Porn Valley- Audrey Hollander’s decked out in a silver bikini and looking pretty damn good. So I ask Otto Bauer, her husband, if Audrey’s gained a couple of pounds since the last time I saw her. Otto says yeah and agrees that Audrey’s acquired some womanly curves and likes what it’s accomplished with her frame.

Although she will never have a tan in her lifetime, Audrey Hollander under normal sets of circumstances is completely nuts. But in a good way. And she puts that nuttiness all out there in front of the camera.

Then when Audrey pairs up with Otto, they’re either destroying the world, conquering it, ruling it, annihilating it or whatever the title of their porn series was. Saturday afternoon Otto and Audrey are doing the thing they do, this time for Defiance and Skeeter Kerkove. Worlds are conquered. Chains of love are unleashed. Otto and Audrey are pronounced completely psycho.

Last year Audrey played another world conqueror of sorts for Michael Ninn when she put on a 50-pound dress and became Catherine the Great. I ask Audrey if she had to fuck any horses to get in step for the part. Noting that it was a very cool experience, Audrey laughs and says few people could get near this horse and he must have smelled sex on her because he acted like the d.p. anchor man in a Skeeter movie. However, Audrey says Otto was able to mount him because he used to ride in rodeos. Fuckin’ Otto, man. He can quote Pliny the Elder and Tacitus; teach school, ride bucking broncos and tame Audrey Hollander.

Earlier in the day, Skeeter’s making similar comments, telling Tyla Wynn, who grew up in Valencia, how marvelously she’s filled out with her thicker thighs and wide hips.

“You look so much better,” he tells her, grabbing a tit. Skeeter thinks Wynn’s tits are so big now it’s creepy. Skeeter, whose theories about anal rival Einstein’s regarding the universe, loves Tyla Wynn’s ass; but Wynn laughs about how she won’t let her boyfriend fuck her there even though she’s doing it for a living.

“I like it better in the ass,” Wynn admits.

Wynn, who won an award for threeways, works later with Ben English and Haley Paige. This one could be a nominee for a repeat, it’s that good. According to Skeeter, the scene he shot later in the day Friday with Nikki Nievez and her boyfriend Jenner was no slouch in the gee whiz dept., either.

Skeeter’s sole purpose in doing this particular movie for Defiance is to totally overwhelm the viewer, he says. Such as the fact that, even though he’s diametrically opposed to the idea of “gushing,” Skeeter allowed Nievez to load up and fire away. By Skeeter’s tally, 48 bottles of water were used up Friday, though not to say all went down Nievez’s throat to accomplish this miracle of orgasm.

“There’s never been a Defiance movie with the atrocities that we did as the team of love,” Skeeter’s saying, lighting up a cigarette.

Fuckin’ Skeeter, man. Otto pops a Guinness and hands one to him. Skeeter’s telling Otto how hot it was the day before. Otto says you don’t know hot until you get off a plane in Houston. The way Skeeter tells it, you don’t know predictions until Skeeter makes ’em, reminding Otto how he called it for Audrey Hollander winning Performer of the Year. The same thing for Ashley Blue, he remembers. Skeeter called that shot. Remembers Blue taking a fist up her ass, the first try. Remembers how Ashley Blue first met Trent Tesoro in a gay bar in West Hollywood.

“The fact that the fist went in was a love story,” says Skeeter. “Mike McCormick [Quasarman] was mortified but he understood.”

Skeeter, as you might gather, gets very philosophical when the beer bottles open. He talks about the time he shot five double anal scenes in one day, four positions each and that Ashley Blue’s was the most incredible one of that day. Skeeter’s also talking about the time Missy Monroe did a BTS interview in Sinsational Teens and how she was promised Best New Starlet if she did Tim Connelly in the ass. Skeeter’s saying, yeah, there were a couple of people in the room who were witnesses to that besides himself. In similar fashion, Bridgette Kerkove had been promised the XRCO best New Starlet award except it went to someone else who was more adept at playing ball. Now when the moon is blue and the lawyers are asleep, Skeeter and Bridgette might talk.

“But she just got mean and nasty and lost her mind,” Skeeter says. “Now she calls me Satan. I’m so not Satan. I’m just a bundle of love.”

Skeeter, who should be teaching relationship seminars by now, is telling Audrey how he ran into Bridgette Kerkove at a Chevron gas station in Santa Clarita just the week before.

“We were touching, kissing and sharing tears,” Skeeter’s saying. “It was so sad, but within five hours it was bad- she called me accusing me of sleeping with this woman and that woman.”

“I feel bad for the stuff you had to go through,” Hollander replies. “Bridgette didn’t like the fact that I love my husband.”

Skeeter remembers another time trying to shoot a scene at Otto’s new house and how a peacock flew on his shoulder, freaking him out.

“He must have heard that Audrey was laying golden eggs,” Skeeter says, amused by his own sense of telling a story.

Otto and Audrey are living where Jill Kelly used to live; and Kelly was living at Clark Gable’s old hunting lodge. Which, by logical inference, means Otto’s living at Gable’s old estate. I wondered why Otto moved from his digs in Woodland Hills which was a nice place. He says it was tough to shoot porn there but now he’s got enough space to run around naked.

For the pretty girls, Hollander’s posing in her bikini for Sir Richard Montfort.

“Look at your woman,” Skeeter tells Otto. “Who in their right mind would not love Audrey Hollander?” The thing that Skeeter likes the most about Audrey Hollander, however, is the fact that she’s quite self-effacing.

“I mean her and Otto have all these fuckin’ awards and she stays humble,” says Skeeter who begins crooning some obscure Merle Haggard tune. Which gets Hollander’s talking about this song, Fuck You, We’re from Texas which is where Otto hails from.

Otto’s popping another Guinness, silently eyeing this mutant red butt plug, doing some NASA calculations as to where in Hollander’s ass it’s going to land.

“The more I drink, the looser she [Hollander] gets,” Otto laughs.

Meanwhile, Hollander’s washing the butt plug which is approximately the size of a church steeple in Moscow. Otto’s also getting a big kick observing Wynn and Haley Paige maneuvering themselves under an umbrella in Skeeter’s patio, attempting to find the shady side of it. They move their chairs three times. Otto’s roaring. He also recalls the time Audrey lost her wedding ring in Wynn’s ass and how they had to fish it out.

I don’t think I got his name, but Skeeter’s welcoming a guy who won an Internet contest and got a chance to be on the set. Which is to say that some porn contests are quite legit. In his case, the guy says Defiance flew him down from Seattle, put him up in a nice hotel and chauffeured him out to the set. He’s a very polite gentleman, and Skeeter greets him warmly telling him to make himself at home. The visitor’s taking precautionary pains to remain invisible; but when Otto, employing a Junkyard Dog wrestling tactic, wraps a chain around Hollander’s neck and begins choking her, his stare defines trauma.

“Unbelievable,” mutters Skeeter as the scene blasts off into outer space.

“Open your ass before I fuck it,” Otto barks, grabbing an indelicate hold of Audrey’s red hair. “Eat your dirty spit off the floor, whore, and look at me when you suck my cock!”

Hollander plants her ass on the butt plug like a chicken, or in this case, a peacock laying eggs. She tells Otto to smack her ass, that for some reason it enables the butt plug to push in further.

“Fall in love, Audrey,” Skeeter urges her. “Princess, put your four fingers in your ass all the way to the knuckles.” Hollander’s toes are clenching and Skeeter wants the dog chain she’s got around her neck going up her ass.

“Metal in your ass, Audrey,” he’s encouraging her. “Chains of love- that’s right. We’re family from the mountains of hell. This is what you got to do to be Number One. We love you, Audrey. Stay strong- 13 more minutes, honey.

“Proof of double-sodomy with chains!” Skeeter continues. Hollander yells back that Otto’s wrecking her ass and she’s loving every minute of it.

“Doctor’s orders,” Skeeter answers back. “Everybody falls in love in this town. Oh my God this is unbelievable.”

If he hadn’t already been convinced that Otto and Audrey were the ultimate wacko ward cases, Skeeter now has evidence in his camera. Convinced that this is their best effort together to date, Skeeter compares it to the heydays of Bad Ass Pictures.

“You have orthodox Jews and unorthodox directors, but it all winds up the same,” Skeeter’s saying. Whatever the fuck he means by that.

Dressed for her threeway, Tyla Wynn’s camel toe is bulging through her tiny gray shorts. Skeeter loves it but also wants Haley Paige to haul it in and stay focused. Paige says that’s like squeezing an elephant in some physically improbable circumstance, but you can’t hear the rest of her comment.

But the psychosexual overtones of this scene are pretty obvious once Paige hones in and calls Ben English daddy. Like a power mower with a cock, English doesn’t let up on the lawn for an instant. He puts Paige on all fours and goes deep in her.

“Oh daddy, oh God day, fuck my pussy!” Haley screams out. “I’m your little girl. Give it to me! Please daddy, love me! I want to do it for you. Oh my God, this is heaven!”

It’s fair to say that English, with his stiff upper lip manner, is humping Paige senseless. While Haley’s occupying her ass with a dildo, Wynn’s now taking it in her own butt in a reverse cowgirl.

“Fuck my daddy’s cock,” Paige tells Wynn.

Paige who’s already made enough noise to raise dead daddies, is working on some conditions beyond the grave.

“Take that UK cock,” Skeeter’s telling the women.

After it’s over, Skeeter asks me what I think of the scene.

“Palpitating,” I tell him.

Ben English actually cracks a smile.