There’s this blog about judges called Underneaththeirrobes.blogs.com and it rates them on their hotness. On one occasion, Alex Kozinski, the judge who will be hearing the Ira Isaacs obscenity case, wrote them the following, putting his name in nomination.
Kozinski writes: “Here are the arguments in support of my nomination:
* I am the only Article III judge to have appeared on the Dating Game–and I was on twice. I even won once, and I have the tape to prove it.
* I had my own photo-spread in George Magazine, with lots of sexy pictures of me jumping. This was a few years back, but I’ve only gotten cuter with age.
* I also had a photo-spread in Snow Country Magazine, mostly pictures of me snowboarding. I am, in fact, an authority on snowboarding, as the attached article will prove. And snowboarders are, by definition, hotties.
* I recently co-presided at a very swank wedding at the Larchmont Yacht Club–a club so exclusive it probably wouldn’t admit me as a member–which was reported in the New York Times and discussed in great detail on a very prestigious weblog.
* I wrote the screenplay for the blockbuster Schwarzenegger movie, Total Recall. Well, not really, but I came mighty close. (Read esp. pp. 1301-02, but the whole thing is worth a read if you can bill it to a client.)
* I was a recent cover boy for Legal Affairs Magazine. [Ed. note: Click on the link, then click on the thumbnail for a larger view of this delightful photo. Judge Kozinski is ready for his close-up!]
* I cut a dashing figure in court.
* I often hang out with that other judicial babe magnet, Stephen Reinhardt.
* I bear an uncanny resemblance to Moses, of Old Testament fame. [Ed. note: Don’t miss out–click on the link to see Helmut Newton’s “celebrity portrait” of Judge Kozinski!]
* I have my own fan web page.
* I write a mean dissent.
* I bungee jump. [Ed. note: Click on the link to play this very fun little video clip–and make sure your sound is turned on!]
* I recently played a key supporting role in the 20-minute short Inside Story, directed by my son Yale Kozinski, written and produced by former Kozinski clerk Leslie Hakala, and featuring former Kozinski clerks Tara Kole, Troy Foster, Chris Newman, Leslie Hakala and Theane Evangelis. [Ed. note: Like Judge Kozinski, Hakala, Kole, and Evangelis are all members of the Elect–a term first explained here.]
If you can provide me with a name and address (it could be of a friend, so as not to reveal your identity), I’d happily send you an autographed DVD of Inside Story–the sad tale of an 8th-year associate (Tara) who gets hoodwinked by a slick (but sexy) operator (Troy) into revealing securities secrets, thereby getting fired by the Big Cheese Partner (me). Believe you me, you don’t want to pass up the chance to have your very own (autographed) copy of this as yet undiscovered art treasure, which (unfortunately) I must condition on your waiving the rules a teensy-weensy bit by adding my name to the list of nominees.
I could say a lot more, but it would probably compromise my chances for elevation.
I know that that the voting is already well underway, so that adding my name to the list will put me at a disadvantage in collecting votes, yet somehow I feel that if I can make it onto the list, even at this late date, I might still have a chance, if only a small one, of being selected as among the top 3 male judicial super-hotties.
I anxiously await your response, AK