If you really want to hear the best stories about the porn industry, listen to a cosmetician.

They’re privy to all the dirt as one girl after another on a porn set occupies a chair, gets her hair done and vents- mostly about producers, directors, companies, suitcase pimp boyfriends, steamer trunk pimp husbands, etc.

Makeup rooms are certainly the place to be, and I only wish I had been wired for sound the many times when I’d be hanging out in one of them. So what I’m telling you, is, basically, don’t read a book by a porn performer if you want to know the real skinny.

[Jerry Butler’s book being that rare exception].

They’re only going to pull punches, homogenize the anecdotes, write in a way to make themselves look good in the final analysis and end up probably disappointing you.

Oh, did I say “write”? Everyone should know by now that porn books are ghosted, so there would be little point in reviewing one for style since they all pretty much spook a joint with the same sound-alike patois and lack of personality.

Likewise, Monica Mayhem has “written” a book called Secret Confessions of a Porn Star, and with all due respect to Ms. Mayhem, I’m about two-thirds of the way through it [I bought it this morning] and have yet to come across a startling secret. Oh, here’s one: I did Mayhem’s first interview the day she walked into Extreme Associates close to ten years ago.

Before and since that occasion, I’ve always been a sucker for a good porn yarn, so I’m going to cherry pick some of Mayhem’s stories [don’t get me wrong, there’s some interesting stuff] in subsequent postings, but a hint of where all of this didn’t go is when she tackles the subject of her failed marriage to Craven Moorehead.

If you wanted to hear the real story about that crazy mixed up kids union, unfortunately KSEX is no longer on the air and that’s where Mayhem really let it rip with tales of mojo, spells and Wiccan magic. For the purposes of the book, however, much like the tell-all fiasco that was to be Tera Patrick’s book, Mayhem blunts the instrument by saying, “To cut a woefully long story mercifully short, my marriage was a two-and-a-half-year disaster.”

Personally I don’t want that story cut mercifully short, Monica. Your book goes about 240 pages and I’m sure an extra juicy paragraph or two or three wouldn’t have made the TMZ in me feel quite so neglected.