Let’s look at some of the comedy that occurred this weekend at the 2014 AVN Awards.

Ladies and gentlemen, there is an award that every single girl who gets in the business is obsessed with. Seriously. Every girl in this industry is absolutely obsessed with this award.

That award is known as Best New Starlet.

The Best New Starlet is an award that is unbelievably coveted. An award that every girl wants. An award that is supposed to springboard a girl into porn superstardom. Along with Female Performer of the Year, Best New Starlet is the award that every girl wants.

Now this year, we had a winner. The winner was someone who I had never heard of and the general consensus throughout the business was that no one else had heard of her either. Even the people who had heard of her could only come up with a couple of notable things that she had achieved in her brief time in the business. So the winner of Best New Starlet is completely perplexing to me.

This girl’s name is Mia Malkova. Exactly. Who the FUCK is Mia Malkova?

Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve never heard of this fuckin broad. People said she did some movie for Hard X. I said, “Who the fuck is Hard X?” They said Mile High. I said, “Ted and Jon Blitt? Oh, OK.” They said Mason directed it. I said, “OK. What else?”

What else has this girl been in that I would know? Ladies and gentlemen, I’m gonna go through the list of nominees. Not gonna go throughout the complete list, because there are are couple a girls on it that I’ve also never heard of. But there are girls on the list who have done everything from getting their assholes annihilated to sleeping with directors and agents who didn’t get Best New Starlet.

I wanna ask all of the nominees who attended how does it feel to spend all of the money that you spent on dresses, food and accommodations, travel, rather you’re giving up your pussy for a free room or whatever and go home with nothing? Bupkis. Because I know companies aren’t footing the bill for rooms. “Oh, you wanna sign for us? OK, we’re not paying you nothing.” So you gotta pay for your hotel at 200 a night. If you wanna say a company paid for it, I guarantee you were fucking and sucking the owner. No studio is flipping the bill for nothing. Not happening. Not now.

So I’m gonna read you a list of girls who did everything in their power this year to win Best New Starlet and a girl I have never heard of won and how does it feel to be a loser? How does it feel to be fucked up your ass? Not by a dick. Not by a nice slippery dick covered in lube. But fucked up your ass by a baseball bat covered in barbed wire. Because that’s what was done motherfuckers.

Think about it. Four days at The Hard Rock Hotel and Casino at say 200 or more a night. With taxes and incidentals it’s at least 1000 dollars. Did you fly up there? Oh you did? OK. Or you drove and gas is so expensive I don’t know if that’s a cheaper way to go these days. You had food. I know a lot of you had food because some of you looked like you ate small children.

And the person who wins Best New Starlet is Mia Malkova?

Are you gonna tell me that Mia Malkova was more deserving than Christy Mack? Christy Mack, the other tattooed freak that everybody talks about. That everybody shoots. Mia Malkova wins Best New Starlet over Christy Mack? Bullshit. Christy Mack was on the AVN poster, but they spelled her name wrong. Christy Mack, how does that barbed wire baseball bat feel? Right up your ass, sweetheart.

Jessa Rhodes? JESSA FUCKIN RHODES? Does everybody remember Jessa Rhodes? When Cameron Bay was diagnosed with HIV, Jessa Rhodes went on Twitter and said people with HIV should be killed. Shot. Jessa Rhodes is legendary director extraordinaire Barrett Blade’s girlfriend.

So Jessa Rhodes has the political advantage of being with Barrett Blade, who’s butt buddies with David Lord, Brad Armstrong, Jessica Drake and is aligned with Wicked Pictures and Digital Playground. Tom Byron worked with Jessa Rhodes twice in the past year.

Jessa Rhodes did everything from fucking Barrett Blade because she thought he was important to fucking old ass Tom Byron and she got nothing! How does that bat feel Jessa? You got NOTHING!

How about this girl? Teal Conrad? That’s Derek Hay’s girlfriend. Teal Conrad’s actually a cute girl, man. She’s a cute fuckin girl. We’ve heard her name everywhere. She’s been in some big movies. Right up your ass, Teal Conrad!

There’s three girls right there. Three girls that are legitimately bigger than Mia Malkova.

How about AJ Applegate? AJ Applegate works for all the Evil Angel and Jules Jordan companies. She worked for Tim Von Swine. AJ Applegate is a dirty little fuck pig. She’ll take dick up her ass, in her ear, down her throat, in her nostrils, she’ll swallow 82 fuckin loads. AJ Applegate, what do you got? AJ Appleshit! Right up your ass!

These four girls spent all this money and time to go to a show and lost to a girl that not only I’ve never heard of but no one else has either. You got duped! But hey, how else are you gonna get these girls to show up for free and have people wait in line for their autographs?

Let me ask you this. How many people waited in line to see Christy Mack or AJ Applegate or Teal Conrad? Or Jessa Rhodes? Jessa fucking Rhodes! Jessa Rhodes is in Barrett Blade movies! Mr. Big Shot Director. Jessa Rhodes! You got shit! I guess your boyfriend’s cock ain’t that important because you can’t even get an award over Mia Malkova.

How about this one? Rikki Six? Rikki Six. I’ve been hearing this girl’s name for months. Hell, if you go to AVN.com right now, she’s Porn Star of the Day! Rikki Six, you got a big bowl of shit!

You girls got shit. All you did was give AVN and The Hard Rock thousands of dollars of your time and money for a big fat goose egg.

Unfortunately for Jessa Rhodes, she’s still gotta fuck Barrett Blade. And she still got nothing!

Rikki Six? Porn Star of the Day? You’re Porn Star of Shit!

Let’s keep going. Zoey Monroe? Nothing! Natalia Starr? Nothing! Jody Taylor? Nothing!

Melody Jordan? I’ve heard of Melody Jordan. Melody Jordan, you got dick! And it’s not Barrett Blade’s dick. It’s a dick covered in barbed wire and it’s shoved right up your ass!

Hey Teal Conrad, how does it feel to suck on Derek Hay’s uncircumcised foreskin and he says, “Don’t worry baby, you’re going to be Best New Stahhlet, because I’ve got all the juice. Just keep sucking the smegma from my cock. Suck the smegma right off my cock, my love. Suck on it. Suck the chancroids right from my uncircumcised cock!”

Guess what, Teal Conrad? You sat there at the awards and they announced, “The winner is Mia Malkova!” and you spit out Derek Hay’s chancroids that you sucked from his diseased uncut bangers and mash! Teal Conrad, you got Teal Shit! You might as well go out with Tee Reel.

Christy Mack. I know baby. You wanna be the next Bonnie Rotten. But you can’t be the next Bonnie Rotten is you can’t even win Best New Starlet. I’m sorry. I’m sorry baby. And AVN can’t even spell your name right.

You girls want to to pull my pants down and show you what it’s like to get a little Italian sauseege right up your culo? Do ya? I know that you would love it.

Cindy Starfall. I’ve heard of Cindy Starfall. Looks like your star fell honey. Right to the bottom of the shit pile.

Man, you poor young girls. Suckin the dicks of all of those old nasty dudes that promised you the world.

Let me give you youngsters a little info. There are only about two directors in this business that have any sort of relevance or influence. One is Axel Braun and the other is Brad Armstrong. Now Axel is unfortunately married and he’s picky with girls and he only gives props to the young guys that suck him off real good. And Brad has Jessica. And he likes black girls. He’s already done with Misty Stone and there’s no other black girls around to give a little push to. Other than that, there ain’t any directors out there that can do a fuckin thing for you. Or an agent.

Shit, I remember two years ago. All the Spiegler girls won awards and got up there and said,”Mark Spiegler is the greatest agent!” Yeah, here’s your greatest agent. Spiegler girls got a big ball of shit up their ass.

Teal Conrad, guess what? Derek Hay can’t get you shit. Except his uncircumcised dick.

Jessa Rhodes. Old ass Barrett Blade ain’t getting you shit, except hanging out with David Lord. David Lord can get you an eight ball of coke for the weekend. Ask Katie Summers about that. She used to date him and blow lines of coke on the weekends. He can’t get you a movie. Got no juice.

Girls, you need to know whose dick to suck. You ain’t sucking the right dick. If you call Rob Black, I’ll tell you the right dick to suck. And if the right dicks aren’t there, I’ll tell you to save your lips because it ain’t gonna help you win an award.

Best New Starlets, you all got shit.

Jessa, time to cut Barrett loose. You put in the year and you got a big fat zero.

Teal Conrad, you spent that time sucking on Derek Hay’s chancroid riddled dick and what did you get? You pulled back the foreskin and you got smegma. Kick him to the curb.

Rikki Six, you know what an agent will get you? More escorting gigs. You don’t need Derek Hay to be a hooker, baby.

AJ Applegate, I know, I know. You said let me get my asshole reamed out in every Jules Jordan or Evil Angel movie I can, because they told me that’s how I’m gonna win the award. But it didn’t happen, baby. It’s not gonna happen. That time is past. You put a good year in to get a good nothing.

And Christy Mack, I feel so bad for you, my tatted princess. But I guess the industry said they only want one tattooed freak at a time. And this year it was Bonnie Rotten. Christy, how does it feel that you laid out all that money to go to Vegas and AVN can’t even spell your name right?

If I were a porn chick, I would rather not even be nominated than to spend all of that money on the AVN Vegas trip and lose to Mia Malkova.

Who in the Manwin/AVN circle is Mia Malkova fucking? Who? Because for them to give the Best New Starlet award to Mia Malkova over Christy Mack, Teal Conrad, Jessa Rhodes, Rikki Six, AJ Applegate or Natalia Starr, somebody’s gotta be sucking some important fuckin cock. And I know it’s not Peter Warren. Ask Tara Lynn Foxxx how far that’ll get ya.

So ladies and gentlemen, Mia Malkova is your 2014 AVN Best New Starlet. Who is she you ask? I don’t know.

But Jessa Rhodes, Teal Conrad, AJ Applegate, etc. did not suck the right Manwin dick. You had the suck the disgusting dicks of the guys you did and it just didn’t work out they way they said it would.

I actually feel for ya.

Hopefully you girls can put this behind you and stop sucking the wrong dicks. Forget about AVN, they’re done. You’re never gonna win with the kind of politics that would award a nobody like Mia Malkova with a Best New Starlet trophy.

Take the barbed wire baseball bat out of your asses and move on.

Follow Rob Black on Twitter @RealRobBlack Email: [email protected]