Porn Valley- The last time Steven St. Croix was behind a KSEX mike was for a stint in a Team Tyler Production, Unfaithful Secrets. But Friday night it was for real as St. Croix, assuming a deep, put-on FM voice, took over for Wankus who was out of town in Miami. And it was Katie Morgan who was St. Croix's co-host, not Michelle Lay whose face took a bucket of St. Croix's manhood during the Unfaithful Secrets scene. Othwerwise for the totally unwary, St. Croix announced himself as Blake Figueroa.
"We're going to bring you down into our little cave of love," St. Croix announced, noting that Wankus was back east doing a DNA test to see if the child was his.
"And I've been entrusted to drive this school bus of special children and listeners into the swamps of hell." During the first half hour of the program, St.Croix and Morgan addressed a variety of unessential factoids related to aerodynamics, sports and the Winter Olympics. St. Croix noted that the night before he had several shots of Patron bolstered with Brazilian beer.
"I got kind of satanic about one on the morning, sacrificing pigeons," he said. "They were dead any way." Morgan said he wasn't making any sense and St. Croix said he would continue that way until someone pulled him out of the room. St. Croix then offered a meditation about Sarah Jessica Parker's mole and when she was going to have it removed.
"That mole scares me- I swear to God. She is one year away from playing the wicked witch of the East in a Wizard of Oz presentation." While Morgan was of the opinion a box cutter and some bravado would take care of it, St. Croix continued to rag on the mole.
"It bothers me and I don't think she's attractive one bit." Morgan was arguing that Parker was cute, but St. Croix was of the opinion that it was saying something akin to Ron Jeremy being attractive.
"She should be taken off the air and fined by the FCC," St. Croix thought then got on Geraldo's case saying he's become a smarmy porn producer.
"He always was but now has taken it to the next level- he should be running one of these companies in Northridge."
St. Croix suggested that Geraldo be fined by the FCC as well. Morgan wondered if Rivera aksi had a mole.
Morgan and St. Croix then talked a little about the AEE show and Morgan thought it wasn't well managed in the way the crowds were handled.
"There's so many people it's not safe any more," said Morgan. St. Croix likened the whole crowd experience to the running of the bulls and said he saw Morgan maybe one hour the entire time of the show.
Also doing the course of a another ritualistic exchange about nothing, St. Croix mentioned that he could get Speed Stick for 99 cents at the store of that name whereas at Rite Aid it's far much more.
"How do they do that? Somebody tell me."
Morgan also observed that you can buy eggs at the 99 cent Store.
"Because they're cheap chickens," St. Croix ventured to say. Toying with the idea of doing something with the Blake Figueroa alter ego, St. Croix said he wanted to bring the mustache back into porn. Morgan didn't sound too enthusiastic about the idea.
"I feel I've paid my dues in this business," St. Croix continued. "I've been around long enough. I believe the mustache should be revived back into porn. And I think the women should grow their pubic hair back - most of it. But I don't want it coming out of the sides like nacho cheese like you get at the Baja Cantina where you see the cheese where the chips are falling out of the thing. Not like that, but a nice, trim Penthouse kind of bush where you can see the lips.
"But I'm going to put the must back into the mustache," he threatened. "You're going to see Steven St. Croix in the twilight of his career wearing a mustache. Any facial hair on this face is an improvement." St. Croix said he's the only actor in the business who looks like a gorilla and still works to this day in all the top end porn.
"Stay classy Northridge," St. Croix kept advising during the course of the show.
St. Croix said that Tony Tedeschi has attempted mustache inroads but because Tedeschi is white as white can be, he looks a little greasy in St. Croix's opinion.
"He looks like he should be on that HBO special Deadwood," St. Croix thought. "You put a hat on him, a dirty flannel shirt and some chew. He can be a background guy."
St. Croix then dwelled on the subject of The Grammys and noted that that U2- his favorite band- won five awards.
"They are definitely out grossing The Rolling Stones on their tour by almost double," said St. Croix. "Bono is the epitome of what a rock star should be- short, Irish, drunk and running around with prime ministers and presidents trying to relieve African debt or something like that." After a brief bout of unapologetic Bobby Slayton name-dropping, St. Croix asked Morgan what kind of music she was into. Morgan said she was pretty much of a radio girl and never bought CD's or tapes.
On the subject of a potential guest with no one as yet appearing in the doorway, St. Croix said he was sworn to secrecy and had to sign a release not to mention who was going to be on the show. As it was, St. Croix noted the first guest had flaked and mentioned that a couple of weeks ago he wrapped up a big PT project for Vivid.
"I shot some stuff for Wicked in the last week and I'm getting ready to do a big Cash Markman feature." St. Croix noted he and Morgan would be working together on that project and would be having sex for the first time in seven months.
"The last time was downtown at The Entertainium."
Morgan said she did not like the place.
"It's alright but it creeps me out- it's just so big and dark and scary." Morgan said what was scary about it is the germ angle.
"Outside it's scary for little girls- I wouldn't walk around down there."
"You think the germs are going to kill you or the cancer?" St. Croix asked Morgan, bringing up her two pack a day habit. "I think the cancer's got the lead."
St. Croix then mentioned the fact that he took a 4 hour power bike ride at the marina the other day.
"I don't say that to impress you. I say that to impress upon you the fact that if you work hard and save your money you too can live by the beach."
Morgan said she used to live by the beach but couldn't handle the traffic. "I moved back to the Valley." Grousing about the traffic as well, St. Croix said he's toying with the idea of buying a helicopter and extended the idea of doing a helicopter co-op with Morgan.
