Mike Albo, Thigh-conoclast

Porn Valley- From 1993 to 2003 Michael Louis Albo ruled over the now-defunct Hustler Erotic Video Guide with an iron enema-hose.

Whereas most glossies covering adult entertainment--actually, make that all other such magazines--approached their topics with, at the very least, a sympathetic point of view, the HEVG under Albo was once deemed by no less a miscreant than writer Selwyn Harris as "the most angry, berserk periodical I've ever laid eyes upon."

And that is saying something.

It wasn't always that way. In the years leading up to Albo's tenure as Executive Editor, HEVG reported on the comings-and-more-comings of the dirty business from a fan's perspective--albeit an adoring one. If Albo liked smut--and I believe that he does--his passions were set aflame by what he viewed as grotesque transgressions being perpetrated by porn's Powers That Once Were.

Lame videos, ugly girls, and, especially, the slightest taint of male homosexuality set Albo off into rapturous railings that, frankly, often begged a single question: Why?

And often when Albo soared off on a rampage, the recipients of his vitriol responded in kind--but even more so. Feuds, death threats, and the ever-looming specter of real violence loomed over Albo for a decade. All over talking shit about some fuck tapes.

Again, one wonders: Why?

More mellow, but no less entertaining, today's Mike Albo writes for Adult Video News, and he was courteous enough to address the above query for SexWrecks.com, along with some others.

Your tenure as the editor of the "angry, berserk" Hustler Erotic Video Guide is legendary. Why did you choose to run the magazine that way? Or was it even a choice?

"Angry and berserk?" That's awesome. I think I did it because I thought I was being funny. I also think the overwhelming stupidity of the world the magazine covered called for it, and I think a lot of it was due to my own overwhelming stupidity.

If I were smarter, I would have just said nice things about the porn business, gave every movie a positive review, and just nodded and smiled politely at the dopey things porn stars say. Things would have been a lot easier had I done that.

Do you have any regrets about your tenure at Larry Flynt Publishing?

Oh, yes, indeed I do. The biggest one is that I spent ten years there and have absolutely nothing to show for it.

What moments with HEVG were you most proud of?

That's a real tough question. I liked the time we ran photos of VixXxen's breast augmentation surgery. She looked like a gutted mackerel in some of those shots. I always imagined serial killers masturbating to those pictures. Nobody ever thinks of that segment of the readership when they're putting a porn mag together, but psychotic murderers are people too, you know.

What would you have done differently?

I think I might have fought harder for certain things. I remember getting a memo from the company president once telling me I could no longer refer to porn chicks as "sluts and whores." And this is when just about every movie title being released was using those words. I did two issues where the girls were referred to as "beautiful, beautiful butterflies." How lame was that?

I was a huge fan of your work at HEVG, but even I thought the magazine became too obsessed with "outing" male porn stars who had performed gay sex on camera at some point in their careers. My overall feeling was: "Who cares? Gay sex is funny!" Do you agree that it became overwhelming in ratio to its entertainment value? Or do you think it didn't go far enough? What was your motivation?

I agree that gay sex is funny. It's even funnier when the dudes through whom porn fans live vicariously turn out to be more interested in their male co-stars than the chicks they're paid to plook. But, yeah, maybe it got to be a little much. Mainly because there were so many dudes who did it. Still, I always thought it was funny. But that's just me.

Please list your top three fights/feuds (with some detail) as the editor of HEVG. Well, let's see now . . . there were so many.

There was Alec Metro, who didn't dig being credited with "doing a fine impersonation of a heterosexual" in some movie he appeared in. I got a restraining order on him.

There was a Peter North and Jewel De'Nyle Internet feud that stemmed from an interview I did with Jewel. I was polite to her and all, but at one point during our meeting, she brought up her then-boyfriend, Peter North. I commented that I was surprised to hear he liked girls. She laughed and we just moved on.

When the interview came out and she found that line included, she hit the roof. She went to Gene Ross and told a story about how I was rude to her, and treated her "like a whore."

I had the interview on tape, so I sent it to Gene, who agreed that I was pretty nice to her. That really set her off and it just went back and forth on Gene's site for a while. I will confess that I always thought Jewel was pretty hot--in a bitchy sort of way. If she thought about it a little more carefully, she could have just sat on my face and gave me a real stern talking-to. That would've learned me.

How did you come to leave LFP?

The company decided to kill the magazine. I think the decision came about as a result of being forced to take on a Flynt family friend on the staff. She was totally unsuited for the job, and she was pretty horrible at it.

After a year or so of having to smile and baby her through her duties, I just stopped making any pretense that she was doing a good job. I kept hoping that she was going to be transferred over to the Hustler staff, but nobody there wanted her. She didn't like my attitude toward her crappy performance very well. From what I understand, she went to HR and made a big fuss and--maybe it was a coincidence--the company shut down the magazine right after that.

The next day, word came to me that I was no longer allowed on company property or allowed to freelance for the company. Just recently someone told me that the rumor circulating around the office was that she said that I had a gun or something stupid like that. But thanks so much, Adreana Robbins. Heaven holds a special place for those who mess with a guy's livelihood.

What's the story with these revelations about current Hustler Executive Editor Bruce David wanting to find out who was leaking information to you?

All I know is what I've read online. At the time, Bruce and Mark Cromer played it all off as just annoying, juvenile ranting on my part. The seemed pretty nonchalant about it at the time, but all this stuff I've been reading lately seems to indicate quite the opposite.

If what I'm reading is remotely what that place had become, I'm glad I missed it. Life in a Soviet gulag seems more pleasant.

Still, I saw the memo Bruce wrote to Human Resources, and none of the people he listed as suspects were providing me with any information. The people who worked with Bruce didn't seem to like him very much, and some of them were happy to pass along what was going on over at the Black Tower to me.

What drew you to adult publishing in the first place?

I was in college and I thought, "Man, if I'm ever going to boink a porn star, I'm either going to have to become a rock star or become really wealthy." Both of those choices seemed to require too much effort, so I thought if I could do something behind the scenes, my life would somehow be complete. I probably should have researched things a little better.

How many porn girls have you fucked? Got any funny/sad/amazing stories about that?

Not many, but a gentleman never names names in public.

The one story I remember comes from before I was actually editing HEVG. I was in a motel room with this girl and she was smoking freebase. She ran out, and she had a dildo in her ass. Just to be a jerk, I kept pointing to lint on the carpet and telling her I thought I saw some rocks. It was funny to watch her crawl around on the floor with the dildo still in her butt. Looking back on it, I probably could have been a little more supportive.

Did you ever fuck them in your office at LFP?

Once, but it was after hours. And I just went down on her. She was very well-groomed.

Describe what you did in the months after leaving LFP.

After the initial panic of losing my health insurance wore off, I tried to find a job, but I discovered that, within the adult business, HEVG was not all that great of a calling card. People in this business have very long memories and remember every snarky little thing that's ever been written about them.

Who are the five coolest, most interesting, and worthwhile people in pornography?

I don't know if they qualify as "porno people." Tim Kenneally, Allan MacDonell, you, Aaron Lee, Evan Wright, Tim Swanson, Dylan Ford . . . you know, people we worked with on a daily basis. Greg Dark was always cool.

What's the most horrible part of reporting on the porn industry?

For me, it was the sameness of it all. It all started to blend together after awhile. All the chicks had the same story; there was an awful lot of shallow materialism.

What's the best part?

Occasional opportunities to have sex with hot young chicks. Free porn. Oh, and you get to be out of the office a lot. That was always a plus.

Did you ever attempt a romantic relationship with a porn girl? Would you?

Lord, no. Too much drama with those girls. Better to just offer her some cash and see if she'll let you make a milkshake in her ass or something. I have friends who don't know anything about the porn business and they would always ask me if I knew this girl or that one. "What's she really like?" Man, she does porn . . . doesn't that give you a little insight? Most that I've met didn't really strike me as anyone I'd want to hang out with. A few were cool, though.

How do you feel about condoms in porn?

I don't see what's the point in wearing them if, at the end of the scene, they're going to be pulled off so the goop can be spewed into some girl's face.