During the Eagles’ first pre-season game, Donovan McNabb completed three passes in a row and grinned like he had just drafted Vince Papale. You know Vince Papale- he’s the one being played in the movies by Mark Wahlberg, a guy who looks nothing like him. Tonight, real football begins and the argument is that the Pittsburgh Steelers who’ll kick it off with Miami will look nothing like the Steelers of last year without Ben Worthlessberger.
You know Ben- he’s the quarterback attempting to set an NFL season record for most emergency surgeries.
Ben or no Ben, at least the Steelers are playing at home, and according to prevailing wisdom once lent to me by Joey the Bookie years ago- that’s before his right eye accidentally walked into an ice pick- you play the home team for the first week of the season. By all accords that’s what I should have done last year, didn’t and wound up 7-9 for the first week. I finished up a pretty decent 171-85, though, but not enough to overtake John Gray who returns, trunks and tanning oil in hand, to the Adultfyi pool this season defending his 179-77 record.
Right behind John is Sean from www.pornlegends.com who came in at 177-79. Sean also holds the distinction of being the only player in the pool to pull off a perfect 16-0 which he did during week 13 last year. Obviously these will be the two guys to watch but they split the difference on tonight’s game. Sean’s with Pittsburgh and John’s picking Miami. Someone might want to tell him Ricky Williams is in Canada growing funny looking plants on his balcony.
There’s a lot of new faces in the pool this year including a couple of fans who wrote glowing essays about how wonderful adultfyi.com is, so they passed muster without the usual ball busting red tape. Mike Fattorosi, an attorney, also joins us and no motions of any kind will be entertained by the bench for bum picks. Back again for his fourth season is Wankus [148-108]. While Harry Weiss [171-85], Shannon from Adult DVD Empire [162-94], and Porno Steve Seidman [176-80] also return for their third seasons.
After dropping out towards the end of last year, Brian, aka Plus One, aka Minus One, is back with us as well as is Serenity [140-116], and Steve Lane [151-105]. Steve also returns for his third season of verbal and mental abuse. And we welcome back Eagle diehard Steve Volponi [159-107] and give a special welcome to Sandy Bunz, an inveterate football junkie and producer of porn involving lots of people running around naked in Lake Havasu. Representing the east coast, Adultfyi greets Genesis Magazine’s Dan Davis with the sincere hope that he’ll accept all my unsolicited manuscripts.
Jerry’s Deli in Woodland Hills- my home on Tuesday and Sunday nights- is again represented this year by Ryan, the world’s greatest mixologist along with Big Ty and Karl The Birdman. Ryan returns for his second season and posted a 172-84 last year which is truly insulting because he knows squat about football. Then, again, I know squat about mixing a quality Margarita.
I also note that Big Ty and Sandy Bunz are the only ones picking Green Bay over Chicago. Did they miss the news that Brett Favre didn’t retire? Likewise, from my previous experience picking these things, I’ve discovered the Bears will be the team to break your back. And you might want to call tossups and shoulder shrugs on these games this weekend: Colts v. Giants… Bengals v. Chiefs… Dallas v. Jags… NO v. Browns.
I would also be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge Billy the Crystal, the arbiter of the spirit world. Billy was 152-104 last year by keeping his ear close to the burial ground. But, apparently, not close enough to the tombstone. I could match Billy’s record by picking cricket matches. And Serenity who’s also into the other world-thing is the only one going for Buffalo over New England. Does Serenity know something the rest of us don’t? Is she channeling the spirit of Buffalo Bob?
To gain a little extra spiritual weight to my picks, I went to Toast, a bar on Ventura Blvd. Wednesday night for a couple of cold ones. And who’s sitting across from me, but none other than Mr. Kung Fu, David Carradine. How could I fail, thinking to myself, with the stoic Kane clearing a path across the way, belting ’em down? About 20 minutes into this, Kane picks up, leaves and gets into his black Porsche which is parked on a side street. And here I thought he walked and carried a knapsack. An older blond Kane was chatting it up with, was so impressed with the fact that David Carradine spent time in her presence that she did an elbow-pumping, yessssssssssss, victory dance. I did the same dance when I got a complimentary Hefeweizen from Dave the bartender who happens to be a Dallas fan.
With the Manning brothers going against one another Sunday night- and probably making for the big interest game of the first week- here’s how the schedule looks followed by the Adultfyi picks.
Thursday night: Miami at Pittsburgh
Sunday: Atlanta at Carolina; Baltimore at Tampa Bay; Buffalo at New England; Cincinnati at Kansas City; Denver at St. Louis; New Orleans at Cleveland; New York Jets at Tennessee; Philadelphia at Houston; Seattle at Detroit; Chicago at Green Bay; Dallas at Jacksonville; San Francisco at Arizona; Indy at NY Giants.
Monday night: Minnesota at Washington; San Diego at Oakland.
John Gray from Gray Mags: Miami, Carolina, Tampa Bay, New England, Cincinnati, Denver, New Orleans, Tennessee, Philly, Seattle, Chicago, Jax, Arizona, Indy, Washington, Oakland
Shannon from Adult DVD Empire: Pittsburgh, Carolina, Tampa Bay, New England, Cincinnati, Denver, Cleveland, NY Jets, Philly, Seattle, Chicago, Dallas, Arizona, NY Giants, Washington, San Diego
Steve Lane: Pittsburgh, Carolina, Baltimore, New England, Kansas City, Denver, Cleveland, Tennessee, Houston, Seattle, Chicago, Jax, Arizona, NY Giants, Washington, San Diego
Serenity: Pittsburgh, Atlanta, Tampa Bay, Buffalo, Cincinnati, St. Louis, New Orleans, NY Jets, Houston, Seattle, Chicago, Jax, San Francisco, Indy, Minnesota, San Diego
Steve Seidman: Miami, Carolina, Baltimore, New England, Cincinnati, Denver, New Orleans, Tennessee, Philly, Seattle, Chicago, Jax, Arizona, Indy, Washington, San Diego
Sean from www.pornlegends.com: Pittsburgh, Carolina, Tampa Bay, New England, Cincinnati, Denver, New Orleans, Tennessee, Philly, Seattle, Chicago, Jax, Arizona, Indy, Washington, San Diego
Ryan from Jerry’s Deli: Pittsburgh, Carolina, Tampa Bay, New England, Cincinnati, Denver, Cleveland, Tennessee, Houston, Seattle, Chicago, Dallas, Arizona, Indy, Minnesota, San Diego
Harry Weiss: Pittsburgh, Carolina, Tampa Bay, New England, Kansas City, Denver, Cleveland, Tennessee, Philly Seattle, Chicago, Jax, Arizona, NY Giants, Washington, San Diego
Steve Volponi: Miami, Carolina, Tampa Bay, New England, Cincinnati, Denver, Cleveland, Tennessee, Philly, Seattle, Chicago, Dallas, Arizona, NY Giants, Washington, San Diego
Wankus: Miami, Carolina, Tampa Bay, New England, Cincinnati, Denver, Cleveland, Tennessee, Philly, Seattle, Chicago, Dallas, Arizona, NY Giants, Washington, Oakland
Karl the Birdman: Pittsburgh, Carolina, Tampa Bay, New England, Kansas City, Denver, Cleveland, Tennessee, Philly, Seattle, Chicago, Dallas, San Francisco, Indy, Washington, Oakland
Big Ty: Miami, Atlanta, Baltimore, New England, Cincinnati, Denver, Cleveland, Tennessee, Houston, Seattle, Green Bay, Dallas, Arizona, Indy, Washington, San Diego
Sandy Bunz from www.sandybunz.com: Pittsburgh, Carolina, Tampa Bay, New England, Kansas City, Denver, Cleveland, Tennessee, Philly, Seattle, Green Bay, Dallas, San Francisco, NY Giants, Minnesota, San Diego
Steve from Xbiz: Miami, Carolina, Tampa Bay, New England, Kansas City, Denver, Cleveland, Tennessee, Houston, Seattle, Chicago, Jax, Arizona, NY Giants, Washington, San Diego
Dan Davis: Pittsburgh, Carolina, Tampa Bay, New England, Cincinnati, Denver, New Orleans, NY Jets, Philly, Seattle, Chicago, Dallas, Arizona, Indy, Minnesota, San Diego
Brian: Miami, Atlanta, Tampa Bay, New England, Cincinnati, St. Louis, Cleveland, NY Jets, Philly, Seattle, Chicago, Dallas, San Francisco, NY Giants, Minnesota, San Diego
Mike Dickinson: Pittsburgh, Carolina, Tampa Bay, New England, Cincinnati, Denver, New Orleans, Tennessee, Philly, Seattle, Chicago, Jax, Arizona, Indy, Washington, San Diego
Michael Fattorosi: Pittsburgh, Carolina, Baltimore, New England, Kansas City, St. Louis, Cleveland, Tennessee, Philly, Seattle, Chicago, Dallas, San Francisco, NY Giants, Washington, San Diego
Brian Wallace: Pittsburgh, Carolina, Tampa Bay, New England, Cincinnati, Denver, Cleveland, NY Jets, Houston, Detroit, Chicago, Dallas, Arizona, Indy, Minnesota, San Diego
Gene Ross: Pittsburgh, Carolina, Tampa Bay, New England, Cincinnati, Denver, New Orleans, Tennessee, Philly, Seattle, Chicago, Dallas, Arizona, Indy, Washington, Oakland
Billy the Crystal: Miami, Atlanta, Baltimore, New England, Kansas City, St. Louis, Cleveland, Tennessee, Houston, Seattle, Chicago, Dallas, San Francisco, Indy, Washington, San Diego