Porn Valley- It's Cinco De Mayo. And the movie being shot is Girls Sodomizing Girls 3 which Skeeter Kerkove's directing for Robert Hill Releasing.
In it two insane women are making guacamole. Anally, that is. One of them is Audrey Hollander and she's certifiable. But Saturday, Dana DeArmond, the MySpace girl,achieved something only Hollander and two other women have. Those being Kelly Wells and Bridgette Kerkove. With Nikki Nievez making a noble recent effort.
What it is, is, Skeeter's holding up a string of anal beads to the camera. Or, with the long hair, he could be an Amazon warrior raising a victor's cache of shrunken heads.
Whichever, the beads are the size of a baseball. And before the scene's over, DeArmond's going to have a couple of those up her ass. Skeeter says at least two hundred other women have tried to do the same thing only to have failed. For this is like the Excalibur of anal beads.
With his hair to his shoulders and with the blue bandana, the only thing missing on Skeeter is a carbine rifle, buckskins and a driver's license stating that his name is Cochise. Skeeter likes being called Cochise. I'm also calling him Geronimo.
DeArmond, his squaw for the day, is very pretty. In fact, when you hear she's attached to Vivid-Alt projects you'd expect some greaseball skank with sewn lips, tattoos like a sailor and more piercings than a Thanksgiving turkey. But it's not that way. DeArmond is quite glamorous. In an interview, DeArmond is explaining how her apartment when up in smoke while she attended AEE. That wasn't so glamorous.
A neighbor across the way- a hippie, according to DeArmond, was lighting candles and the apartment building caught on fire. As a result, DeArmond lost all her earthly possessions. She got wind of it when someone e-mailed her on MySpace but DeArmond elected to ride out the show in Vegas and sign autographs.
"Good thing I make a living sticking things up my ass," says DeArmond casually, indicating that she's been able to get back on her feet because of working in porn.
Skeeter's explaining how the night before he made himself some beef fajitas with a red sauce. It passed through him pretty quick and when he took a dump, he was horrified.
"I looked in the shitter, and was scared," says Skeeter. Or as they say, red shit in the morning, sailor take warning. It was the red sauce, actually.
Otto Bauer's explaining how Audrey's been tanning lately with a butt plug stuck up her ass.
"For some girls a butt plug is your best friend," states Otto. Which reminds Skeeter how Bridgette used to prance around shopping, tarted up, with a butt plug in her ass.
"We'd go to Blockbuster and she'd be wearing a butt plug up her ass!" he laughs. "We'd take a ride on a motorcycle, she'd have a butt plug up her ass."
Audrey's wiggling her ass as well.
"Are you into ass punching?" Otto asks me. He tells me it's quite the rage, the girls love it and he's the facilitator of their desires.
"I'm like Skeeter," he insists. "Skeeter is a dream weaver."
Skeeter? He's drinking a can of Steel Reserve.
"I'm drinking in honor of Nathan Threat who was in my backyard afraid of a coyote!" laughs Skeeter. Skeeter also remembers a time killing a rattlesnake in the back of his house, sticking it in the freezer and later giving it to Brandon Iron as a gift.
"No one loved Brandon that much to give him a rattlesnake," Skeeter insists. Skeeter tells Otto about some of the interviews he'll give me while under the influence.
"Why? Because I'm the village idiot."
I hear that Jim Powers is shooting some massive project for Sin City which will take place either at a carnival or a circus.
Skeeter's pretty impressed with this fact, suspecting it's going to be a huge budget which brings him to a shoot he did for Vivid called Collision Course.
"We made it for only 22 grand," recalls Skeeter. "It had Briana Banks, Tera Patrick, Vanessa Lane...it had a fistfight in the movie." Skeeter, who tracks these things, says it's among the 400 Best Selling adult DVD's of all time.
"To Vivid it was probably a throwaway shoot," muses Otto who suspects that Evan Seinfeld, deep down, is really trying to look like Skeeter. Skeeter's talking about an instance where he and Jim Powers are shooting some pick-ups of Dillan Lauen wearing sassy hooker clothing.
"These Mexicans thought we were trying to pick her up and were trying to save her." Skeeter also suspects the movie could have come in even lower if not for the fact that one "assistant" appointed by Vivid got $1,000 each day of the two-day shoot for basically doing nothing. Another guy got $700 each day.
"And all he did was upset us," says Skeeter. "I told Marci over at Vivid they had nothing to worry about, that I back my movies with my own money- being a pornographer is a hobby to me."
Danielle Derek walks in for a big titty scene which Skeeter will shoot for another movie he's working on. Otto gives her a big hug.
"She's a marvel of skin stretchery," declares Otto. Then, when Derek leaves the room, Otto moves his lips to ask, silently, "Who was that?" He didn't recognize Derek with the new hair color.
Otto tells me he's helming this new series for Ninn Worx. Basically Audrey pees in the asses of aspirants to porn stardom.
"And I'm not going to stand in the way of any girl having Audrey pee in their ass- I'm not that kind of guy."
The way Otto explains the concept, I see it as a scouting-thing. A tenderfoot becomes a second class scout. A second class scout become first class, etc.
"Hey, you can become an Eagle in one afternoon," Otto laughs. "It's a jamboree!"
Because his wife Victoria is in a later scene, Dillon Day's hanging around the set. He's telling Skeeter a story about how he passed this KFC where protesters were gathering on behalf of cruelty to chickens. So Day gets this idea. He goes in and orders a box of chicken and starts eating it in front of the protesters. One guy gets in his face about it and spits into Day's chicken box. Day takes a shot at him and the cops jump in. They told Day they saw the whole thing and thought it was pretty funny until Day hit the guy in the head with a box of chicken.
Skeeter remembers the first time meeting Day- it was on the set of Michael Raven's Underworld. Skeeter was hired to be a biker in a scene.
Audrey is modeling the outfit she'll be wearing for the scene. It involves a variation on pantyhouse. She thinks it's sexy.
"Otto doesn't like pantyhose on me," she adds. But Skeeter offers unbridled enthusiasm and support on the subject of pantyhose. DeArmond's got a black leather skirt on that barely covers her ass.
"That's a real, glamorous, gorgeous, over-the-top lady!" Skeeter enthuses. He asks DeArmond how her MySpace page is doing.
"I'm probably the only pornographer who doesn't have a MySpace page," Skeeter thinks.
"Glamour rules!" Skeeter then tells DeArmond. Skeeter's grateful that Otto and Audrey made the introduction, else he wouldn't have known about DeArmond.
Skeeter then takes a swig of Steel Reserve and allows a sobering thought to set into the conversation.
"Bridgette and I would still be together if we never got into porn," he reflects. "We had a conversation the other day- that was Bridgette telling me this.
"But we wouldn't be this rich!" he roars.
Skeeter ticks off the seven automobiles the Kerkoves bought during their porn run together including four Jaguars and two separate households.
"The waste of money," he ponders. "But I wouldn't have done it if I got a second chance, though." Skeeter goes on to describe how Steel Reserve intensifies his emotions.
Richard Montfort is handing stills. Skeeter now refers to him as Richard Des Montfort and tells DeArmond how they met the first time.
"It was on the chopsticks set- we shot it at Tina Cherry's house. God, it was cold in there. We had goosebumps." Skeeter also rememebers giving Bridgette an enema in the shower and peeing on her.
"It went on for 5 1/2 hours- I was on my second Viagra. Finally Mike Kovacs yelled, no more, stop. We're doing triple anals, everything. I didn't want to stop."
The scene at hand's about to begin. Hollander and DeArmond are ass-to-ass, warming up one another's sphincters with reach arounds. DeArmond is putting a fist up her own ass. And this is a warmup, mind you. Hollander's slipping a condom over the fat part of a baseball bat.
"I tell Otto there's not enough fisting in baseball," she explains.
"I don't want anyone getting pregnant," Skeeter reminds her. Hollander mentions a conversation she had with a gay guy relative to fisting. Pointing to a spot on her forearm, Hollander was told once you get it past there, the ass sucks up the rest.
"My ass does my talking for me," Audrey states.
DeArmond is lecturing about dick cheese being nature's lubricant.
"And I've probably eaten my own shit a couple of times," she adds. For her part, Audrey thinks a scene she's done with Sandra Romain is probably one of her best.
"Neither one of us would cowtow to the other," winces Hollander thinking about it.
"She did some crazy stuff to me, too," DeArmond adds.
"I think she genuinely has some hate in her heart," Audrey says of Romain. Audrey brings up the scene she did with James Deen for the Penthouse shoot I covered recently.
"For a guy that little [I don't think she's talking about his dick] I was impressed with the effort he put in," she says. "He really tossed me around." Audrey's also giving an account about the first time she met Mr. Pete.
"It was on a Jonny Darko shoot," she recollects. "Anal Trainer. Mr. Pete walks up to me and says, 'oh my God, you're so hot. Can I cum in your mouth?' Hollander figured, okay, why not.
"Nice to see you, too," she laughs, thinking about the episode.
Otto takes a whack at Audrey's ass with the baseball bat. Okay, it's plastic, though Skeeter says it's the same bat which went up Bridgette's ass when someone tried to convince her her butt was ruined for life by doing it.
Skeeter tells Otto that Otto needs to hook up with Joey Silvera. Next to Jim Powers, Skeeter thinks Silvera is the best pornographer out there.
Skeeter then brings out the anal beads explaining their rather colorful history while glorifying the women whose asses consumed them.
"You girls are going to abuse each other and feed off each other," Skeeter explains, noting that whatever, it's still pretty easy money.
"I'm not here for the money, I'm here for the girl," declares DeArmond.
"I'm dedicating this scene to Tricia Devereaux," Skeeter tells the camera. "He also offers a salute to Cinco De Mayo which reminds Audrey of the time Bridgette hired her to play a Mexican.
"This is my first day as a Mexican," DeArmond says to the camera. "I'm really excited."
"Nothing's original in this movie," Skeeter continues. "All porn is created by Jules Jordan- ask Roger T. Pipe."
Over the next 40 minutes and more, Hollander and DeArmond slap, spit, ram and cram a catalogue of toys into one another. The exchange can only be described as rough trade. And there's no four-finger rule when it comes to clenched fists.
"Your ass is so wet, it's dripping everywhere!" yells out Hollander. DeArmond puts the fat part of the baseball bat in Audrey's home plate, removes it then sucks on Audrey's ass juices. This is when Audrey inserts the anal beads, while DeArmond has the bat clenched in her mouth.
Skeeter calls a time out to lend significance to the moment.
"I'm really scared what's going to happen when I pull them out," says DeArmond.
"When you pull out, keep your ass tight," Audrey advises her. "There are girls who are jealous that you did this."
"A lot of girls have tried. A lot," Skeeter tells DeArmond.
Audrey's giving DeArmond after-the-fact advice about how to treat a swollen anus, applying certain balms and making makeshift diapers.
"She's an inspiration to us all!" Hollander declares.
"Audrey, I love you," murmurs DeArmond. "I really do."
They kiss.
But as one AVN writer will tell you, this is just your average anal fare.
