on the TV, Harry Weiss told Love if she wanted a dollar she should go fix the TV. Except Love, like a blind lady handed a remote, began reconfiguring the settings raising howls of mirth at the dinner table. Samantha Sterlyng and Katie Morgan’s eyes were watering. Weiss asked Rebecca why she wasn’t this funny on KSEX, Friday nights. Wankus said that’s because she’s on Monday nights.

Sensing that some of this mirth might eventually be directed at him, the Dago Bomber began having second thoughts about keeping his end of the bargain. Wankus suggested, in no uncertain terms that if he reneged, his reputation would be altered significantly. Consecrated to the ideals of fair play, decency and honor, the Bomber threw up his hands. And when dinner was over, he was presented the challenge of making what he could out of tape and a batch of baby diapers. The results were not a pretty sight.