Canada- From www.eyeweekly.com- Chris Trew wants to be clear about one thing. It’s not that he’s against people acting out sex with invisible farm animals, per se — it’s just that he’s seen it so many times, it doesn’t immediately impress him.
Where he comes from, the whole “Yeeee-hah, lookitme, I’m shtuping a sheep!” thing is a hack move.
Trew, perhaps not surprisingly, is from Texas. Austin, to be exact, birthplace of both the Air Sex World Championships and countless embarrassing escapades in the decades-old rivalry between the University of Texas and Texas A&M. It did not take long, he says, for the latter to cross paths with the former.
But first: air sex. It’s like air guitar, except instead of pretending to play “Sweet Child O’ Mine,” someone gets on stage (yes, with clothes on, sometimes even in costume) and gives his or her best porn-worthy phantom humping to an invisible paramour. It’s a (cough) sport that Trew and his comedy buddies made up a few years back, inspired by a YouTube video from — where else? — Japan.
Usually, the invisible partner is a human being. In Austin, not as usually.
“Two or three times a week,” Trew says, sounding as wearily as Simon Cowell on three hours of sleep, “we’ll see someone on stage in Texas A&M gear having sex with farm animals.” It’s gotten old.
But, he’s quick to stress, he doesn’t want to put would-be performers off bestiality entirely. It’s just that anyone who goes that route on Saturday — when the ASC tour makes its Toronto stop at the El Mocambo — will need to bring something new to the bit. It’s an added challenge, like when a high-diver attempts an armstand back double-somersault.
“I want to be able to tell what kind of animal it is,” he says earnestly. Use those mime skills, pay attention to the little things, he implores. OK, it’s a sheep, but what kind of sheep?
“Hold it by its haunches so it can’t get away.”
The key to winning at air sex, he says, is commitment to the bit. “You just have to give it 100 per cent. From your costume to the song you choose, from the moment you walk on stage — we watch all that.”
Trew splits his time between performing and judging. There are few rules. Props, talking and teams are allowed. Each two-minute scene can be subtle and seductive or blunt and jackhammer-esque. But the clothes stay on, and real orgasms are not allowed.
“We’re not trying to be sexy; we’re trying to laugh,” Trew explains. And while there are few things funnier than the faces people make upon hitting the big O, in this case at least it’s only funny when it’s fake.
He notes that women often make the mistake of performing faux strip acts, which apart from being a tired cliché also crosses the line into more serious (and often uncomfortable) sexuality. Trew and his fellow judges were put off during a recent show when an over-earnest young woman capped her peeler routine by deep-throating a cucumber.
“Which didn’t make sense,” he notes, oddly detached and analytical, “because then that means she was having sex with the cucumber.”
Women, he offers, would be smarter to act out something in the missionary position. It’s more challenging because — unlike showboating moves like, oh, let’s say the reverse cowgirl — “she’s just on her back and there’s not a lot of motion.”
So it’s like doing an armstand back double-somersault — plus with one-and-a-half twists. But on her back.