Thanks to a tip from www.xxxporntalk.com, Asia Carrera writes on www.asiasbulletin.com - Here comes a rant that's been 20 years in the making. But I think it needs to be said. I ran away from home because I couldn't take it anymore, the beatings, the pressure, the control, the punishments. My life wasn't my own to live! And yet I felt guilty. I was ashamed that I wasn't the daughter they wanted me to be, that I wasn't smart enough, good enough, perfect enough. I sometimes joked that karma was going to bite me in the a$$ one day and give me a daughter just like I was, and wouldn't that serve me right!
Well karma DID give me a daughter exactly like me. In every way. And she is the most amazing gift ever. And it makes me look back with sadness, that my mother took a beautiful gift like Catty (me) and just broke me with years of abuse. I wanted to be a writer - no. I wanted to be an artist, no. I wanted to be a musician, also denied. My mother's plan was that I would go to college and major in business, end of story. I got no say in my own life. I was beaten and punished if I didn't fall in line with her demands.
I had so many talents - I've sold my artwork for hundreds of dollars and created all the graphics on my site from scratch. I've performed original musical pieces in my movies and I wrote the opening/closing theme song for a radio show out of Vegas. I've written articles for regular magazines, and thousands of people every day still read my blog even though I retired over half a decade ago. Business was never my thing - I had so many artistic and creative passions, but I never got to use them the way I could have if I'd been given a chance.
I don't regret my career in porn - it afforded me many opportunities I wouldn't have had otherwise. But it's a shame that I was pushed so hard as a child that porn seemed like a better place to be. Karma has given me a daughter just like me, and far from it being a bite in the bum, it's the best gift I've ever gotten. I understand my little girl like nobody else, and it feels like I've been given a chance to see what I could have been if I'd been allowed to grow and blossom; maybe even encouraged and supported.
I remember when I was a teenager, my mother slitting her eyes at me and hissing, "You are not going to win this war!" and me breaking down in tears and crying, "But why does it have to be a war??" Why indeed? I still have no answer for that. I am grateful for the chance to relive this in a more positive way. I think maybe my mother just didn't know what to do with me because I was a clone of my father. My father is the smartest person I've ever known, but very likely Asperger's - he has never had any friends in his whole life, and spent all his time in "the batcave" with his computers. I can't say I'm a whole lot better in the social department, and my kids and I have always had our own computers - one time I said, "Catty, can you imagine sharing your computer with Devin?" and she was HORRIFIED at the thought, LOL!! My mother could not relate to me - she was annoyed that everything academic came so easily to my father and me, but she had to work very hard for it. My mother knew I was extremely bright, but after about 4th or 5th grade her only way of keeping me motivated was punishments and spankings, since she couldn't actually do the work herself (she was German; English was not her native tongue). So Catty has a distinct advantage with a mother who "gets her", and is determined to stay on top of everything academic right up until the end - I can and will do it all right alongside her.
Well thanks for listening to my rant. I actually feel a lot better now. I really needed to get that down on paper (screen) and just get it out of my system! The resentment has been building up for a while now!
