Porn Valley- Director: Wankus. Cast includes: Tyler Faith, Cytherea, Mika Tan, Lisa Sparxxx, Lexi Lamour, Rebecca Love, Brooke Hunter, Regan Anthony, Danielle Frost, Wankus, Ethan Cage, Chris Cannon, Seth Dickens, Don Hollywood, Jason Cox, Barry Scott and Richard Raymond.
"If sailor tales to sailor tunes, storm and adventure, heat and cold, if schooners, islands and maroons and buccaneers and buried gold and all the old romance, retold exactly in the ancient way, can please, as me they pleased of old, the wiser youngsters of today: So be it! and fall on!"
No one could put a spin on the Robert Louis Stevenson poem better than actor Robert Newton who played pirate Long John Silver both in a Disney version of Treasure Island and in a 1950's television series. Of course, Newton mixed a few obligatory arrrghs in with that speech for effect. So when Tyler Faith who's convinced that I look like a real life pirate, wondered if I might take a crack at doing intros for the Team Tyler, www.teamtyler.com, movie Thar She Blows, which is a celebration of cock sucking on the high seas, I'm thinking nah. Can't measure up to Newton.
But gives me a bottle of Capn' Morgan off camera and I'll be fine with the speeches, matey. So, instead, they give Capn' Wankus a masked bottle of Jim Beam on camera. And Wankus, squinty eyed and maybe, for real, plowed a few sheets to the wind for all you can gather, delivers memorable lines- some in verse- all of which would make Billy Bones mighty proud to be hearin'. Including all the arrrrghs in the right places.
This is the general substance of Thar She Blows. [The same title was used one other time in a softcore movie directed by Dave Friedman way back when.]
In a studio-based porno pirate movie that's proudly advertised as being made for under $500,000, WAY under, one can safely assume, the costuming's pretty authentic - the women all look very sexy decked out in scullery maid garb; the guys do a great job keeping in character - Plus One's hilarious, and some of the sight gags are virtually priceless. Like when Don Hollywood [his balls are described in prologue as wide as the sea] inadvertently pokes the point of his sword in a rubber dinghy.
In another instance, Seth Dickens, who's about to have his cock swallowed by Danielle Frost, utters a line that, I'll wager, you've never heard in porn before: "Drop to your knees and guzzle some salmagundi." They didn't write that kind of stuff on the MGM lots.
Then you got to laugh at it's stupidity when Hollywood tells wench Brooke Hunter to walk the plank, and Hunter looks down to see a piece of cardboard that says "plank." She reneges with attitude and Hollywood tells her to walk it anyway. Unscripted shtick like this makes Thar She Blows a very entertaining time on board and certainly worth it's weight in doubloons.
Not to mention the added attraction of Tyler Faith's, Rebecca Love's or Lisa Sparxxx's cannonballs- a few of those aimed in the right direction would knock any of Her majesty's ships out of commission.
