Porn Valley- You get the impression from listening to Howard Stern who watched the Tera Patrick movie, Tera, Tera, Tera that he thought it was Tera, Tera, semi-terrible. If you count the sex scene with her husband, that is, for major points off.
Stern reviewed the movie on his show this morning and wasn't particularly thrilled with the part where Patrick fucks Evan Seinfeld. "I don't want to watch that," Stern said. "I don't know why." It was pointed out that Seinfeld is heavily tattooed.
"I don't care what guy's doing her," Stern said. "For some reason he's heavily tattooed. He's got tattoos on his ass. It's running up his leg. I don't know what's going on. That's not hot. That's her husband. And it just ruined the porno-thing for me."
Stern said he was averting his eyes and fast-forwarding to the scene with Savannah Sampson.
"I remembered she [Patrick] said that she has a hot sex scene with Savannah who used to be a stripper at Scores and turned porn actress. I had many a lap dance from Savannah and many a different sort of situation here with her on the air. I said I could watch a sex scene with Savannah and Tera Patrick, that would make me mental. Because I think about Savannah a lot. Yeah. She's one of my girls I think about.
"After Tera Patrick does her husband for 12 hours, she comes out in lingerie," Stern continued. "She's standing there. That was almost enough, like just talking. She's introducing the next sex scene between this girl with two guys. I didn't want to see this other girl. I wanted to see Tera Patrick. But it's filler. Why they need filler I don't know. She can't have sex with someone else? She can only have sex with her husband and other chicks."
Stern said he didn't even need to see Patrick naked that he was getting off in just watching her in lingerie. "She was standing there, looking real good." Stern said he wanted to hold out from jerking off, because he wanted to see the scene with Savannah. "And it's hard to hold out. I was feeling good. Why not get it over with?"
Stern said he gets to the scene.
"They're sitting there talking about how Tera Patrick is a virgin when it comes to women," Stern relates. "She's never done a woman. And Savannah evidently has turned on like 20 billion women. It was a big deal because Tera Patrick was saying Savannah this is exciting for me. I've never been with a woman. And they're having this clinical discussion about it. Women talk too much. I like touching. I like softness. And Savannah goes I'm honored that you would choose me out of everyone. This is a real discussion. This isn't like acting. They were really into it. I'm honored. You're honored. You would have thought it was the Academy Awards. But while they're talking about who's honoring who I'm so ready. I'm not going to get through this part. Their talking is getting me nuts. This was more heartfelt than the eulogy for Ronald Reagan."
Stern said after some more awkward moments the scene begins.
"Seeing those together- just like making out a little bit- like in touching each other and sort of being hesitant, that was it." Stern, even though he knows Savannah had a baby, doesn't care. "You don't see any evidence of that."
Stern said Patrick's not supposed to know what's going on but behaves on screen like a pro. "Within two seconds she's doing stuff...she's spitting. Don't ask what's going on. Even Savannah turns around and goes you're doing pretty good for the first time. Which kind of turned me off. Because if a girl's in a middle of a lesbian scene and can talk to the camera, I don't know. But these films are a little too graphic for me. When it gets very hardcore graphic and everyone's spread open, I get a little freaked out. Too much things. Things your gynecologist doesn't even see."
Stern said he paused and will watch the movie for another time when his girlfriend's not around.
Stern evidently got off, despite, and said he's really disgusted with himself afterwards. "What's really weird about it is that I'm laying there and I go I should probably throw away all the evidence. My tissues." On the other hand, Stern thinks he should throw them out first before going to sleep. "Someone comes in the apartment they see a wad of tissues, they're going to know what I did. You know how groggy I am in the morning," said Stern who figures he might leave, forget about the tissues only for someone else to find them.
