Whadya think Anita Cannibal would make of this?

The feature Family Thighs, from the Arrow collection, www.xxxdeepthroat.com, with an opening placard espouses safe sex, and even one of its characters, the mullet-equipped Rocky DiLorenzo preaches it in droves to his “older brother” Rick Savage. Yet when it comes right down to it, no one in this cast has got a rubber in their pocket.

In fact, the running gag is that Savage runs a household deplete of alcohol, snacks or playing cards. But sex is coming out of the woodwork. Written and directed by Ron Jeremy, this production is all New Yawk with Rocky telling wayward Rick, “Whatsa mattah wit youse? You have to wear rubbuhs!”

In a flashback to the good old days, Rick remembers when a sex swap truly meant for something, as he and girlfriend Aja switch partners with Busty Bell and David Morris. Aja takes Morris on the couch, and Savage unlaces the succulent-breasted Bell in the bedroom and sprays her kisser with one of those facials many men aspire to, but few can execute.

And as porn logic goes, here’s another example that put Socrates out of business. Savage figures by hiring a Strippergram, Rocky and his agenda will get off his case. So Tiger Lillie sneaks into DiLorenzo’s bedroom and has her way with his hairy man ass. [Rocky’s God-forgive-me-speach after the fact is a riot.]

Stella “I am sex” Star, another of those brassy, platinum Big Apple performers from the Eighties is also featured; and Stella, like Rocky, is adamantly opposed to sex with “stranguhs”. Except while Aja’s telling her the story about how she and Savage first mated, Stella’s already hatching a scheme in her head to have sex not only with Busty Bell [with a dildo] but asks permission if she can do Busty’s boyfriend, Morris.

If there was a condom in this shoot, it died of loneliness; and the plot though genial is thoroughly dim-witted. Which is how we liked our porn back in the day.