There was much rumor afoot last week that the movie Deep Throat, www.arrowfreedom.com was bulleted to become a video game. If this is the case, and the idea of a classic porn movie coming equipped with a game console is certainly a provocative one, what do you think the core couch potato could expect when Deep Throat goes maybe to Xbox?

There’s the possibility of a high-strung John Madden-voice lending out commentary as brunette Linda [or her blond alter ego] tools her blue Buick LeSabre [or maybe a Cutlass] down Collins Ave., in Miami [or possibly Biscayne Blvd.] with other selections of calliope music available besides the one we now have. In the movie, Linda’s paying a visit to her girlfriend, Dolly Sharpe, who’s being eaten out by a guy who looks like Freddie Prinze. [Hit “nationality” selection.]

Upon close inspection, “Freddie” is tracing out letters of the alphabet on Dolly’s clit with his tongue. Hit the “hieroglyphics” option for a longer, more detailed oral scene which can now feature updated cars, thoroughfares, moderately unattractive girlfriends and ethnic boyfriends.

Not exactly living in the lap of luxury, Linda’s character still seems to be doing okay for herself, and the girlfriend alludes to the fact that Linda’s living off her old man’s allowance. The girls are spending some idle time at chitchat while suntanning [go with “cloudy day” on the menu], and Linda says there’s got to be more to life than screwing around. Actually, that’s the best thing about life but Linda in her youthful naivete doesn’t realize this yet. Linda wants to settle down she tells Sharpe. Apparently she’s been having conventional sex [press “unconventional”], and while she enjoys it to a degree, she wants an agitated vulva replete with bells, whistles and dams bursting. This is stuff she can actually get at a local Target or a paramilitary encampment in Idaho; and the game should give the player the opportunity to send her there and shut her yap once and for all.

Meanwhile, the girlfriend organizes a gangbang of sorts for Linda’s benefit and while Dolly’s in the living room taking numbers, Linda appears to be getting it in the ass in the adjoining suite but we don’t know for sure. [Hit the “c-light” button to throw some illumination on the subject and a better AVN review]. But whatever’s she’s attempting in this scene, Linda’s still frustrated. And director Gerard Damiano, for whatever reason, plays a gay guy in a walk-on. [Hit “straight”.]

At Sharpe’s advice, Linda goes to see a wacky doctor, Harry Reems, whose office looks suspiciously like a motel room with a couple of doctor props. Reems sports the classic porn guy mustache from the Seventies and you might want to make him clean shaven or give him a Chuck Martino mullet just for shits and giggles. Reems also has this cute big-busted nurse, Carol Connors, who’s reputed to be the mother of actress Thora Birch. [Play the “Lindsay Lohan” option for some real high level drama and hijinx.]

In an interview, Connors also claims that she once gave a German Shepherd a handjob. [Go with “Doberman” and see if she still wants to try it.]

Reems is quick to discover that Lovelace’s G-spot is actually in her throat and wants to make her a case study- a sure way to put his name in the medical journals and on a government subpoena which is what happened for real. And when he isn’t doing Linda, Reems is taking Connors on all fours. Carol is totally void, expressionless and compliant- much like today’s porn performers.

So with all the sex he’s been getting, Reems’ cock winds up in a splint, Linda winds up with a boyfriend named Wilbur with a 13-inch dick and the viewers will be surprised to learn that Coca Cola didn’t sue the producers of the movie for ripping off “The Real Thing” jingle.

Then hit the “litigation” “Linday Lohan” and “Doberman” buttons simultaneously, sit back, and have some real fun.